fic: Reversal
Dec. 7th, 2021 12:24 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bonnefoisTitle: Reversal
Series: Stardew Valley
Character/pairing: Shane/farmer
Rating: PG-13
Word count: 3,455
Summary: It was noon on a rainy Saturday and Shane wondered what the hell he was doing.
Or, Shane goes looking for the fabled 'Mermaid's pendant.'
Author's note:
My brain went "I want reverse proposals." There's a mod for it, but I'm on Switch.
It was noon on a rainy Saturday and Shane wondered what the hell he was doing.
He should be watching television right now. He'd be drinking sparkling water and Joja cola, or at least try. He didn't always succeed. The more television he watched, the more he could drown out the thoughts and memories which were always there.
Drinking usually helped, too. Enough and he'd stop thinking. The doctor at Zuzu city said he was self-medicating with alcohol.
Shane just thought of it as surviving.
So, here he was. Sober on a Saturday. Jas was so damn excited. Like it was some grand theme park he'd taken her too, instead of just the same museum-slash-library that she went to every day for being tutored by Penny.
Kids were so innocent like that. The smallest things made them so happy. Like him bringing pizza back for her.
But, this was just another layer of guilt. He was a shit godfather, horrible employee and no-good addict, oh and an asshole, too. He was out of shape, after the injury kicked him out of commission and made him lose his scholarship.
He was nothing but another retail worker who hated his life. Real unique, there.
Shane took a deep breath. He didn't walk through the rain on a Saturday to go brood in a combination library and museum.
No, it couldn't just be something sold by Pierre's, Jojamart, or even a trip to Calico desert to try and haggle with the desert trader.
Pierre had smirked, and told him to go looking at the library.
That guy was such an asshole.
Jas was practically skipping as she went through the shelves.
"Ms. Penny says I'm a good reader."
Shane nodded, half listening as he scanned the titles.
There was something about a legendary fisherman, something about orcs, and more fishing...
Jas piped up. "I like this one. It has pretty pictures of flowers. Will you read it to me sometime, Shane?"
"Sure," Shane said.
The guilt came up again, like nausea. He hadn't read to her in a real long time. Longer than he could remember. Self-medicating took up all the time he wasn't working. He had to outrun the ghosts in his head somehow.
Back in the day, people used to drill in the head to let the ghosts out.
If only it was so easy to surgically remove all that from his life.
And here he was, only partly listening to her. Just like so many other times when he was far away and thinking about his next drink instead of being a good godfather to her.
Shane promised himself that he'd be a better, more sober godfather soon.
But right now, he was on a mission and he needed to find this out before the rain stopped.
Pierre had mentioned something else. Something about mermaids and rainy weather.
And now this damned quest, which was like something out of Sebastian's games was him finding out where this stupid relic was.
So he could be happy for the rest of his life with her, or make a horrible mistake.
Either or.
The hours passed, and Shane kept looking. Jas was so damn happy, sitting on one of those big plush bears with a picture book about chickens. Even when Shane wasn't doing much with her, she was just happy that he was kind of there.
Now that he'd stopped drinking (mostly, trying, getting there) he actually tucked her in instead of heading right to the saloon to drink himself into a stupor.
Finally, he came across a worn book. He couldn't make out a single word. He brought it to the front desk.
"Can you make sense of this?"
Gunther cleaned off his glasses. "Let me see here."
"Oh, it's about the Mermaid pendant."
That was the thing he was looking for. Something about mermaids and rain.
Then again, maybe it was for the best. No way he could afford a diamond, or even find one in the mines.
"You'll have to go to the shore. The far one, where the bridge got fixed, with the tide pools. You can't miss it."
"In the rain?"
Gunter laughed. "Oh, definitely. It's the only time the ghost of the old mariner will show up."
"Ghost?" Shane said skeptically.
"Yup."
"You're saying people get married via...ghosts down here?"
"Always have, always will," Gunter said.
"....Right. ....Thanks, I guess," Shane said.
Politeness wasn't his strong suit. Neither was niceness, for that matter.
He used to be okay in that respect. Before losing his two best friends, his dreams to an injury, and losing himself in a bottle.
"You ready to go home, Jas?" Shane said.
She smiled. "Actually, Vincent just came. We're gonna play hide and seek and look at the museum relics. Is that okay?"
"That's fine. I've got to...do a thing," he finished. He sounded stupid, he knew. But she smiled and didn't ask. She didn't even suspect that he was brushing her off to go get drunk.
Which he wasn't doing, for once.
*
Shane pulled the hood up on his hoodie and stared out at the sea. The rain pelted down around him. Just a normal day, looking for a ghost who sold the way to propose to his girlfriend. No big deal.
He didn't even believe in ghosts, and hadn't believed in love until about a year ago. Until he met her.
He'd avoided her, but she wouldn't give up on him, no matter what an asshole he was.
(Technically, it'd all started when he'd bought the bouquet drunk, or at least buzzed. It'd been a good deal. He'd taken it with sweating hands and shoved it in his pockets and forgotten about it after a bunch more beers.
He'd reached out into his pockets and pulled out this slightly wilted, lint-covered bouquet that he had forgotten about. He'd meant to give her some of his pizza. (Which was a whole lot less lint covered.)
For once, Drunk Shane made a good choice. Her face had completely lit up in the most beautiful smile.
He couldn't have managed to do it if he wasn't drunk. No way sober him could've ever asked her to be his girlfriend.)
He stared at the shores. Sea gulls flew in and skimmed over the waters. He wondered how he'd ever do this sober.
He hoped this thing wasn't possessed. That was the last thing he needed. He didn't believe in such things. Then again, before this, he didn't believe in ghosts, either.
He still wasn't sure he believed it. Probably some traveling salesman who told some spooky story to bring up sales.
Death was just an ending. That was the only thing he could believe, that one day the pain would end.
He couldn't dare believe in things like ghosts. Like if Renee and Ronnie weren't gone and out of pain, but hanging around and watching him be a horrible godfather to their kid.
Between the palm trees was an old fisherman. He had a long, scraggly beard and old fishing waders and slightly ripped clothes. Shane squinted at him. Was he sort of transparent, or was Shane hallucinating?
"Looks like you're ready for this," the man said.
And it didn't sound echoy or scary. It was kind of raspy, honest.
What kind of ghost asked for money? This thing had to be a scam. At least it was only 500.
His salary wasn't great, but at least he could make it since he quit, make that cut back on drinking.
He pulled out slightly crumpled cash from his pocket and got a blue shell in return.
And that was it. Proposal step one finished.
Make that step two.
If blue shells were what he needed, he could've gotten one from the beach for free. Hell, he could've taken Jas along and she would've loved it.
She loved little things, like a trip to the beach. She never got bored in this place, or felt trapped.
Kids were just innocent like that. He wished he could keep that innocence for as long as possible, but life was shit, and had a way of stomping on dreams.
At least, until he came here and met her. It was half and half now. Sometimes shit, sometimes not. And the more time he spent with her, the less horrible his life seemed.
*
He stared out at the lake. That night, so long ago, they'd drank together and he'd said way too much. And she'd still liked him after he spilled his guts and showed her just how ugly and scared and messed up he was inside.
And here he was again, about to tell her too much.
He wanted a drink so bad to steady his nerves. What would even happen if she said no? Of course she'd say no. He was a mess. What was he thinking?
Was he drunk when he came up with this bizarre scheme? (Surprisingly, for once, no.) Of course she'd say no.
His hand kept squeezing that little pendant. He should quit it. It might break, then where would he be? According to the book, that salesman (who definitely was a ghost) only came around on rainy days.
She was supposed to meet him out here, but she wasn't around. He'd give her a few minutes.
Even though he wanted to run back until he was near the hearth of the saloon and drink away these horrible feelings.
He heard the crunch of feet on the leaves and turned around.
The valley was pretty safe, as long as you stayed out of the mines and got in at night. Shane had passed out on the way back from the saloon before and found out that his entire salary for that week had been stolen by someone in the night.
"Shane? Is something the matter? Are you..."
She trailed off, and he knew exactly what she meant. Are you suicidal again?
He recognized it. The way Marnie and her would look away awkwardly, and Shane would know he fucked up again. Except his entire life was a series of steadily having everything good taken from him, until he couldn't trust anything to last.
Gridball scholarship? Gone with one injury. Jas's parents had died in a wreck. He'd had to sell almost everything he had even to get a ticket out here to work his damn retail job and do each mind numbing task after mind numbing task. All to end with a night at the saloon and passing out.
For so long he'd counted down the days until she and Jas and Marnie would be sick of his shit and leave, too.
But they kept being there.
And so did she. She was there when he was passed out--more than once. She talked him down, quite literally. If she hadn't been there, he might've taken that step.
If not then, there'd be other times.
"Nah...it's not that. The cans are Joja Cola, too, by the way."
He cleared his throat.
The depression didn't fully go away, but she'd helped him out. Life didn't feel like so much of an endless abyss.
She'd managed to leave her horrible Jojamart job, start a new life. She been kind to him even when he was an asshole, supported him even when he was a mess, and somehow liked him enough to stick around.
"Funny thing, I've been looking for something."
"Like a fruit or a leek or something? Because, I can grow them, if you want."
He looked annoyed. "No, not that."
Not a great way to start a proposal.
"None of the stores carried it. I had to go hunting in the library."
She tilted her head. Her brown ponytail shifted to the side of her shoulder. "Oh?"
"Look, I'm no good with this kind of stuff."
His hand tightened on the pendant.
"At all."
He could walk on out, pretend like he hadn't called her out here. Say he just wanted to see her and then head back home.
Or fall off the wagon again and drink himself into oblivion for daring to ever think he could be happy with her.
But, as he looked at her, for once, his desire to stay was stronger than his fear and anxiety.
Her brown hair was pulled back in a slightly messy ponytail. She looked so dang cute in bib overalls, slightly stained from work.
She'd been so kind, so supportive and always there, even when he was a complete asshole to her. She'd been so excited to be his girlfriend. And he sure was no prize.
Except, sadness came over her face. It was like a punch to the gut.
"Are you...breaking up with me?"
"What? No! Just, listen...Before I lose my nerve."
He pulled the shell out of his hoodie in almost a robotic way and opened his hand. He was very aware that his hand had sweated in the trip here and all the worrying and horrible thoughts in his mind. The pendant probably felt gross now.
"Here."
She lifted up the chain and looked the pendant over. Sheer joy came over her face, but that was so common.
Like Jas, she just found so much happiness everywhere. A high quality crop, spending time with her animals, the new flowers every season...it was like she found treasures underneath every stone here.
"You found a shell for me? It's lovely. I've never seen one like this before. Thank you! It's a very pretty necklace. It's so nice of you to think of me."
She didn't seem unhappy...but it wasn't a yes or no, either.
"So, you're going to think about it?" Shane said.
"About what? The shell? Nothing to think about. I definitely know it's pretty."
Oh, fuck, no. She wasn't from around here. Sure, her grandpa had the place. She'd probably come down here at some time, though he must've missed her.
(A funny thought, that they'd spent their lives just missing each other, until they didn't.)
But she'd been way to young to know about marriage proposals back then. And somehow, no one had told her this was how people proposed down here.
It was on the tip of his tongue to just go Never mind, forget it. Let her think it was just a pretty shell.
Except, she'd show it off. She'd wear it to town and someone in town would congratulate her on her marriage. He just knew it.
Damn if he didn't need a drink now. Self-medicate himself out of this disaster. It was pretty damn presumptuous to think his life would stop being a disaster now, when he most needed it to be.
She didn't even know what it was. He wasn't sure if that was worse than the are you kidding me? You think I would marry a mess like you? response he couldn't help but think was coming.
She tilted her head.
"Is something the matter? You seem a little...nervous."
Shane ran his fingers through his hair.
"...It's a thing around here to propose marriage with. I guess lucky for me, because there's no way I can afford a diamond ring on my Jojamart salary. Not even if I saved for years."
Shane sighed.
"A part of me thinks this whole thing is a cosmic joke and I'll wake up and be back where I was anytime soon. But I keep waking up and you're there and it isn't some dream, it's real. You're real... That's not a great proposal. Listen, I love you, okay?! Enough that I want to try. Enough that I went on this whole weird journey to find this thing. It even involved ghosts, and I don't even believe in ghosts."
He took a breath, and continued on before he lost track completely.
"You make me want to believe there's some better future out there, even if part of me has a hard time believing that anything good could ever come to me. I love you so much that it scares me, and I know that if I ever let you go, I'm going to regret it. Whatever years I have left, I want to spend them with you, if you'd have me..."
She looked so excited. All his nervous thoughts about how she'd go ew, never and step away from him like he was disgusting.
She leaned up and kissed him She was even shorter than him.
"!!!...Yes!"
He blinked in the moonlight. He almost asked her to say it again, because even though he'd heard, it made no sense.
A part of him couldn't believe someone like her would ever say yes to someone like him.
But, another part of him was far too in love with her to let go, even if that horrible critical voice in his head kept repeating just what a horrible mess and failure he was, and how this could only lead to heartbreak.
She reached out and took his hand and squeezed it. She couldn't stop smiling, and playing with that pendant with her other hand.
"I'm so happy! Oh, you really had me scared for a minute, there."
"I didn't think you'd say yes, honestly..."
"Of course I did. I love you. I've told you that many times. And I'll keep telling you that until you believe it."
It wasn't that he didn't believe her; he knew she loved him, for better or worse. It was the second-guessing that came with the horrible creeping negative internal voice that constantly went on in his mind. That constantly reminded him what an utter failure, and piece of shit he was.
It was the fact that he kept figuring she'd come to her senses. But she never did, and never had.
And hopefully never would.
Shane cleared his throat.
"Hey....What about Jas?"
Mentioning his goddaughter this soon might be a mistake, but then, Shane was good at making mistakes. He was a fucking expert at fucking up.
And she already knew about all his baggage, and somehow loved him anyways. He still hadn't figured out how the hell that happened, but he'd take it.
"There'll always be a place for Jas at my house, as there's more than enough space. But, it might be a big change to move her from Marnie's after she's been through so much. So maybe it's best to let her stay there, at least for a little bit. Jas will be right next door. She can visit every single day. She can sleep over whenever she wants, come for lunch and pet all the animals."
"Yeah...It's probably for the best."
He was still recovering. He was trying to be a less shit godparent and less shit human being.
She took his hand and squeezed it.
"I'll go tell Lewis. You can start packing right away."
"Not much to pack," Shane said.
"Come to think of it, this is where we first talked. Or at least the first time you said anything but 'go away' to me."
"Yeah, it is."
The moon was just as bright as then, too.
"I'd never forget that moment. It was when I started to really fall in love with you."
"You fell in love with me when I drunkenly confessed I was a mess to you? Look, I love you, but your taste in men is questionable at best," Shane said.
She leaned in and kissed him. "My taste in men is perfect."
"Well, I'm lucky either way," Shane said.
"You are," she said.
He held her hand tight in the moonlight.
"You really are."
And he was. Lucky that he landed in the one place where he could untangle the mess his life had become, with help from the people who wouldn't give up on him.
He'd have the memory of her sheer joy at his proposal vivid and close for a long time. How she seemed so sad in that moment that she thought he was breaking up with her, when it was the exact opposite.
And every time that sharpness inside him, that critical voice questioned how he could even dare to think someone like her would love someone like him, he'd hold onto that memory. Like a talisman.
So when those horrible thoughts again, he'd remember.
Someone loved him. Life was worth living. He'd just have to try a little harder and wait the bad thoughts out. Because as long as he was with her, there'd be good days.
She'd make sure of it.
Series: Stardew Valley
Character/pairing: Shane/farmer
Rating: PG-13
Word count: 3,455
Summary: It was noon on a rainy Saturday and Shane wondered what the hell he was doing.
Or, Shane goes looking for the fabled 'Mermaid's pendant.'
Author's note:
My brain went "I want reverse proposals." There's a mod for it, but I'm on Switch.
It was noon on a rainy Saturday and Shane wondered what the hell he was doing.
He should be watching television right now. He'd be drinking sparkling water and Joja cola, or at least try. He didn't always succeed. The more television he watched, the more he could drown out the thoughts and memories which were always there.
Drinking usually helped, too. Enough and he'd stop thinking. The doctor at Zuzu city said he was self-medicating with alcohol.
Shane just thought of it as surviving.
So, here he was. Sober on a Saturday. Jas was so damn excited. Like it was some grand theme park he'd taken her too, instead of just the same museum-slash-library that she went to every day for being tutored by Penny.
Kids were so innocent like that. The smallest things made them so happy. Like him bringing pizza back for her.
But, this was just another layer of guilt. He was a shit godfather, horrible employee and no-good addict, oh and an asshole, too. He was out of shape, after the injury kicked him out of commission and made him lose his scholarship.
He was nothing but another retail worker who hated his life. Real unique, there.
Shane took a deep breath. He didn't walk through the rain on a Saturday to go brood in a combination library and museum.
No, it couldn't just be something sold by Pierre's, Jojamart, or even a trip to Calico desert to try and haggle with the desert trader.
Pierre had smirked, and told him to go looking at the library.
That guy was such an asshole.
Jas was practically skipping as she went through the shelves.
"Ms. Penny says I'm a good reader."
Shane nodded, half listening as he scanned the titles.
There was something about a legendary fisherman, something about orcs, and more fishing...
Jas piped up. "I like this one. It has pretty pictures of flowers. Will you read it to me sometime, Shane?"
"Sure," Shane said.
The guilt came up again, like nausea. He hadn't read to her in a real long time. Longer than he could remember. Self-medicating took up all the time he wasn't working. He had to outrun the ghosts in his head somehow.
Back in the day, people used to drill in the head to let the ghosts out.
If only it was so easy to surgically remove all that from his life.
And here he was, only partly listening to her. Just like so many other times when he was far away and thinking about his next drink instead of being a good godfather to her.
Shane promised himself that he'd be a better, more sober godfather soon.
But right now, he was on a mission and he needed to find this out before the rain stopped.
Pierre had mentioned something else. Something about mermaids and rainy weather.
And now this damned quest, which was like something out of Sebastian's games was him finding out where this stupid relic was.
So he could be happy for the rest of his life with her, or make a horrible mistake.
Either or.
The hours passed, and Shane kept looking. Jas was so damn happy, sitting on one of those big plush bears with a picture book about chickens. Even when Shane wasn't doing much with her, she was just happy that he was kind of there.
Now that he'd stopped drinking (mostly, trying, getting there) he actually tucked her in instead of heading right to the saloon to drink himself into a stupor.
Finally, he came across a worn book. He couldn't make out a single word. He brought it to the front desk.
"Can you make sense of this?"
Gunther cleaned off his glasses. "Let me see here."
"Oh, it's about the Mermaid pendant."
That was the thing he was looking for. Something about mermaids and rain.
Then again, maybe it was for the best. No way he could afford a diamond, or even find one in the mines.
"You'll have to go to the shore. The far one, where the bridge got fixed, with the tide pools. You can't miss it."
"In the rain?"
Gunter laughed. "Oh, definitely. It's the only time the ghost of the old mariner will show up."
"Ghost?" Shane said skeptically.
"Yup."
"You're saying people get married via...ghosts down here?"
"Always have, always will," Gunter said.
"....Right. ....Thanks, I guess," Shane said.
Politeness wasn't his strong suit. Neither was niceness, for that matter.
He used to be okay in that respect. Before losing his two best friends, his dreams to an injury, and losing himself in a bottle.
"You ready to go home, Jas?" Shane said.
She smiled. "Actually, Vincent just came. We're gonna play hide and seek and look at the museum relics. Is that okay?"
"That's fine. I've got to...do a thing," he finished. He sounded stupid, he knew. But she smiled and didn't ask. She didn't even suspect that he was brushing her off to go get drunk.
Which he wasn't doing, for once.
*
Shane pulled the hood up on his hoodie and stared out at the sea. The rain pelted down around him. Just a normal day, looking for a ghost who sold the way to propose to his girlfriend. No big deal.
He didn't even believe in ghosts, and hadn't believed in love until about a year ago. Until he met her.
He'd avoided her, but she wouldn't give up on him, no matter what an asshole he was.
(Technically, it'd all started when he'd bought the bouquet drunk, or at least buzzed. It'd been a good deal. He'd taken it with sweating hands and shoved it in his pockets and forgotten about it after a bunch more beers.
He'd reached out into his pockets and pulled out this slightly wilted, lint-covered bouquet that he had forgotten about. He'd meant to give her some of his pizza. (Which was a whole lot less lint covered.)
For once, Drunk Shane made a good choice. Her face had completely lit up in the most beautiful smile.
He couldn't have managed to do it if he wasn't drunk. No way sober him could've ever asked her to be his girlfriend.)
He stared at the shores. Sea gulls flew in and skimmed over the waters. He wondered how he'd ever do this sober.
He hoped this thing wasn't possessed. That was the last thing he needed. He didn't believe in such things. Then again, before this, he didn't believe in ghosts, either.
He still wasn't sure he believed it. Probably some traveling salesman who told some spooky story to bring up sales.
Death was just an ending. That was the only thing he could believe, that one day the pain would end.
He couldn't dare believe in things like ghosts. Like if Renee and Ronnie weren't gone and out of pain, but hanging around and watching him be a horrible godfather to their kid.
Between the palm trees was an old fisherman. He had a long, scraggly beard and old fishing waders and slightly ripped clothes. Shane squinted at him. Was he sort of transparent, or was Shane hallucinating?
"Looks like you're ready for this," the man said.
And it didn't sound echoy or scary. It was kind of raspy, honest.
What kind of ghost asked for money? This thing had to be a scam. At least it was only 500.
His salary wasn't great, but at least he could make it since he quit, make that cut back on drinking.
He pulled out slightly crumpled cash from his pocket and got a blue shell in return.
And that was it. Proposal step one finished.
Make that step two.
If blue shells were what he needed, he could've gotten one from the beach for free. Hell, he could've taken Jas along and she would've loved it.
She loved little things, like a trip to the beach. She never got bored in this place, or felt trapped.
Kids were just innocent like that. He wished he could keep that innocence for as long as possible, but life was shit, and had a way of stomping on dreams.
At least, until he came here and met her. It was half and half now. Sometimes shit, sometimes not. And the more time he spent with her, the less horrible his life seemed.
*
He stared out at the lake. That night, so long ago, they'd drank together and he'd said way too much. And she'd still liked him after he spilled his guts and showed her just how ugly and scared and messed up he was inside.
And here he was again, about to tell her too much.
He wanted a drink so bad to steady his nerves. What would even happen if she said no? Of course she'd say no. He was a mess. What was he thinking?
Was he drunk when he came up with this bizarre scheme? (Surprisingly, for once, no.) Of course she'd say no.
His hand kept squeezing that little pendant. He should quit it. It might break, then where would he be? According to the book, that salesman (who definitely was a ghost) only came around on rainy days.
She was supposed to meet him out here, but she wasn't around. He'd give her a few minutes.
Even though he wanted to run back until he was near the hearth of the saloon and drink away these horrible feelings.
He heard the crunch of feet on the leaves and turned around.
The valley was pretty safe, as long as you stayed out of the mines and got in at night. Shane had passed out on the way back from the saloon before and found out that his entire salary for that week had been stolen by someone in the night.
"Shane? Is something the matter? Are you..."
She trailed off, and he knew exactly what she meant. Are you suicidal again?
He recognized it. The way Marnie and her would look away awkwardly, and Shane would know he fucked up again. Except his entire life was a series of steadily having everything good taken from him, until he couldn't trust anything to last.
Gridball scholarship? Gone with one injury. Jas's parents had died in a wreck. He'd had to sell almost everything he had even to get a ticket out here to work his damn retail job and do each mind numbing task after mind numbing task. All to end with a night at the saloon and passing out.
For so long he'd counted down the days until she and Jas and Marnie would be sick of his shit and leave, too.
But they kept being there.
And so did she. She was there when he was passed out--more than once. She talked him down, quite literally. If she hadn't been there, he might've taken that step.
If not then, there'd be other times.
"Nah...it's not that. The cans are Joja Cola, too, by the way."
He cleared his throat.
The depression didn't fully go away, but she'd helped him out. Life didn't feel like so much of an endless abyss.
She'd managed to leave her horrible Jojamart job, start a new life. She been kind to him even when he was an asshole, supported him even when he was a mess, and somehow liked him enough to stick around.
"Funny thing, I've been looking for something."
"Like a fruit or a leek or something? Because, I can grow them, if you want."
He looked annoyed. "No, not that."
Not a great way to start a proposal.
"None of the stores carried it. I had to go hunting in the library."
She tilted her head. Her brown ponytail shifted to the side of her shoulder. "Oh?"
"Look, I'm no good with this kind of stuff."
His hand tightened on the pendant.
"At all."
He could walk on out, pretend like he hadn't called her out here. Say he just wanted to see her and then head back home.
Or fall off the wagon again and drink himself into oblivion for daring to ever think he could be happy with her.
But, as he looked at her, for once, his desire to stay was stronger than his fear and anxiety.
Her brown hair was pulled back in a slightly messy ponytail. She looked so dang cute in bib overalls, slightly stained from work.
She'd been so kind, so supportive and always there, even when he was a complete asshole to her. She'd been so excited to be his girlfriend. And he sure was no prize.
Except, sadness came over her face. It was like a punch to the gut.
"Are you...breaking up with me?"
"What? No! Just, listen...Before I lose my nerve."
He pulled the shell out of his hoodie in almost a robotic way and opened his hand. He was very aware that his hand had sweated in the trip here and all the worrying and horrible thoughts in his mind. The pendant probably felt gross now.
"Here."
She lifted up the chain and looked the pendant over. Sheer joy came over her face, but that was so common.
Like Jas, she just found so much happiness everywhere. A high quality crop, spending time with her animals, the new flowers every season...it was like she found treasures underneath every stone here.
"You found a shell for me? It's lovely. I've never seen one like this before. Thank you! It's a very pretty necklace. It's so nice of you to think of me."
She didn't seem unhappy...but it wasn't a yes or no, either.
"So, you're going to think about it?" Shane said.
"About what? The shell? Nothing to think about. I definitely know it's pretty."
Oh, fuck, no. She wasn't from around here. Sure, her grandpa had the place. She'd probably come down here at some time, though he must've missed her.
(A funny thought, that they'd spent their lives just missing each other, until they didn't.)
But she'd been way to young to know about marriage proposals back then. And somehow, no one had told her this was how people proposed down here.
It was on the tip of his tongue to just go Never mind, forget it. Let her think it was just a pretty shell.
Except, she'd show it off. She'd wear it to town and someone in town would congratulate her on her marriage. He just knew it.
Damn if he didn't need a drink now. Self-medicate himself out of this disaster. It was pretty damn presumptuous to think his life would stop being a disaster now, when he most needed it to be.
She didn't even know what it was. He wasn't sure if that was worse than the are you kidding me? You think I would marry a mess like you? response he couldn't help but think was coming.
She tilted her head.
"Is something the matter? You seem a little...nervous."
Shane ran his fingers through his hair.
"...It's a thing around here to propose marriage with. I guess lucky for me, because there's no way I can afford a diamond ring on my Jojamart salary. Not even if I saved for years."
Shane sighed.
"A part of me thinks this whole thing is a cosmic joke and I'll wake up and be back where I was anytime soon. But I keep waking up and you're there and it isn't some dream, it's real. You're real... That's not a great proposal. Listen, I love you, okay?! Enough that I want to try. Enough that I went on this whole weird journey to find this thing. It even involved ghosts, and I don't even believe in ghosts."
He took a breath, and continued on before he lost track completely.
"You make me want to believe there's some better future out there, even if part of me has a hard time believing that anything good could ever come to me. I love you so much that it scares me, and I know that if I ever let you go, I'm going to regret it. Whatever years I have left, I want to spend them with you, if you'd have me..."
She looked so excited. All his nervous thoughts about how she'd go ew, never and step away from him like he was disgusting.
She leaned up and kissed him She was even shorter than him.
"!!!...Yes!"
He blinked in the moonlight. He almost asked her to say it again, because even though he'd heard, it made no sense.
A part of him couldn't believe someone like her would ever say yes to someone like him.
But, another part of him was far too in love with her to let go, even if that horrible critical voice in his head kept repeating just what a horrible mess and failure he was, and how this could only lead to heartbreak.
She reached out and took his hand and squeezed it. She couldn't stop smiling, and playing with that pendant with her other hand.
"I'm so happy! Oh, you really had me scared for a minute, there."
"I didn't think you'd say yes, honestly..."
"Of course I did. I love you. I've told you that many times. And I'll keep telling you that until you believe it."
It wasn't that he didn't believe her; he knew she loved him, for better or worse. It was the second-guessing that came with the horrible creeping negative internal voice that constantly went on in his mind. That constantly reminded him what an utter failure, and piece of shit he was.
It was the fact that he kept figuring she'd come to her senses. But she never did, and never had.
And hopefully never would.
Shane cleared his throat.
"Hey....What about Jas?"
Mentioning his goddaughter this soon might be a mistake, but then, Shane was good at making mistakes. He was a fucking expert at fucking up.
And she already knew about all his baggage, and somehow loved him anyways. He still hadn't figured out how the hell that happened, but he'd take it.
"There'll always be a place for Jas at my house, as there's more than enough space. But, it might be a big change to move her from Marnie's after she's been through so much. So maybe it's best to let her stay there, at least for a little bit. Jas will be right next door. She can visit every single day. She can sleep over whenever she wants, come for lunch and pet all the animals."
"Yeah...It's probably for the best."
He was still recovering. He was trying to be a less shit godparent and less shit human being.
She took his hand and squeezed it.
"I'll go tell Lewis. You can start packing right away."
"Not much to pack," Shane said.
"Come to think of it, this is where we first talked. Or at least the first time you said anything but 'go away' to me."
"Yeah, it is."
The moon was just as bright as then, too.
"I'd never forget that moment. It was when I started to really fall in love with you."
"You fell in love with me when I drunkenly confessed I was a mess to you? Look, I love you, but your taste in men is questionable at best," Shane said.
She leaned in and kissed him. "My taste in men is perfect."
"Well, I'm lucky either way," Shane said.
"You are," she said.
He held her hand tight in the moonlight.
"You really are."
And he was. Lucky that he landed in the one place where he could untangle the mess his life had become, with help from the people who wouldn't give up on him.
He'd have the memory of her sheer joy at his proposal vivid and close for a long time. How she seemed so sad in that moment that she thought he was breaking up with her, when it was the exact opposite.
And every time that sharpness inside him, that critical voice questioned how he could even dare to think someone like her would love someone like him, he'd hold onto that memory. Like a talisman.
So when those horrible thoughts again, he'd remember.
Someone loved him. Life was worth living. He'd just have to try a little harder and wait the bad thoughts out. Because as long as he was with her, there'd be good days.
She'd make sure of it.
