fic: Realization
Aug. 25th, 2022 11:55 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bonnefoisTitle: Realization
Fandom: FE4/5 / Fire Emblem Heroes,
Character/Pairing: Reinhardt/Ishtar
Rating: PG-13
Summary: When recounting the backgrounds of some heroes, Ishtar overhears that Reinhardt was in love. This revelation troubles her deeply, in ways she cannot explain to herself.
Word count: 4,676
Author's note:
The Julius here is completely fallen and taken over by Lotopus.
The Ishtar here is A!Ishtar, thus the timeline about how Reinhardt was here before her.
In the French translation, Reinhardt is referred to as "Ishtar's sword" and "Ishtar's Right hand man." (And his dancing alt is called "Hymn of Ishtar" for the record.)
After a long day of fighting off bandits, she was to go to the baths soon. However, she passed the libraries just before. The sound of a familiar name made her pause.
"Reinhardt? Oh, Kiran sends him to battle so oten, they call him Kiran's right hand man.."
"Is that so?"
"Yes!" Sharena said. "They now call him "The Sword of Kiran. No enemy will last long on the battle with him around."
Once, he'd been known as Ishtar's Sword, and Ishtar's right hand man.
Then, when Julius asked, she'd sent him away. She hadn't fought, even a little. She thought it would keep him safe.
She should've; she knew that now. He'd died in that battle. And how she had grieved at that loss, enough to push her into the depths at the loss of yet another dear to her.
Reinhardt had been the last, the one who had plunged her into the depths of hopelessness, until she sought death to be reunited with those she loved.
But, death had led her here.
"I read the chronicles of the Holy wars, and Reinhardt is barely in it. With how popular he is, you'd think he'd be all over. But he's only mentioned in a footnote about the River Thracia, and that he served Queen Ishtar most loyally," Nina said.
It would be rude to intrude, but few knew Reinhardt better than her. She could correct every wrong assumption about him.
The thought that history had forgotten him, left him a footnote left her filled with sorrow.
"Then I'll tell you," Sharena said.
"Reinhardt was a knight of Friege in the land of Jugdral, completely dedicated to his duty, and his liege," Sharena said.
"His is quite a tragic story. He and his sister took different paths, but they've somewhat made up here. He was even separated from his one true love. However, he got a second chance in Askr. He's finally reunited with the one he loves!"
His...love?
She paused, all her plans to inform them of her knight--of his kindness and strength--put on hold.
Because she hadn't know this. Yes, she knew Reinhardt wasn't celibate. And each time she saw the hint of someone else upon him, a scent of a perfume not hers, a kiss mark he hadn't hidden well enough, it bothered her. Like sand hidden in her clothes, scratching and grating against her until she felt like she might break.
Thoughts which always confused her, for she had Julius.
But, to think that he had truly fallen in love plummeted her to depths she thought not even possible.
They spoke on about other heroes now. It was the hero Leif. She walked away, her head full of inscrutable, inexplicable thoughts.
*
It was as if a storm had gathered around her, even though the day was sunny and bright.
This shouldn't bother her. Really, she had no right. She loved Julius. Truly. She had sought him out from the moment she came to Askr. And even though she had never managed to meet him, she had never given up.
It wasn't as if she could worry that Reinhardt would be taken from her service, for he was no longer simply hers. She'd already let him go, by Julius's command.
Reinhardt was now a pillar of Askr. In her absence, he'd built up quite a bit of fame and good will here. Kiran relied on him every day in battle.
And if she were to be honestly, Reinhardt and her were not quite as close as they had been before she had been forced to dismiss him, but that was to be expected, was it not? She was lucky that he had been so forgiving, and had not pressed the issue, or snubbed her entirely.
She was lucky he even looked her in the eye after what she did to him, to be frank. The guilt still lingered with her, long after she'd made the fateful decision which led to the end of his life.
She'd deserved a cold shoulder. The very fact that he was cordial to her after what she'd done to him--been forced to do to him--was a testament to his character.
But, things between them were not the same. Once, she'd shared everything with him. He'd been her right hand man, and confidant. Then, Julius had become her lover and slowly things shifted.
And how she missed the bond of absolute trust, how her days were spent with him by her side.
When she was summoned to Askr, he was already there. She'd heard of his exploits long before she met him in the barracks.
The castle was filled with so many heroes, all from different lands. And he was often deployed in battle. So it took some times before their paths crossed.
And during that time, had he found someone? The princess Sharena mentioned a reuniting--had he been in love all the time?
Then...she should be happy for him. She should ask him to invite her to the wedding, if he'd show her such mercy. But, the mere thought made it difficult to breathe. Like her ribs would crack at this pressure.
She couldn't understand it. She loved Julius. She should hope the best for Reinhardt. Instead, she was left with a choking grief, a sinking feeling she couldn't explain.
Dread. That was it. The sheer dread of the thought that she was losing Reinhardt all over again. And this time, there would be no returning.
"You are being ridiculous..." She said softly.
Selfish and childish, clinging to her knight, when he wasn't hers any longer.
No matter how she tried, she couldn't help but think of it. How he would look at who he loved, so tenderly. Hold out his hand and take theirs in a dance. He'd marry this person, and show them such tenderness and love.
Just the thought nearly brought her to tears, and she couldn't even begin to explain to herself why.
*
She caught sight of him after a bout in the arena.
"Reinhardt," she said softly.
He turned.
"Princess Ishtar?"
And what could she say? Who is it you love? What is their name? Are you truly besotted? Will you marry soon? Have I lost you entirely?
Even if she could put a face and name to the thoughts, what would it matter? It would only make it more real and that much more painful.
Besides, she loved Julius, she reminded herself. She had to remind herself of this more and more. When she had first come she had sought him out at every room, every battlefield.
She still hadn't found him. In all this time, he'd never looked for her and sought her out.
"You offer advice to many, yes?"
"I certainly try, when it is needed," Reinhardt said. "What troubles you?"
"What would you do if one dear to you loved another?"
"You think Julius has strayed? If so, he is the greatest fool alive. Anyone who would leave you would be utter dastards and fools."
"It is about...ah, someone else," she said quietly.
What she said wasn't very convincing, though Reinhardt was kind enough to not tell her that to her face.
"I am not the best to ask about such things. If you follow by my example, then the answer would be 'nothing, and endure the heartbreak for the rest of your life, and even beyond.'"
Her brow furrowed. "Nothing?"
"The one I love does not love me, and that is the beginning and end of the story," Reinhardt said.
His voice had such pain hidden deep down. And this revelation was confusing. She couldn't imagine anyone who would reject Reinhardt. Well, anyone who was attracted to men, at least.
"But have you spoken to them?" She persisted.
"There is no need; I already know how this story ends."
"But were you blunt? You would be very easy to fall in love with. Nearly anyone could," she said.
And, indeed, Reinhardt was the very glory of Friege. Handsome and strong, he'd earned the moniker 'the second coming of Thrud' for his marked resemblance to the crusader, though he had no holy blood within his veins at all.
"I am sorry that I could not offer better advice to your friend. Perhaps you should ask Fjorm, she is often in the library," he said.
How could she explain it when she could hardly explain it to herself.
She changed the subject. "You did well in the arena today," she said softly.
"Thank you."
"Reinhardt, could you come for a moment? We need you in the war room," Kiran said.
"Of course. I'll be there in a few moments."
"If you'll excuse me, Princess Ishtar."
"Of course," she said numbly.
She saw the famous summoner herself, in robes of white and gold, with a hood that covered her face partly. Only those close to her could see her true. She came from the land of steel, and knew things which seemed fantastical and incredible.
Reinhardt smiled at Kiran.
What a warm smile, and how many times had Ishtar received it.
Back then, she'd accepted it as the loyalty of a knight. And it'd been comforting to know that Reinhardt was hers. She could always rely upon him. And it would nigh take a feat from the gods to defeat him.
How was it that she could only recognize now, when he looked at someone else like that, just how much she treasured his kindness, his smiles and gentle protection.
Was this who he loved? She would look to each hero, and wonder which one had the gift of Reinhardt's love, and didn't even realize it.
What a pain within her, to see him going his own path, far away from her. One day they would part for good again. And she didn't know what she would do when that day came upon her. She'd already given up so much, and suffered so much pain.
Not him too, she thought.
Was this some twist of fate or karma? To be saved from the death she sought, to be reunited with her knight only to lose him again and again?
If it was, she deserved it.
For casting him aside, for every child she wasn't able to save.
*
She needed to find Julius. That would set things to right. Her feelings would no longer be muddled, and she could finally let Reinhardt go to his love.
Ishtar redoubled her efforts to find him. She charged some of the thieves and less savory sorts to help her find secrets, she tracked through trails and forests. Thorns and burrs caught in her dress and skin. She had to pull leaves from her hair. Her feet hurt.
And even then, her mind kept wandering back to Askr.
Ishtar would not let it. She must focus on finding her love. Then everything would make sense again.
How many times had she had that thought? That if Julius just returned to how he was, if she just woke from this dream, finally she would be happy again.
It will be different this time, she thought. If only she could believe it.
Julius didn't gather with the other heroes, and when she had finally found him, she found him almost feral. He had tossed aside all human connection, with tangled hair and wild red eyes. His dark robes were ripped and dirty, and covered with bloodstains. Even his teeth--too sharp, now, almost fangs--and his mouth had fresh blood upon it.
She couldn't even tell if the blood upon him was animal or from battle. Blood coated his mouth, his face, and dripped down his jaw.
Ishtar thought that seeing Julius would fix everything. That she would fall in love with him all over again, and death would change him completely. But she only felt renewed sadness.
Not love, not the desire to come to his side, or some magic to fix all the wrongs. The man she saw before her was definitely Julius. She recognized his brand. Yet, he was also barely recognizable as even human any longer. Whatever Manfroy had done to him, it had eclipsed his entire humanity.
Like her, he lived only for battle. Except, he reveled in the blood, craved it, bathed in it. Whereas she tried to find purpose in her strength alone, he killed for pleasure and to consume flesh.
He showed no recognition in his deep red eyes as he looked to her.
"So you wish to die...My blood lust hasn't been sated enough."
He laughed then, and it echoed in this cave full of bones, like a dragon's lair. His voice was strange, distorted, inhuman, deeper.
"Julius, don't you remember me? Julius!"
He did not soften or flinch away at the sound of her voice. The eyes that stared back at her, shining red and full of malice, were that of a stranger who wore Julius's face and body like a costume.
"Maybe you'll amuse me and be a bit of a challenge. Soon your bones will join theirs."
Who she loved...was long gone. That was clear to her now. What was left was barely human, and drenched in fell magic.
Magic came to his call, at his fingertips. He sneered, a look so unlike the one she loved.
"Julius, I love you... loved you." Her voice was hollow as she spoke.
And she knew it true, as she said the words.
When did she stop loving him? It wasn't this moment. This was just the final acceptance that Julius, her Julius, could not and would not be saved.
Had it started with the first time she saw him descend to darkness? The beginning of the hunts? When she betrayed him again and again?
She didn't know. She didn't know.
"Love?"
Julius--or whatever this creature who had her former lover's face and name was before her--sneered.
"Humans are pathetic and weak. I have no use for such things, any longer. I've beaten death, and come to conquer. All will belong to me in the end, and the empire will span across every world. All will know the name of Loptous and worship as their god, and their bones will be delicious."
He lifted his hands, hellfire in his palm, a smirk on his face. Nothing of her beloved, nothing anymore.
"Join them on the pyre to the god Loptous, to me," he said.
She was stunned, aching at the sight of her once lover like this--but not to inaction.
Mjölnir came to her call, pages fluttering and the book rising with massive power.
She knew it wouldn't kill him, but it still was agonizing to say the words Mjölnir. The light of thunder filled the cave. In the light, she left before the last flash.
Without a goodbye.
*
She returned to Askr. It was her home, now. She couldn't return to her beloved Friege, not any longer, now that death had claimed her. Her spirit had ended up here.
At first, she thought it purgatory and sought out Julius to let their spirits ascend, or descend. Whatever afterlife held for them.
Now, she knew that path had closed to her. Julius had gone somewhere so dark and deep that she couldn't reach him any longer.
She heard a voice behind her, and turned.
"Princess Ishtar? I was looking for you?"
"Were you? I had to...find something," she said.
"Did you find what you sought?"
Yes, and no. Her hopes dashed, but she could finally let go of them and hold onto grief.
She nodded, too numb to say the words.
"Princess Ishtar, you seem more troubled than ever," Reinhardt said.
"I... found Julius," she said flatly.
"I see."
His expression was blank, but she knew him well enough to notice the guarded nature of his dark eyes.
"Or what is left of him. He is...corrupted completely. In Askr, he cannot be killed yet he cannot be saved either. He is eternally in some purgatory."
"He was at the castle for a while. He destroyed many things before he began to leave. Meeting with him was...not pleasant, though the contract that prevents heroes from killing each other spared my life, or whatever a life this is."
And he didn't have to say it. That he was glad that Julius had gone. Somehow, she'd missed Julius before he was corrupted entirely.
Never got a chance to be reunited, confess her betrayal. Perhaps it was for the best. It would've enraged him completely. She couldn't imagine he would forgive such a slight.
In the end, she would've faced down the same fate.
"I cannot say anything which will make this better. But I can ensure you will not be alone in this burden as long as I draw breath."
She looked up to him. Even after all this time, after she'd abandoned him to sate Julius's rage, and save his life, and how much Julius and Reinhardt had hated each other, Reinhardt was still here for her.
*
And he kept his promise. She wasn't left alone and lonely. The weeks turned to months. He offered what comfort he could, and even that was bitter sweet, for and it was a certain kind of melancholy to have him near, yet so far from her.
The wound slowly healed. She occasionally saw Julius in battle--or what was left of the husk of him. She still felt sorrow, but she no longer wished to tread that path.
If anything, she had achieved her goal without meaning to. Seeing Julius did give her clarity. She knew all her efforts, all her trying meant nothing in the end.
She couldn't say it fixed or made things right, but nothing could fix what Loptous had broken.
All she could do was continue on his this after-life in Askr.
*
She knew what it was to love, and to lose. So it was that it took her a surprising amount of time to recognize the signs of it again.
This time, not for Julius.
In truth, it'd been there. She'd denied it, questioned it, ignored it.
And even then she was confused by this feeling. When had it come? Had Julius been right all along, that Reinhardt was between them, that one day he would take her away from him?
Though, it was the dragon Loptous between them most of all, the final wedge which had killed the love she had.
How cruel, to only realize her feelings only when Reinhardt was no longer hers. What she deserved for every bit of innocent blood spilled, yet still a ache she would carry, perhaps all her life, or half-life as it was in Askr.
For she would not let Reinhardt way from her. If she must stand at his wedding to another and keep back her tears, then she would do it.
*
She caught sight of Olwen within the busy halls of Askr, filled with heroes of many lands. She spoke above the noise.
"Have you seen Reinhardt? We--usually spend time after his time in the arena. But I didn't see him today."
"Oh, he's in the library. Every moment he isn't working, he's training these days. It's been like that ever since you came here," Olwen said.
"Has it?"
"He's always been like this when it comes to you."
Olwen smiled knowingly.
If it was some inside joke, she did not know it. Then again, the Schutaeze siblings were quite close. Not even death or being on the opposite sides of the war had severed their bond completely.
She stepped between the shelves, all full of histories of many worlds. Between them were many tables for study. She passed by Fjorm, and many other mages from different lands.
The library had the scent of newly bound pages. It never got a chance to get dusty, with so many mages about.
Reinhardt seemed on good terms with the many mage here, though she had scarcely introduced herself to any but those who already knew her. Tine and Reinhardt had made an effort, and she often ran into Olwen.
She was still dealing with her grief, and her death. Both of herself, and the death of her love.
She finally found Reinhardt near the very back of the library, at one of the tables provided for study. He had many magical tomes before him. Reinhardt leaned back and rubbed at his temples.
He smiled when he caught sight of her.
"Hello, Princess Ishtar. I did not expect to see you here."
"I was looking for you," she said.
"I cannot allow myself to grow complacent."
"I should study as well," Ishtar replied.
"Your magic skill is unparalleled," he said.
"As is yours. Still, one can always learn."
She sat across from him, and took up a tome. From time to time she would look up and steal a glance at him. His focus was so absolute that he scarcely broke it. He was still, and only his eyes moved, until it came time to turn the page.
"Do you need a rest?" Reinhardt said softly.
"No, we've only just begun."
No wonder, Reinhardt worried for her so. Even now, with death and betrayal between them.
"How long have you been studying and training?"
"Since before dawn. I only broke for my duties at the arena and a short lunch before returning."
She smiled.
"You're so dutiful. Whoever has your love is a lucky person."
"And I should say the same," Reinhardt said.
"There is no...Julius...he..."
Didn't even exist any longer, as much as it hurt her to realize. Whatever Manfroy had done to Julius had devoured the man she loved and left him a corrupted, feral husk of a man.
And many had died in her pursuit to save him. A doomed path, but she would have still taken it even knowing.
She cleared her throat. "We are...not any longer."
His dark eyes were filled with an unknown emotion, sharp and passionate. "Then he is a fool for ever letting you go."
There was nothing left, no recognition in Julius's eyes. Only bloodlust. He'd left humanity entirely. And only in truly losing Julius did she realize how much Reinhardt meant to her. Now that she'd lost him completely.
She'd resign herself to sadness. Put on a smile. Support Reinhardt how she could.
"Yes, well...When you wed, bring me to the wedding? I should hope to wish you well," she said. She could barely keep her voice from breaking, but she remained strong. She forced herself to smile, like she was happy for him. As if she wasn't drowning in sorrow every moment.
The look he gave her was decidedly confused, even incredulous. "Wedding? Where have you gotten such ideas?"
"Because, if you tried again, I am sure you could reach them."
She smiled softly.
"It's you, Reinhardt. Little is insurmountable to you."
"How did this even begin?"
"I heard....in the library. You love someone, and were finally reunited with them."
Reinhardt looked down to the tome before him.
"They've taken to gossiping about me, hmm?"
"Sharena and Nina are as jovial as always," Ishtar said.
"Yes...it is true, someone holds my heart within their hands, even as they do not realize it."
The confirmation hurt more than she thought it would. Even though she knew.
"Then...I am happy for you, and only wish your happiness."
Even if it broke her heart, she would remain strong.
"The one I love is the kindest person I have ever known. I loved her long, even before we arrived at Askr. I waited for her."
Her?
Well, that left out many, like Saias.
Ishtar's mind went through each from Friege. There weren't many from her land here, even less than he could plausibly love.
Tailtiu had died long before their era, and besides, she was already married to Azelle by then.
Tine and Olwen would of course be excepted, for they were his sister, and like a sister to him respectively.
Ishtar hardly thought that he had pined after her mother. The air between them was often quite hostile. With mother more than once broaching that Reinhardt disturbed Julius, and that he should be sent elsewhere.
Ishtar hadn't gone much beyond those of Jugdral, and even then she had avoided those of the Liberation Army when she could. Even if she knew their cause was just, they had murdered her family and the wounds were still fresh.
But as Ishtar tried to think, not a single name came to her but her own.
That left--her, and her alone.
Her heartbeat was erratic at this thought, this hope.
"Reinhardt...the person you love is..."
"Before me? Yes."
All the emotions she had pushed down. Tears spilled from her eyes.
"Princess Ishtar?!"
He reached forward and clutched her hand.
"I overheard in the library, Nina and Sharena discussing you. That you loved someone and I... I was melancholy for months thinking I'd completely lost you. That I would have to wait at your wedding and lose you all over again..."
She broke into a sob, and he shifted enough to pull her into an embrace. She rested her head against the firm strength of his chest.
"I didn't realize it. I didn't realize at all. But the thought of losing you all over again left me..."
She couldn't even begin to explain the feelings within her. The deepest sorrow, hope snatched away.
"I would've taken it to my grave, but Olwen took my aside and truly gave me the third degree. She called me a fool and then some, and told me to 'get it together' Well, that is a paraphrase of what she truly said. It was a bit too foul to be repeated."
Ishtar smiled through her tears. "She does have a temper and a very sharp tongue."
He dried her eyes with such gentleness, and such love.
"I should hope I have enough strength to make it so you never have to cry again," Reinhardt said softly.
"If anyone has that power, it would be you," she said.
"Wait, Reinhardt... has these feelings been within you for a long time?"
"Very," he said.
Oh...that meant Reinhardt loved her even when she and Julius were still lovers. Before the influence of Loptous destroyed him entirely.
She had some mere months of heartache to think of losing him to someone else. Reinhardt would've had years.
"Can this truly be? Will I wake soon?"
He kissed her cheek, and she leaned in to him.
"You'll truly stay with me?"
"Always," he said. "Even beyond death."
"I have hurt you horribly and committed so many sins. I let so many die. But, somehow, I have escaped death and met you again. So, let this be the beginning of my redemption, if it could be called that. If I could even deserve that."
"Don't say such things. The sins of the war are not yours to carry."
"I didn't save enough of the children. Not nearly enough. I sent you away, I--"
His thumb stroked her hand.
"You did what you could, and more than most. More than I. I won't let you carry this weight alone, Princess Ishtar. Let me shoulder this burden. Perhaps we'll both find redemption in this land of Askr together."
"Yes..."
And she sought him, his lips to hers. She felt alive, even after death when she felt the heat of his mouth against hers.
Even after death, hope and love could still be hers.
Fandom: FE4/5 / Fire Emblem Heroes,
Character/Pairing: Reinhardt/Ishtar
Rating: PG-13
Summary: When recounting the backgrounds of some heroes, Ishtar overhears that Reinhardt was in love. This revelation troubles her deeply, in ways she cannot explain to herself.
Word count: 4,676
Author's note:
The Julius here is completely fallen and taken over by Lotopus.
The Ishtar here is A!Ishtar, thus the timeline about how Reinhardt was here before her.
In the French translation, Reinhardt is referred to as "Ishtar's sword" and "Ishtar's Right hand man." (And his dancing alt is called "Hymn of Ishtar" for the record.)
After a long day of fighting off bandits, she was to go to the baths soon. However, she passed the libraries just before. The sound of a familiar name made her pause.
"Reinhardt? Oh, Kiran sends him to battle so oten, they call him Kiran's right hand man.."
"Is that so?"
"Yes!" Sharena said. "They now call him "The Sword of Kiran. No enemy will last long on the battle with him around."
Once, he'd been known as Ishtar's Sword, and Ishtar's right hand man.
Then, when Julius asked, she'd sent him away. She hadn't fought, even a little. She thought it would keep him safe.
She should've; she knew that now. He'd died in that battle. And how she had grieved at that loss, enough to push her into the depths at the loss of yet another dear to her.
Reinhardt had been the last, the one who had plunged her into the depths of hopelessness, until she sought death to be reunited with those she loved.
But, death had led her here.
"I read the chronicles of the Holy wars, and Reinhardt is barely in it. With how popular he is, you'd think he'd be all over. But he's only mentioned in a footnote about the River Thracia, and that he served Queen Ishtar most loyally," Nina said.
It would be rude to intrude, but few knew Reinhardt better than her. She could correct every wrong assumption about him.
The thought that history had forgotten him, left him a footnote left her filled with sorrow.
"Then I'll tell you," Sharena said.
"Reinhardt was a knight of Friege in the land of Jugdral, completely dedicated to his duty, and his liege," Sharena said.
"His is quite a tragic story. He and his sister took different paths, but they've somewhat made up here. He was even separated from his one true love. However, he got a second chance in Askr. He's finally reunited with the one he loves!"
His...love?
She paused, all her plans to inform them of her knight--of his kindness and strength--put on hold.
Because she hadn't know this. Yes, she knew Reinhardt wasn't celibate. And each time she saw the hint of someone else upon him, a scent of a perfume not hers, a kiss mark he hadn't hidden well enough, it bothered her. Like sand hidden in her clothes, scratching and grating against her until she felt like she might break.
Thoughts which always confused her, for she had Julius.
But, to think that he had truly fallen in love plummeted her to depths she thought not even possible.
They spoke on about other heroes now. It was the hero Leif. She walked away, her head full of inscrutable, inexplicable thoughts.
*
It was as if a storm had gathered around her, even though the day was sunny and bright.
This shouldn't bother her. Really, she had no right. She loved Julius. Truly. She had sought him out from the moment she came to Askr. And even though she had never managed to meet him, she had never given up.
It wasn't as if she could worry that Reinhardt would be taken from her service, for he was no longer simply hers. She'd already let him go, by Julius's command.
Reinhardt was now a pillar of Askr. In her absence, he'd built up quite a bit of fame and good will here. Kiran relied on him every day in battle.
And if she were to be honestly, Reinhardt and her were not quite as close as they had been before she had been forced to dismiss him, but that was to be expected, was it not? She was lucky that he had been so forgiving, and had not pressed the issue, or snubbed her entirely.
She was lucky he even looked her in the eye after what she did to him, to be frank. The guilt still lingered with her, long after she'd made the fateful decision which led to the end of his life.
She'd deserved a cold shoulder. The very fact that he was cordial to her after what she'd done to him--been forced to do to him--was a testament to his character.
But, things between them were not the same. Once, she'd shared everything with him. He'd been her right hand man, and confidant. Then, Julius had become her lover and slowly things shifted.
And how she missed the bond of absolute trust, how her days were spent with him by her side.
When she was summoned to Askr, he was already there. She'd heard of his exploits long before she met him in the barracks.
The castle was filled with so many heroes, all from different lands. And he was often deployed in battle. So it took some times before their paths crossed.
And during that time, had he found someone? The princess Sharena mentioned a reuniting--had he been in love all the time?
Then...she should be happy for him. She should ask him to invite her to the wedding, if he'd show her such mercy. But, the mere thought made it difficult to breathe. Like her ribs would crack at this pressure.
She couldn't understand it. She loved Julius. She should hope the best for Reinhardt. Instead, she was left with a choking grief, a sinking feeling she couldn't explain.
Dread. That was it. The sheer dread of the thought that she was losing Reinhardt all over again. And this time, there would be no returning.
"You are being ridiculous..." She said softly.
Selfish and childish, clinging to her knight, when he wasn't hers any longer.
No matter how she tried, she couldn't help but think of it. How he would look at who he loved, so tenderly. Hold out his hand and take theirs in a dance. He'd marry this person, and show them such tenderness and love.
Just the thought nearly brought her to tears, and she couldn't even begin to explain to herself why.
*
She caught sight of him after a bout in the arena.
"Reinhardt," she said softly.
He turned.
"Princess Ishtar?"
And what could she say? Who is it you love? What is their name? Are you truly besotted? Will you marry soon? Have I lost you entirely?
Even if she could put a face and name to the thoughts, what would it matter? It would only make it more real and that much more painful.
Besides, she loved Julius, she reminded herself. She had to remind herself of this more and more. When she had first come she had sought him out at every room, every battlefield.
She still hadn't found him. In all this time, he'd never looked for her and sought her out.
"You offer advice to many, yes?"
"I certainly try, when it is needed," Reinhardt said. "What troubles you?"
"What would you do if one dear to you loved another?"
"You think Julius has strayed? If so, he is the greatest fool alive. Anyone who would leave you would be utter dastards and fools."
"It is about...ah, someone else," she said quietly.
What she said wasn't very convincing, though Reinhardt was kind enough to not tell her that to her face.
"I am not the best to ask about such things. If you follow by my example, then the answer would be 'nothing, and endure the heartbreak for the rest of your life, and even beyond.'"
Her brow furrowed. "Nothing?"
"The one I love does not love me, and that is the beginning and end of the story," Reinhardt said.
His voice had such pain hidden deep down. And this revelation was confusing. She couldn't imagine anyone who would reject Reinhardt. Well, anyone who was attracted to men, at least.
"But have you spoken to them?" She persisted.
"There is no need; I already know how this story ends."
"But were you blunt? You would be very easy to fall in love with. Nearly anyone could," she said.
And, indeed, Reinhardt was the very glory of Friege. Handsome and strong, he'd earned the moniker 'the second coming of Thrud' for his marked resemblance to the crusader, though he had no holy blood within his veins at all.
"I am sorry that I could not offer better advice to your friend. Perhaps you should ask Fjorm, she is often in the library," he said.
How could she explain it when she could hardly explain it to herself.
She changed the subject. "You did well in the arena today," she said softly.
"Thank you."
"Reinhardt, could you come for a moment? We need you in the war room," Kiran said.
"Of course. I'll be there in a few moments."
"If you'll excuse me, Princess Ishtar."
"Of course," she said numbly.
She saw the famous summoner herself, in robes of white and gold, with a hood that covered her face partly. Only those close to her could see her true. She came from the land of steel, and knew things which seemed fantastical and incredible.
Reinhardt smiled at Kiran.
What a warm smile, and how many times had Ishtar received it.
Back then, she'd accepted it as the loyalty of a knight. And it'd been comforting to know that Reinhardt was hers. She could always rely upon him. And it would nigh take a feat from the gods to defeat him.
How was it that she could only recognize now, when he looked at someone else like that, just how much she treasured his kindness, his smiles and gentle protection.
Was this who he loved? She would look to each hero, and wonder which one had the gift of Reinhardt's love, and didn't even realize it.
What a pain within her, to see him going his own path, far away from her. One day they would part for good again. And she didn't know what she would do when that day came upon her. She'd already given up so much, and suffered so much pain.
Not him too, she thought.
Was this some twist of fate or karma? To be saved from the death she sought, to be reunited with her knight only to lose him again and again?
If it was, she deserved it.
For casting him aside, for every child she wasn't able to save.
*
She needed to find Julius. That would set things to right. Her feelings would no longer be muddled, and she could finally let Reinhardt go to his love.
Ishtar redoubled her efforts to find him. She charged some of the thieves and less savory sorts to help her find secrets, she tracked through trails and forests. Thorns and burrs caught in her dress and skin. She had to pull leaves from her hair. Her feet hurt.
And even then, her mind kept wandering back to Askr.
Ishtar would not let it. She must focus on finding her love. Then everything would make sense again.
How many times had she had that thought? That if Julius just returned to how he was, if she just woke from this dream, finally she would be happy again.
It will be different this time, she thought. If only she could believe it.
Julius didn't gather with the other heroes, and when she had finally found him, she found him almost feral. He had tossed aside all human connection, with tangled hair and wild red eyes. His dark robes were ripped and dirty, and covered with bloodstains. Even his teeth--too sharp, now, almost fangs--and his mouth had fresh blood upon it.
She couldn't even tell if the blood upon him was animal or from battle. Blood coated his mouth, his face, and dripped down his jaw.
Ishtar thought that seeing Julius would fix everything. That she would fall in love with him all over again, and death would change him completely. But she only felt renewed sadness.
Not love, not the desire to come to his side, or some magic to fix all the wrongs. The man she saw before her was definitely Julius. She recognized his brand. Yet, he was also barely recognizable as even human any longer. Whatever Manfroy had done to him, it had eclipsed his entire humanity.
Like her, he lived only for battle. Except, he reveled in the blood, craved it, bathed in it. Whereas she tried to find purpose in her strength alone, he killed for pleasure and to consume flesh.
He showed no recognition in his deep red eyes as he looked to her.
"So you wish to die...My blood lust hasn't been sated enough."
He laughed then, and it echoed in this cave full of bones, like a dragon's lair. His voice was strange, distorted, inhuman, deeper.
"Julius, don't you remember me? Julius!"
He did not soften or flinch away at the sound of her voice. The eyes that stared back at her, shining red and full of malice, were that of a stranger who wore Julius's face and body like a costume.
"Maybe you'll amuse me and be a bit of a challenge. Soon your bones will join theirs."
Who she loved...was long gone. That was clear to her now. What was left was barely human, and drenched in fell magic.
Magic came to his call, at his fingertips. He sneered, a look so unlike the one she loved.
"Julius, I love you... loved you." Her voice was hollow as she spoke.
And she knew it true, as she said the words.
When did she stop loving him? It wasn't this moment. This was just the final acceptance that Julius, her Julius, could not and would not be saved.
Had it started with the first time she saw him descend to darkness? The beginning of the hunts? When she betrayed him again and again?
She didn't know. She didn't know.
"Love?"
Julius--or whatever this creature who had her former lover's face and name was before her--sneered.
"Humans are pathetic and weak. I have no use for such things, any longer. I've beaten death, and come to conquer. All will belong to me in the end, and the empire will span across every world. All will know the name of Loptous and worship as their god, and their bones will be delicious."
He lifted his hands, hellfire in his palm, a smirk on his face. Nothing of her beloved, nothing anymore.
"Join them on the pyre to the god Loptous, to me," he said.
She was stunned, aching at the sight of her once lover like this--but not to inaction.
Mjölnir came to her call, pages fluttering and the book rising with massive power.
She knew it wouldn't kill him, but it still was agonizing to say the words Mjölnir. The light of thunder filled the cave. In the light, she left before the last flash.
Without a goodbye.
*
She returned to Askr. It was her home, now. She couldn't return to her beloved Friege, not any longer, now that death had claimed her. Her spirit had ended up here.
At first, she thought it purgatory and sought out Julius to let their spirits ascend, or descend. Whatever afterlife held for them.
Now, she knew that path had closed to her. Julius had gone somewhere so dark and deep that she couldn't reach him any longer.
She heard a voice behind her, and turned.
"Princess Ishtar? I was looking for you?"
"Were you? I had to...find something," she said.
"Did you find what you sought?"
Yes, and no. Her hopes dashed, but she could finally let go of them and hold onto grief.
She nodded, too numb to say the words.
"Princess Ishtar, you seem more troubled than ever," Reinhardt said.
"I... found Julius," she said flatly.
"I see."
His expression was blank, but she knew him well enough to notice the guarded nature of his dark eyes.
"Or what is left of him. He is...corrupted completely. In Askr, he cannot be killed yet he cannot be saved either. He is eternally in some purgatory."
"He was at the castle for a while. He destroyed many things before he began to leave. Meeting with him was...not pleasant, though the contract that prevents heroes from killing each other spared my life, or whatever a life this is."
And he didn't have to say it. That he was glad that Julius had gone. Somehow, she'd missed Julius before he was corrupted entirely.
Never got a chance to be reunited, confess her betrayal. Perhaps it was for the best. It would've enraged him completely. She couldn't imagine he would forgive such a slight.
In the end, she would've faced down the same fate.
"I cannot say anything which will make this better. But I can ensure you will not be alone in this burden as long as I draw breath."
She looked up to him. Even after all this time, after she'd abandoned him to sate Julius's rage, and save his life, and how much Julius and Reinhardt had hated each other, Reinhardt was still here for her.
*
And he kept his promise. She wasn't left alone and lonely. The weeks turned to months. He offered what comfort he could, and even that was bitter sweet, for and it was a certain kind of melancholy to have him near, yet so far from her.
The wound slowly healed. She occasionally saw Julius in battle--or what was left of the husk of him. She still felt sorrow, but she no longer wished to tread that path.
If anything, she had achieved her goal without meaning to. Seeing Julius did give her clarity. She knew all her efforts, all her trying meant nothing in the end.
She couldn't say it fixed or made things right, but nothing could fix what Loptous had broken.
All she could do was continue on his this after-life in Askr.
*
She knew what it was to love, and to lose. So it was that it took her a surprising amount of time to recognize the signs of it again.
This time, not for Julius.
In truth, it'd been there. She'd denied it, questioned it, ignored it.
And even then she was confused by this feeling. When had it come? Had Julius been right all along, that Reinhardt was between them, that one day he would take her away from him?
Though, it was the dragon Loptous between them most of all, the final wedge which had killed the love she had.
How cruel, to only realize her feelings only when Reinhardt was no longer hers. What she deserved for every bit of innocent blood spilled, yet still a ache she would carry, perhaps all her life, or half-life as it was in Askr.
For she would not let Reinhardt way from her. If she must stand at his wedding to another and keep back her tears, then she would do it.
*
She caught sight of Olwen within the busy halls of Askr, filled with heroes of many lands. She spoke above the noise.
"Have you seen Reinhardt? We--usually spend time after his time in the arena. But I didn't see him today."
"Oh, he's in the library. Every moment he isn't working, he's training these days. It's been like that ever since you came here," Olwen said.
"Has it?"
"He's always been like this when it comes to you."
Olwen smiled knowingly.
If it was some inside joke, she did not know it. Then again, the Schutaeze siblings were quite close. Not even death or being on the opposite sides of the war had severed their bond completely.
She stepped between the shelves, all full of histories of many worlds. Between them were many tables for study. She passed by Fjorm, and many other mages from different lands.
The library had the scent of newly bound pages. It never got a chance to get dusty, with so many mages about.
Reinhardt seemed on good terms with the many mage here, though she had scarcely introduced herself to any but those who already knew her. Tine and Reinhardt had made an effort, and she often ran into Olwen.
She was still dealing with her grief, and her death. Both of herself, and the death of her love.
She finally found Reinhardt near the very back of the library, at one of the tables provided for study. He had many magical tomes before him. Reinhardt leaned back and rubbed at his temples.
He smiled when he caught sight of her.
"Hello, Princess Ishtar. I did not expect to see you here."
"I was looking for you," she said.
"I cannot allow myself to grow complacent."
"I should study as well," Ishtar replied.
"Your magic skill is unparalleled," he said.
"As is yours. Still, one can always learn."
She sat across from him, and took up a tome. From time to time she would look up and steal a glance at him. His focus was so absolute that he scarcely broke it. He was still, and only his eyes moved, until it came time to turn the page.
"Do you need a rest?" Reinhardt said softly.
"No, we've only just begun."
No wonder, Reinhardt worried for her so. Even now, with death and betrayal between them.
"How long have you been studying and training?"
"Since before dawn. I only broke for my duties at the arena and a short lunch before returning."
She smiled.
"You're so dutiful. Whoever has your love is a lucky person."
"And I should say the same," Reinhardt said.
"There is no...Julius...he..."
Didn't even exist any longer, as much as it hurt her to realize. Whatever Manfroy had done to Julius had devoured the man she loved and left him a corrupted, feral husk of a man.
And many had died in her pursuit to save him. A doomed path, but she would have still taken it even knowing.
She cleared her throat. "We are...not any longer."
His dark eyes were filled with an unknown emotion, sharp and passionate. "Then he is a fool for ever letting you go."
There was nothing left, no recognition in Julius's eyes. Only bloodlust. He'd left humanity entirely. And only in truly losing Julius did she realize how much Reinhardt meant to her. Now that she'd lost him completely.
She'd resign herself to sadness. Put on a smile. Support Reinhardt how she could.
"Yes, well...When you wed, bring me to the wedding? I should hope to wish you well," she said. She could barely keep her voice from breaking, but she remained strong. She forced herself to smile, like she was happy for him. As if she wasn't drowning in sorrow every moment.
The look he gave her was decidedly confused, even incredulous. "Wedding? Where have you gotten such ideas?"
"Because, if you tried again, I am sure you could reach them."
She smiled softly.
"It's you, Reinhardt. Little is insurmountable to you."
"How did this even begin?"
"I heard....in the library. You love someone, and were finally reunited with them."
Reinhardt looked down to the tome before him.
"They've taken to gossiping about me, hmm?"
"Sharena and Nina are as jovial as always," Ishtar said.
"Yes...it is true, someone holds my heart within their hands, even as they do not realize it."
The confirmation hurt more than she thought it would. Even though she knew.
"Then...I am happy for you, and only wish your happiness."
Even if it broke her heart, she would remain strong.
"The one I love is the kindest person I have ever known. I loved her long, even before we arrived at Askr. I waited for her."
Her?
Well, that left out many, like Saias.
Ishtar's mind went through each from Friege. There weren't many from her land here, even less than he could plausibly love.
Tailtiu had died long before their era, and besides, she was already married to Azelle by then.
Tine and Olwen would of course be excepted, for they were his sister, and like a sister to him respectively.
Ishtar hardly thought that he had pined after her mother. The air between them was often quite hostile. With mother more than once broaching that Reinhardt disturbed Julius, and that he should be sent elsewhere.
Ishtar hadn't gone much beyond those of Jugdral, and even then she had avoided those of the Liberation Army when she could. Even if she knew their cause was just, they had murdered her family and the wounds were still fresh.
But as Ishtar tried to think, not a single name came to her but her own.
That left--her, and her alone.
Her heartbeat was erratic at this thought, this hope.
"Reinhardt...the person you love is..."
"Before me? Yes."
All the emotions she had pushed down. Tears spilled from her eyes.
"Princess Ishtar?!"
He reached forward and clutched her hand.
"I overheard in the library, Nina and Sharena discussing you. That you loved someone and I... I was melancholy for months thinking I'd completely lost you. That I would have to wait at your wedding and lose you all over again..."
She broke into a sob, and he shifted enough to pull her into an embrace. She rested her head against the firm strength of his chest.
"I didn't realize it. I didn't realize at all. But the thought of losing you all over again left me..."
She couldn't even begin to explain the feelings within her. The deepest sorrow, hope snatched away.
"I would've taken it to my grave, but Olwen took my aside and truly gave me the third degree. She called me a fool and then some, and told me to 'get it together' Well, that is a paraphrase of what she truly said. It was a bit too foul to be repeated."
Ishtar smiled through her tears. "She does have a temper and a very sharp tongue."
He dried her eyes with such gentleness, and such love.
"I should hope I have enough strength to make it so you never have to cry again," Reinhardt said softly.
"If anyone has that power, it would be you," she said.
"Wait, Reinhardt... has these feelings been within you for a long time?"
"Very," he said.
Oh...that meant Reinhardt loved her even when she and Julius were still lovers. Before the influence of Loptous destroyed him entirely.
She had some mere months of heartache to think of losing him to someone else. Reinhardt would've had years.
"Can this truly be? Will I wake soon?"
He kissed her cheek, and she leaned in to him.
"You'll truly stay with me?"
"Always," he said. "Even beyond death."
"I have hurt you horribly and committed so many sins. I let so many die. But, somehow, I have escaped death and met you again. So, let this be the beginning of my redemption, if it could be called that. If I could even deserve that."
"Don't say such things. The sins of the war are not yours to carry."
"I didn't save enough of the children. Not nearly enough. I sent you away, I--"
His thumb stroked her hand.
"You did what you could, and more than most. More than I. I won't let you carry this weight alone, Princess Ishtar. Let me shoulder this burden. Perhaps we'll both find redemption in this land of Askr together."
"Yes..."
And she sought him, his lips to hers. She felt alive, even after death when she felt the heat of his mouth against hers.
Even after death, hope and love could still be hers.
