fic: Pick Up Line
Feb. 9th, 2023 01:38 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bonnefoisTitle: Pick Up Line
Series: TF2 AU
Character/Pairing: Scoutpauling,
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Scout's master at bad attempts at flirting, but Miss Pauling manages to be worse.
Or: the one where Miss Pauling's attempts at flirting makes her sound like (even more of) a serial killer
Word count: 1854
Author's note: for Sarah.
If he and Pauling met in a bar, this was the point where he'd get the stunner. A perfect line to make her laugh. Scout had them perfected, and the ladies loved them. Loved them so much they often shared their drinks with him, by throwing them in his face. Then they'd be so impressed they would storm away.
Which was kinda kinky, though a waste of good drink. But it was obviously just a trait of the lovely ladies and showed how much they loved them.
And he saved the best for Miss Pauling. He sidled up to their booth and gave her a wink. Even though they were on a date date, he had to give her the goods, and all the charm he could.
"Hey, did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" Scout said.
"I didn't fall from heaven, but my mother did. Long story."
"Huh?"
"Oh, just old family business," Miss Pauling said.
He didn't quite get it, but that didn't stop him from giving her another stunner.
"Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only Ten I see," Scout said.
"I'm from down further south than that," Miss Pauling said.
"Like, Georgia?"
"Think hotter."
"...Florida?"
"You know, where I'm from has a lot in common with Florida. Visiting there felt almost...nostalgic. The chaos. The heat. The feral alligators, and dull-eyed people in eternal torment. Feels like home."
Scout didn't even know what to say to that one. What was further south than Florida. Texas? Miss Pauling was kind of small to be from Texas. Wasn't everything bigger there?
"Anyways, I got some food."
Bar food was great. Super nostalgic. He'd spent plenty of his time here while he worked at Teufort. He managed to slip out, take the run to town and get a good work out on his way to see the lovely ladies.
Or he used to, anyways. Nowadays, Miss Pauling was the only lovely lady he was seeing, and he was damn fine with that.
Scout slipped into the booth across from her.
He leaned back as she started in on her fried chicken.
For once, Scout was kinda at a loss for words. Miss Pauling was all work. What could he open the conversation with? Any good murders lately?
"Thanks for making time. I know you're real busy. I've been lookin' forward to spendin' time with you since we almost got eaten by that bread monster."
"I'm glad to be out with you, too. Thanks to your help, I've managed to improve my efficiency and time management by thirty percent."
Usually nerd crap like that would piss off Scout, and make him want to efficient their head with a book. But on Miss Pauling, the nerd crap was kind of cute.
"So, about this date--"
"What? I just ate," Miss Pauling said.
She cupped her hand. Right, the bar had just gotten super loud.
"This place is real loud," Scout said.
Usually, a noisy crowd didn't bother him. He 'had some lungs on him' as his ma would've put it. He could yell above it. Besides, it wasn't like taking someone back to the base would be quieter. Also, he would get in trouble. Like, mega trouble.
But, this was Miss Pauling. Who he actually could take back to the base without some kind of alarm going down. Unless Spy installed that Scout actually managed to bring a girl home.
"Do you want to go somewhere quiet?" Scout said, above the crowd.
"Oh, good idea! My basement is soundproofed. No matter how hard you scream, no one will hear it."
She smiled so sweetly. Like she hadn't just sounded like the villain in a Bond movie.
On one hand, hot. He had to dig a girl who knew about basements. It meant she was competent and crap.
On the other hand, would he even survive tonight?
"Riiight, babe. I didn't know you were a screamer."
"Oh, no. The people I work with usually are, though."
Did she mean he was a loudmouth? Or the bodies?
It was Miss Pauling. Of course she meant the bodies. He slid his arm from across the table, and wondered if holding her hand might get him accessory to murder one day.
It'd be worth it, though. As long as he wasn't the one in the body bag.
"I'm going to get one last drink to go. And I'll make it water. Because water is hydrating and crap, yeah?"
It also was because he wanted to be real fucking sober when he went home with Miss Pauling.
Because he wanted to remember, yeah. Not because he was afraid if he was any drunk, he'd be the one in the body bag next.
Right.
*
Scout looked around the basement as Miss Pauling led him down. It didn't really look too much different from most basements he'd seen. Plenty of grey, with rust marks on the walls. Kinda musty smelling, with a rusty after scent. Basement-y sort of place. He almost expected a foozeball table somewhere, except instead there were a bunch of power tools.
"These are my saws!" Miss Pauling said. She gestured to them, and she looked so earnest.
Well, maybe she had a woodworking hobby too. That would be pretty neat. The thought of Miss Pauling with wood in her graceful hands was pretty hot.
"For lumber, right?"
She just looked at him.
"For lumber, right..."
"I guess I could use them for cutting up planks, if I wanted. But usually if I need something built, I just ask Engie. He's great about that."
"Oh, right," Scout said.
And Miss Pauling looked...kinda sad. Kick him in the nuts and call him Charlie, that was not the way he wanted tonight to end up. He'd rather be the one on this table, cut up alive than ever see Miss Pauling cry.
"I kind of felt like we were off key here. Did I come off too strong asking you to come back to my soundproofed basement on the first date?"
She looked so sad in that moment. Honestly, he would've done anything for her. Even murder. Especially murder.
"Nah, of course not, babe. I think it's cool that you have a murderbasement, really."
"Oh, good! Because I have a murdercloset and a murdershed and a murdertruck, too."
"That sure is a lot of murder," Scout said.
"I won't let anyone outdo me on my job," Miss Pauling said proudly.
Scout laughed nervously. "Just as long as I'm not next on your list."
Miss Pauling did a double take.
"Wait--You thought I'd murder you? That I'd waste my rare time off to cut up your body and put it in the desert?"
"I mean, I'm just saying if we ever get serious and break up, they won't find my body. That's for sure."
She smiled.
"Aww, I'm glad you realize that if you break my heart, I'll leave what's left of your bones for the vultures," Miss Pauling said sweetly.
"Heheheh....yeah...." Scout said. He gave her a nervous side glance.
"Just kidding," she said.
She laughed. "All right, toning the inner serial killer down. It is my rare time off so we are packing up the murder and putting it in the closet."
She smiled.
"I guess I'm rusty. I haven't had a date in a really long time. I was trying to flirt back, and be really witty and I don't think it worked. Plus, the last time I went on a date, I maybesortof had to kill them. Long story."
Scout looked more than a little concerned at that.
She waved it away. "Oh, don't worry about it. It was a honeypot mission anyways. We work together, so you'll probably survive. You'd definitely never do anything like tell company secrets to impress girls or steal a briefcase right?"
"Y-Yeah, definitely not," Scout said.
"Let's go back upstairs...unless you want to do something which requires a soundproof basement to cover up..."
"You're talking about sexy stuff, right?" Scout said worriedly.
"Scout, I'm not going to kill you. Promise. If I wanted to kill you, I would've skipped the date and just driven you out into the desert. Much easier to bury you, and also you would've come running immediately, because your feelings for me make you easy prey."
"Easy prey?"
"I think it's cute, actually. You're the easiest prey I've ever met. You're like--the Dodo. I could just come and bash you in the head, and you'd probably thank me for it. It's really sweet how trusting and often kind you are. You're surrounded by murderers and hired killers and you still find the good in them. I mean, you know what I do for a living and you still like me, so..."
She smiled sweetly.
"Besides, even if I did kill you, which I wouldn't because it would make more work for me, you would just pop out in Respawn good as new," Miss Pauling said.
"Oh, riight! I've been a real jackass, haven't I?"
"To other people? Sometimes. To me? Honestly, you usually are your best self around me. You kind of used to be awful with other women, like legendarily awful. There's a Manniss World Records with your name on it. But somewhere along the line, you fell for me and actually cleaned up nicely."
She smiled, and for not the first time, Scout thought how much he appreciated spending time with her. Even if she kinda just insulted him. He probably deserved it. Miss Pauling could call him an asshole and he would thank her, honestly.
"I probably just came on too strong with the flirting. And taking you down to the murderbasement on the first date. But, I wanted to show you something."
And it wasn't, to his surprise, an art installation featuring the human skulls of her enemies. It was pretty...normal, actually.
There was actually a pretty nice place down here. A purple love seat, a television. Some shag rug (which would be worth the rug burn if they ever did anything sexy on) and even a mini-fridge.
"This is so great! I didn't know you even had time for this stuff."
"Oh, I don't," she said. "But I had it installed anyways, because hope strings eternal. Even if I get time off, I'll probably just pass out and catch up on sleep like last time."
She gave him a conspiratorial look.
"How about I just be blunt instead of trying--and failing--to flirt back," Miss Pauling said.
"You. Me. Soundproofed basement, couch and whatever happens next. I don't have a lot of time, but I'll gladly spend it with you."
"Babe, I'd do it even if you planned to murder me in the end like a black widow," Scout said.
"You know, it's things like that which make me like you," she said.
Series: TF2 AU
Character/Pairing: Scoutpauling,
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Scout's master at bad attempts at flirting, but Miss Pauling manages to be worse.
Or: the one where Miss Pauling's attempts at flirting makes her sound like (even more of) a serial killer
Word count: 1854
Author's note: for Sarah.
If he and Pauling met in a bar, this was the point where he'd get the stunner. A perfect line to make her laugh. Scout had them perfected, and the ladies loved them. Loved them so much they often shared their drinks with him, by throwing them in his face. Then they'd be so impressed they would storm away.
Which was kinda kinky, though a waste of good drink. But it was obviously just a trait of the lovely ladies and showed how much they loved them.
And he saved the best for Miss Pauling. He sidled up to their booth and gave her a wink. Even though they were on a date date, he had to give her the goods, and all the charm he could.
"Hey, did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" Scout said.
"I didn't fall from heaven, but my mother did. Long story."
"Huh?"
"Oh, just old family business," Miss Pauling said.
He didn't quite get it, but that didn't stop him from giving her another stunner.
"Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only Ten I see," Scout said.
"I'm from down further south than that," Miss Pauling said.
"Like, Georgia?"
"Think hotter."
"...Florida?"
"You know, where I'm from has a lot in common with Florida. Visiting there felt almost...nostalgic. The chaos. The heat. The feral alligators, and dull-eyed people in eternal torment. Feels like home."
Scout didn't even know what to say to that one. What was further south than Florida. Texas? Miss Pauling was kind of small to be from Texas. Wasn't everything bigger there?
"Anyways, I got some food."
Bar food was great. Super nostalgic. He'd spent plenty of his time here while he worked at Teufort. He managed to slip out, take the run to town and get a good work out on his way to see the lovely ladies.
Or he used to, anyways. Nowadays, Miss Pauling was the only lovely lady he was seeing, and he was damn fine with that.
Scout slipped into the booth across from her.
He leaned back as she started in on her fried chicken.
For once, Scout was kinda at a loss for words. Miss Pauling was all work. What could he open the conversation with? Any good murders lately?
"Thanks for making time. I know you're real busy. I've been lookin' forward to spendin' time with you since we almost got eaten by that bread monster."
"I'm glad to be out with you, too. Thanks to your help, I've managed to improve my efficiency and time management by thirty percent."
Usually nerd crap like that would piss off Scout, and make him want to efficient their head with a book. But on Miss Pauling, the nerd crap was kind of cute.
"So, about this date--"
"What? I just ate," Miss Pauling said.
She cupped her hand. Right, the bar had just gotten super loud.
"This place is real loud," Scout said.
Usually, a noisy crowd didn't bother him. He 'had some lungs on him' as his ma would've put it. He could yell above it. Besides, it wasn't like taking someone back to the base would be quieter. Also, he would get in trouble. Like, mega trouble.
But, this was Miss Pauling. Who he actually could take back to the base without some kind of alarm going down. Unless Spy installed that Scout actually managed to bring a girl home.
"Do you want to go somewhere quiet?" Scout said, above the crowd.
"Oh, good idea! My basement is soundproofed. No matter how hard you scream, no one will hear it."
She smiled so sweetly. Like she hadn't just sounded like the villain in a Bond movie.
On one hand, hot. He had to dig a girl who knew about basements. It meant she was competent and crap.
On the other hand, would he even survive tonight?
"Riiight, babe. I didn't know you were a screamer."
"Oh, no. The people I work with usually are, though."
Did she mean he was a loudmouth? Or the bodies?
It was Miss Pauling. Of course she meant the bodies. He slid his arm from across the table, and wondered if holding her hand might get him accessory to murder one day.
It'd be worth it, though. As long as he wasn't the one in the body bag.
"I'm going to get one last drink to go. And I'll make it water. Because water is hydrating and crap, yeah?"
It also was because he wanted to be real fucking sober when he went home with Miss Pauling.
Because he wanted to remember, yeah. Not because he was afraid if he was any drunk, he'd be the one in the body bag next.
Right.
*
Scout looked around the basement as Miss Pauling led him down. It didn't really look too much different from most basements he'd seen. Plenty of grey, with rust marks on the walls. Kinda musty smelling, with a rusty after scent. Basement-y sort of place. He almost expected a foozeball table somewhere, except instead there were a bunch of power tools.
"These are my saws!" Miss Pauling said. She gestured to them, and she looked so earnest.
Well, maybe she had a woodworking hobby too. That would be pretty neat. The thought of Miss Pauling with wood in her graceful hands was pretty hot.
"For lumber, right?"
She just looked at him.
"For lumber, right..."
"I guess I could use them for cutting up planks, if I wanted. But usually if I need something built, I just ask Engie. He's great about that."
"Oh, right," Scout said.
And Miss Pauling looked...kinda sad. Kick him in the nuts and call him Charlie, that was not the way he wanted tonight to end up. He'd rather be the one on this table, cut up alive than ever see Miss Pauling cry.
"I kind of felt like we were off key here. Did I come off too strong asking you to come back to my soundproofed basement on the first date?"
She looked so sad in that moment. Honestly, he would've done anything for her. Even murder. Especially murder.
"Nah, of course not, babe. I think it's cool that you have a murderbasement, really."
"Oh, good! Because I have a murdercloset and a murdershed and a murdertruck, too."
"That sure is a lot of murder," Scout said.
"I won't let anyone outdo me on my job," Miss Pauling said proudly.
Scout laughed nervously. "Just as long as I'm not next on your list."
Miss Pauling did a double take.
"Wait--You thought I'd murder you? That I'd waste my rare time off to cut up your body and put it in the desert?"
"I mean, I'm just saying if we ever get serious and break up, they won't find my body. That's for sure."
She smiled.
"Aww, I'm glad you realize that if you break my heart, I'll leave what's left of your bones for the vultures," Miss Pauling said sweetly.
"Heheheh....yeah...." Scout said. He gave her a nervous side glance.
"Just kidding," she said.
She laughed. "All right, toning the inner serial killer down. It is my rare time off so we are packing up the murder and putting it in the closet."
She smiled.
"I guess I'm rusty. I haven't had a date in a really long time. I was trying to flirt back, and be really witty and I don't think it worked. Plus, the last time I went on a date, I maybesortof had to kill them. Long story."
Scout looked more than a little concerned at that.
She waved it away. "Oh, don't worry about it. It was a honeypot mission anyways. We work together, so you'll probably survive. You'd definitely never do anything like tell company secrets to impress girls or steal a briefcase right?"
"Y-Yeah, definitely not," Scout said.
"Let's go back upstairs...unless you want to do something which requires a soundproof basement to cover up..."
"You're talking about sexy stuff, right?" Scout said worriedly.
"Scout, I'm not going to kill you. Promise. If I wanted to kill you, I would've skipped the date and just driven you out into the desert. Much easier to bury you, and also you would've come running immediately, because your feelings for me make you easy prey."
"Easy prey?"
"I think it's cute, actually. You're the easiest prey I've ever met. You're like--the Dodo. I could just come and bash you in the head, and you'd probably thank me for it. It's really sweet how trusting and often kind you are. You're surrounded by murderers and hired killers and you still find the good in them. I mean, you know what I do for a living and you still like me, so..."
She smiled sweetly.
"Besides, even if I did kill you, which I wouldn't because it would make more work for me, you would just pop out in Respawn good as new," Miss Pauling said.
"Oh, riight! I've been a real jackass, haven't I?"
"To other people? Sometimes. To me? Honestly, you usually are your best self around me. You kind of used to be awful with other women, like legendarily awful. There's a Manniss World Records with your name on it. But somewhere along the line, you fell for me and actually cleaned up nicely."
She smiled, and for not the first time, Scout thought how much he appreciated spending time with her. Even if she kinda just insulted him. He probably deserved it. Miss Pauling could call him an asshole and he would thank her, honestly.
"I probably just came on too strong with the flirting. And taking you down to the murderbasement on the first date. But, I wanted to show you something."
And it wasn't, to his surprise, an art installation featuring the human skulls of her enemies. It was pretty...normal, actually.
There was actually a pretty nice place down here. A purple love seat, a television. Some shag rug (which would be worth the rug burn if they ever did anything sexy on) and even a mini-fridge.
"This is so great! I didn't know you even had time for this stuff."
"Oh, I don't," she said. "But I had it installed anyways, because hope strings eternal. Even if I get time off, I'll probably just pass out and catch up on sleep like last time."
She gave him a conspiratorial look.
"How about I just be blunt instead of trying--and failing--to flirt back," Miss Pauling said.
"You. Me. Soundproofed basement, couch and whatever happens next. I don't have a lot of time, but I'll gladly spend it with you."
"Babe, I'd do it even if you planned to murder me in the end like a black widow," Scout said.
"You know, it's things like that which make me like you," she said.
