fic: Hangover
Apr. 26th, 2022 12:43 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bonnefoisTitle: Hangover
Fandom: Stardew Valley
Character/Pairing: Shane/Farmer
Word count: 2,382
Summary: Shane falters in his attempt at sobriety for the first time just before his wedding.
Author's note:
I named farmer Jack after the original Harvest Moon Jack, and used the default sprite.
Shane's self loathing and views on addiction is depiction and not endorsement.
Shane woke up with a pain in his head like someone had hammered the for hours. Like his brain was splitting apart at the seams. His mouth was dry and tasted awful. He must've hurled sometime last night. Shane sure hoped he made it to the bathroom.
He closed his eyes and tried to fight the growing nausea.
He'd forgotten how much a hangover could suck. Waking up lucid and not wanting to vomit was just one of the bonuses of his attempt at sobriety.
But, considering that it was him of course he'd fucked it up. He fucked everything up. Why did he even try? Like he'd ever really escape this rut he'd dug so deep for himself.
No matter what he did, nothing really changed. He'd gotten a whole new change of place for him and Jas. Somewhere safe.
And what did he do? He went straight to the saloon and started right back on that path. He didn't even have a single day when he started out here that he took this chance of a new start.
At least, until Jack came into his life. Shane had been a drunken asshole and Jack hadn't cared and had fallen in love with him anyways. He'd pulled Shane from the edge, quite literally.
And just when Shane finally was so close to his happy ending, he fucking slipped.
It'd just been so much. The upcoming wedding, the knowledge that he'd for sure mess up with Jack. He gave in, two days before his wedding, and had a whole six pack by the same lake they'd once talked by in the moonlight.
With each drink, Shane had fallen deeper into the stupor. There's no way he won't break this off. He's going to see the light soon. No way anyone would want me.
Light coursed through the checkered curtains in his room. He didn't have to get up early, not since Jojamart closed down. But no way he'd fall asleep again feeling like this.
Any sensible, not fucked up person would be high on euphoria now. The most handsome, incredible guy wanted to date him. Marry him.
And Jack was incredible. Toned, handsome with slightly messy brown hair that fell into his brown eyes. He smiled so often and was so damn kind. And somehow, he liked Shane. When there was literally a guy on the beach who looked like he just came out of a romance novel.
But Shane was built different, with a brain that wanted to self-destruct whenever possible. Even in what should be his happiest moment, he managed to royally fuck it up.
He groggily stared out of his bed. His old soccer ball was in the corner. He didn't stay here long enough to get it dirty, but his last place had been a dump.
A shower and aspirin helped. Greasy food would help more. He didn't have anything to microwave, so he'd have to go to the Saloon, which was also their only restaurant in town.
A dangerous place, because it was all too easy to just end up there. At first, he'd be there all night. But without the Jojamart salary, he could be there all day, as long as he had enough money.
Ah, the joys of daydrinking. Which he might as well look forward to, because soon it'd be all that he had in his life.
*
He came out, hair wet and not exactly looking like the future blushing, euphoric groom. 'Grim' might apply to him, or even 'half alive.'
The hangover had hurt like hell, but it didn't hurt half as much as how sad and disappointed Jas and Marnie had been this morning. They knew the signs. His slurred speech from last night, the bloodshot eyes and scent of it on his breath.
Jack would know by now. Everybody knew everyone's business in a sleepy little town like this.
Shane barely even gave them a muttered good morning before he headed out the door. Not like he could go far. He ended up near the lake, where it'd all began. He'd been drunk enough to be contemplative, and had shared a drink and way too fucking much about himself with Jack.
He pulled off the mermaid pendant around his neck and stared down at it.
He should've known he'd fuck up the best thing in his life, too. It was all he did, after all.
*
Shane stared out at that water for hours, probably. It was about noon that he headed up to Jack's place. It was slow moving, after the injure that got him cut from his varsity Gridball team and made sure all his teams crashed with the same pop noise that came with the injury.
(Nobody said you could hear the way a part of him broke, but he had.)
"Might as well rip the band-aid off," Shane muttered.
Half the time Jack wouldn't even be home. But for once, he caught him at lunch. His overalls were dirty from a day of planting and taking care of livestock.
Unlike Shane, Jack turned his flight from a horrible Jojamart job into a new start that made him real fucking rich and happy. Jack could have just about anybody he wanted around here.
And he'd chosen Shane of all people. The sad, pathetic drunk.
"Hey," Jack said.
Shane looked away. Fuck, he needed a drink.
Relying on alcohol as a crutch was what got him here in the first place.
"Hey," he muttered.
"You want to come in to your future house?"
Jack, love of his life, and the guy without the broken brain, was properly dealing with this. He was happy. Euphoric, even.
Meanwhile, Shane was backsliding as fast as he fucking could.
"Might as well be sitting down for this," he said.
"Sure, come on in."
His knee ached as he sat down at the kitchen table. The place was full of house plants and life. Jack often bought those decorations Pierre sold at festivals, until he got a home catalogue.
And this all could've been his, the guy, the happy ending, the great life, if Shane would just stop fucking everything up.
He took off the Mermaid Pendant and held it out.
"Look, if you want it back, go ahead. I'll understand. I couldn't figure out why the hell you'd want me anyways."
Shane shook his head.
"This is just going to keep happening. I'm just like that. There's no hope for me. You might as well go off and marry someone who isn't a complete disaster."
"Excuse me?" Jack said.
"I'm a fucking drunk, okay? "
The word came out sharper than intended. He'd stopped swearing ever since he moved in with Jas and Marnie. Verbally, at least. It was the least he could do, considering that he failed everything else in being her godfather.
But Jas wasn't around. So what he said wouldn't hurt her. This time, at least.
"I'm sure how you heard about what I did last night. Just before my wedding and I went on a fucking bender after months of sobriety. I am a fucking, good for nothing drunk and I always will be. I was fooling myself ever thinking I could just go cold turkey and have the happy ending with you. So just...take it. Marry Haley or Harvey or something. Somebody who won't make your life miserable."
Jack's brown eyes narrowed. Shane put the Mermaid pendant on the table, right next to the bowl of fruit. Fruit was the one healthy thing he liked. He was tempted to grab it and take a bite, but this really wasn't the time.
"You think I don't know that? When you were so drunk and literally on the edge, I helped haul you back to Marnie's, and helped get you to the paramedics so your stomach could be pumped. I flirted with you in the saloon daily. I'm well aware, Shane," Jack said.
Shane didn't look up from his hands. The edge of the Mermaid Pendant so close. He'd held to it every day to remind himself that it was real. That despite everything, somebody out there, a really great guy, thought he was lovable and worthy.
But, Shane just had to go and mess up the best thing that ever happened to him.
"I wanted to believe I could have this happy ending where I just kept away. I just decided to stop drinking and magically, I don't crave it anymore. But, even though I love you and I'm so damn happy to be able to marry you, I went and fucked up."
"I know that," Jack said.
"No matter how hard you love me, this part of me isn't just going to magically disappear. I'm going to have bad days. And sobriety is a hell of a lot harder than I thought it would be."
He smiled sadly. "It was so nice to lose those first few pounds and be able to buy those shoes for Jas. If only it'd ended there."
"I'm here for that, too. Unless...you really don't want to be together?"
Shane let out a long sigh. "I want to be with you so damn much. I want to think that a happy ending is possible for me, but I know it's not. Because I'll have bad days. The depression and addiction isn't going to just go away. You deserve somebody way better than me and my fucking baggage."
"You're the one I want. We'll fight it together, okay? I'm here for you. I love you."
Shane looked up. Jack had such a gentle look. He wasn't even fucking angry. And how could Jack still love him and not even tell him off for such a fuck up like this?
"Come here," Jack said softly.
Shane got up from the chair. Jack hugged him from behind. Shane let the warmth fill him up. It didn't take the parts of him that hated himself away, but it made it so they company. Something shouting them down.
How did he always know what to say? How did Jack just manage to...love him. Even when Shane went and fucked up his entire life over and over again.
"It's not the end of anything. So, you try again. Start a new record for how many days since you last drank."
Shane let out a sigh.
"I'm afraid...it'll happen again. It'll just keep happening, until you don't want anything to do with me. Then I'll be the desperate divorcee who's worse than ever, and know it's my own fault."
"Come on, Shane. We aren't even married yet. You're going a bit fast, I think," he said.
"I'm here for you. So you have a bad mental health day. So you accidentally drink a little bit. It's not going to make me love you any less."
These words hit deep. It was like Jack personally silenced every single doubt Shane had in his mind.
"The hell did I ever do to deserve you?"
Jack leaned in and kissed his cheek.
"Be the sexiest damn thing I ever saw."
"Sure, if you're into threadbare hoodies, a beer gut, and someone being an asshole to you constantly," Shane said.
"Apparently I am."
Jack let go only to pick up the Mermaid Pendant again.
"Here, you forgot this."
Shane put the mermaid pendant back on. It was so comforting to feel it against his chest again and have a physical reminder that Jack loved him.
"So....are we still back on for this....thing?"
"The wedding? We were always on. You just had pre-wedding jitters."
"Most people just have a crying jag or a fight or something. I broke my whole months of sobriety," he said.
"It happens," Jack said.
"You seem pretty calm, considering you'd be ending up with me."
"That's why I'm happy. Because I know in a few days, you'll be with me," he said.
He leaned in to kiss Shane on his cheek. You never know who might be there. He might have his tongue shoved down Jack's mouth only to look up and see that Jas wanted to play with the bunnies again.
He stood out on the porch before he went. Chickens scratched all about the big fence. It was quiet here.
Shane hadn't expected to like this life. It was the last ditch resort, after he went on a spiral after Ronnie and Renee died, and suddenly had a kid to take care of. But, he'd liked hanging around the chickens. They were soft and fluffy, and he grew attached to them.
He'd have a whole flock to visit here. He'd have peace and quiet and he wouldn't have to worry about being a lazy piece of shit, or a pathetic cog in the machine that was working for Jojamart. He'd be a free range chicken farmer, just like he'd dreamed.
I could be happy here, if my brain would just let me be happy for fucking once, he thought.
He'd call his therapist, work in a session. Maybe have his medication checked to make sure there wasn't any issues there.
Shane took a breath of that sweet country air, and looked out at the life he'd have soon, in just a couple days. Maybe he'd mess up again. Maybe there'd be beer at a festival for free and he wouldn't be strong enough to say no. But he'd keep trying, and Jack would be there.
He could just hear his therapist's voice. Now we need to work on your sense of not deserving happiness.
Recovery wasn't an easy, or even straight path. It was full of potholes and bumps. And it was pretty easy to fall flat on his face, right back into the same self-loathing and coping with alcohol. Because Jack still loved him even if he was a fuck up. Marnie and Jas hadn't abandoned him. He'd slipped, but it wasn't over.
Fandom: Stardew Valley
Character/Pairing: Shane/Farmer
Word count: 2,382
Summary: Shane falters in his attempt at sobriety for the first time just before his wedding.
Author's note:
I named farmer Jack after the original Harvest Moon Jack, and used the default sprite.
Shane's self loathing and views on addiction is depiction and not endorsement.
Shane woke up with a pain in his head like someone had hammered the for hours. Like his brain was splitting apart at the seams. His mouth was dry and tasted awful. He must've hurled sometime last night. Shane sure hoped he made it to the bathroom.
He closed his eyes and tried to fight the growing nausea.
He'd forgotten how much a hangover could suck. Waking up lucid and not wanting to vomit was just one of the bonuses of his attempt at sobriety.
But, considering that it was him of course he'd fucked it up. He fucked everything up. Why did he even try? Like he'd ever really escape this rut he'd dug so deep for himself.
No matter what he did, nothing really changed. He'd gotten a whole new change of place for him and Jas. Somewhere safe.
And what did he do? He went straight to the saloon and started right back on that path. He didn't even have a single day when he started out here that he took this chance of a new start.
At least, until Jack came into his life. Shane had been a drunken asshole and Jack hadn't cared and had fallen in love with him anyways. He'd pulled Shane from the edge, quite literally.
And just when Shane finally was so close to his happy ending, he fucking slipped.
It'd just been so much. The upcoming wedding, the knowledge that he'd for sure mess up with Jack. He gave in, two days before his wedding, and had a whole six pack by the same lake they'd once talked by in the moonlight.
With each drink, Shane had fallen deeper into the stupor. There's no way he won't break this off. He's going to see the light soon. No way anyone would want me.
Light coursed through the checkered curtains in his room. He didn't have to get up early, not since Jojamart closed down. But no way he'd fall asleep again feeling like this.
Any sensible, not fucked up person would be high on euphoria now. The most handsome, incredible guy wanted to date him. Marry him.
And Jack was incredible. Toned, handsome with slightly messy brown hair that fell into his brown eyes. He smiled so often and was so damn kind. And somehow, he liked Shane. When there was literally a guy on the beach who looked like he just came out of a romance novel.
But Shane was built different, with a brain that wanted to self-destruct whenever possible. Even in what should be his happiest moment, he managed to royally fuck it up.
He groggily stared out of his bed. His old soccer ball was in the corner. He didn't stay here long enough to get it dirty, but his last place had been a dump.
A shower and aspirin helped. Greasy food would help more. He didn't have anything to microwave, so he'd have to go to the Saloon, which was also their only restaurant in town.
A dangerous place, because it was all too easy to just end up there. At first, he'd be there all night. But without the Jojamart salary, he could be there all day, as long as he had enough money.
Ah, the joys of daydrinking. Which he might as well look forward to, because soon it'd be all that he had in his life.
*
He came out, hair wet and not exactly looking like the future blushing, euphoric groom. 'Grim' might apply to him, or even 'half alive.'
The hangover had hurt like hell, but it didn't hurt half as much as how sad and disappointed Jas and Marnie had been this morning. They knew the signs. His slurred speech from last night, the bloodshot eyes and scent of it on his breath.
Jack would know by now. Everybody knew everyone's business in a sleepy little town like this.
Shane barely even gave them a muttered good morning before he headed out the door. Not like he could go far. He ended up near the lake, where it'd all began. He'd been drunk enough to be contemplative, and had shared a drink and way too fucking much about himself with Jack.
He pulled off the mermaid pendant around his neck and stared down at it.
He should've known he'd fuck up the best thing in his life, too. It was all he did, after all.
*
Shane stared out at that water for hours, probably. It was about noon that he headed up to Jack's place. It was slow moving, after the injure that got him cut from his varsity Gridball team and made sure all his teams crashed with the same pop noise that came with the injury.
(Nobody said you could hear the way a part of him broke, but he had.)
"Might as well rip the band-aid off," Shane muttered.
Half the time Jack wouldn't even be home. But for once, he caught him at lunch. His overalls were dirty from a day of planting and taking care of livestock.
Unlike Shane, Jack turned his flight from a horrible Jojamart job into a new start that made him real fucking rich and happy. Jack could have just about anybody he wanted around here.
And he'd chosen Shane of all people. The sad, pathetic drunk.
"Hey," Jack said.
Shane looked away. Fuck, he needed a drink.
Relying on alcohol as a crutch was what got him here in the first place.
"Hey," he muttered.
"You want to come in to your future house?"
Jack, love of his life, and the guy without the broken brain, was properly dealing with this. He was happy. Euphoric, even.
Meanwhile, Shane was backsliding as fast as he fucking could.
"Might as well be sitting down for this," he said.
"Sure, come on in."
His knee ached as he sat down at the kitchen table. The place was full of house plants and life. Jack often bought those decorations Pierre sold at festivals, until he got a home catalogue.
And this all could've been his, the guy, the happy ending, the great life, if Shane would just stop fucking everything up.
He took off the Mermaid Pendant and held it out.
"Look, if you want it back, go ahead. I'll understand. I couldn't figure out why the hell you'd want me anyways."
Shane shook his head.
"This is just going to keep happening. I'm just like that. There's no hope for me. You might as well go off and marry someone who isn't a complete disaster."
"Excuse me?" Jack said.
"I'm a fucking drunk, okay? "
The word came out sharper than intended. He'd stopped swearing ever since he moved in with Jas and Marnie. Verbally, at least. It was the least he could do, considering that he failed everything else in being her godfather.
But Jas wasn't around. So what he said wouldn't hurt her. This time, at least.
"I'm sure how you heard about what I did last night. Just before my wedding and I went on a fucking bender after months of sobriety. I am a fucking, good for nothing drunk and I always will be. I was fooling myself ever thinking I could just go cold turkey and have the happy ending with you. So just...take it. Marry Haley or Harvey or something. Somebody who won't make your life miserable."
Jack's brown eyes narrowed. Shane put the Mermaid pendant on the table, right next to the bowl of fruit. Fruit was the one healthy thing he liked. He was tempted to grab it and take a bite, but this really wasn't the time.
"You think I don't know that? When you were so drunk and literally on the edge, I helped haul you back to Marnie's, and helped get you to the paramedics so your stomach could be pumped. I flirted with you in the saloon daily. I'm well aware, Shane," Jack said.
Shane didn't look up from his hands. The edge of the Mermaid Pendant so close. He'd held to it every day to remind himself that it was real. That despite everything, somebody out there, a really great guy, thought he was lovable and worthy.
But, Shane just had to go and mess up the best thing that ever happened to him.
"I wanted to believe I could have this happy ending where I just kept away. I just decided to stop drinking and magically, I don't crave it anymore. But, even though I love you and I'm so damn happy to be able to marry you, I went and fucked up."
"I know that," Jack said.
"No matter how hard you love me, this part of me isn't just going to magically disappear. I'm going to have bad days. And sobriety is a hell of a lot harder than I thought it would be."
He smiled sadly. "It was so nice to lose those first few pounds and be able to buy those shoes for Jas. If only it'd ended there."
"I'm here for that, too. Unless...you really don't want to be together?"
Shane let out a long sigh. "I want to be with you so damn much. I want to think that a happy ending is possible for me, but I know it's not. Because I'll have bad days. The depression and addiction isn't going to just go away. You deserve somebody way better than me and my fucking baggage."
"You're the one I want. We'll fight it together, okay? I'm here for you. I love you."
Shane looked up. Jack had such a gentle look. He wasn't even fucking angry. And how could Jack still love him and not even tell him off for such a fuck up like this?
"Come here," Jack said softly.
Shane got up from the chair. Jack hugged him from behind. Shane let the warmth fill him up. It didn't take the parts of him that hated himself away, but it made it so they company. Something shouting them down.
How did he always know what to say? How did Jack just manage to...love him. Even when Shane went and fucked up his entire life over and over again.
"It's not the end of anything. So, you try again. Start a new record for how many days since you last drank."
Shane let out a sigh.
"I'm afraid...it'll happen again. It'll just keep happening, until you don't want anything to do with me. Then I'll be the desperate divorcee who's worse than ever, and know it's my own fault."
"Come on, Shane. We aren't even married yet. You're going a bit fast, I think," he said.
"I'm here for you. So you have a bad mental health day. So you accidentally drink a little bit. It's not going to make me love you any less."
These words hit deep. It was like Jack personally silenced every single doubt Shane had in his mind.
"The hell did I ever do to deserve you?"
Jack leaned in and kissed his cheek.
"Be the sexiest damn thing I ever saw."
"Sure, if you're into threadbare hoodies, a beer gut, and someone being an asshole to you constantly," Shane said.
"Apparently I am."
Jack let go only to pick up the Mermaid Pendant again.
"Here, you forgot this."
Shane put the mermaid pendant back on. It was so comforting to feel it against his chest again and have a physical reminder that Jack loved him.
"So....are we still back on for this....thing?"
"The wedding? We were always on. You just had pre-wedding jitters."
"Most people just have a crying jag or a fight or something. I broke my whole months of sobriety," he said.
"It happens," Jack said.
"You seem pretty calm, considering you'd be ending up with me."
"That's why I'm happy. Because I know in a few days, you'll be with me," he said.
He leaned in to kiss Shane on his cheek. You never know who might be there. He might have his tongue shoved down Jack's mouth only to look up and see that Jas wanted to play with the bunnies again.
He stood out on the porch before he went. Chickens scratched all about the big fence. It was quiet here.
Shane hadn't expected to like this life. It was the last ditch resort, after he went on a spiral after Ronnie and Renee died, and suddenly had a kid to take care of. But, he'd liked hanging around the chickens. They were soft and fluffy, and he grew attached to them.
He'd have a whole flock to visit here. He'd have peace and quiet and he wouldn't have to worry about being a lazy piece of shit, or a pathetic cog in the machine that was working for Jojamart. He'd be a free range chicken farmer, just like he'd dreamed.
I could be happy here, if my brain would just let me be happy for fucking once, he thought.
He'd call his therapist, work in a session. Maybe have his medication checked to make sure there wasn't any issues there.
Shane took a breath of that sweet country air, and looked out at the life he'd have soon, in just a couple days. Maybe he'd mess up again. Maybe there'd be beer at a festival for free and he wouldn't be strong enough to say no. But he'd keep trying, and Jack would be there.
He could just hear his therapist's voice. Now we need to work on your sense of not deserving happiness.
Recovery wasn't an easy, or even straight path. It was full of potholes and bumps. And it was pretty easy to fall flat on his face, right back into the same self-loathing and coping with alcohol. Because Jack still loved him even if he was a fuck up. Marnie and Jas hadn't abandoned him. He'd slipped, but it wasn't over.
