fic: A Worse Boyfriend
Nov. 20th, 2020 12:34 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bonnefoisTitle: A Worse Boyfriend
Series: TF2
Character/pairing: Scoutpauling, Spy/Scoutma, Soldier/Zhanna/Demo and also Heavy/Medic
Rating: PG-13
Word count: 5275
Summary: Girl talk leads to a heated discussion over whose boyfriend is the most reckless.
Author's note: The sequel to A Better Boyfriend" that nobody asked for, least of all me! I made joking snippets of this fic to my partner so many times I had to actually write it down.
I'll have you know that I genuinely resisted writing this.
For Sarah, who lol'd all through my posting her snippets of this over pinterest.
"And this is the incinerator where we burn...uh, paper waste!"
Miss Pauling gestured up at the metal incinerator. "And only paper waste. Well, some cardboard, but that's technically paper waste too."
Was that a thigh bone near the left side and ashes? Miss Pauling quickly nudge it aside with her purple flats and cleared her throat. "Anyways, this isn't very interesting, so I can continue giving you a tour. We could go to the uh..."
She racked her mind for a place. She couldn't take Scout's mother to the gun room, or the nuclear reactor, or the torture room, or the mess hall or...anywhere, basically. Especially not anywhere near any of the mercenaries. They'd either be emphatically not ready for company (see: dragging bodies, covered in blood) or just plain naked.
And with her luck, they'd either blab out every single secret, or would flirt with Scout's mother. And when Spy found out (and he would, oh he would) there would be a civil war.
Not that there were many straight men around here but at least some of them were bi, and pretty charming when drunk, too.
Scout's mother adjusted her red scarf, chicly tied about her head in a 50's style, and lifted up her sunglasses. "This place is sure good place for disposin' of bodies," Scout's mother said.
Miss Pauling took a sharp intake of breath. "W-what? That wouldn't be..." she cleared her throat. "No bodies here. N-None at all. There's less bodies here than...a funeral home."
Dammit, that was such an awful line. But her mind was blank. If Scout was here, he'd probably manage to get her out of this. But suddenly, when faced with the woman who could be her future mother-in-law, all of Miss Pauling's clever alibis on how she totally hadn't turned the desert into a mass grave went right out the window.
"What? I wasn't born yesterday. I come from Southie," Scout's mother said. "I know a body disposin' place when I see one. And this is prime body disposin'. ...Is that a thigh bone?"
And how was Miss Pauling supposed to argue with that? Almost every nook and cranny of this entire base counted as a "body disposing place."
Miss Pauling kicked the bone underneath the incinerator. "It's a...deer bone."
"Wouldn't think there's lot of deer in this place," Scout's mother said.
"With Saxton Hale around, you never know what kinds of animals are going to be around," Miss Pauling said. "He imports them. For punching reasons."
Wait, she probably wasn't supposed to say that either. Oh well, Saxton Hale would certainly belt it out, right after he rode in on a bear he was punching. Then he would probably hit on Scout's mother, bringing about civil war again.
Just the chaotic mess of thoughts made her feel profoundly tired.
"--I think a drink is in order," Miss Pauling said.
"Wine or a martini?" Scout's mother said.
"It's noon," she said.
"You're right; there's only so many drinking hours left in the day."
Actually, she thought, she just might get along with Scout's mother after all.
*
What had she been thinking?
Okay, she hadn't been thinking. Scout had given her that look, the one that made her feel like she'd kicked a puppy, and she'd relented and reassured herself that she surely could find some non-murdery place in the base so she could meet his mother finally. And she could throw in some lies, and then she would meet him up back in town. And she'd somehow manage all of this while not having the day off, and not bringing down the Administrator's wrath on her.
Which come to think of it, explained pretty much their relationship in its entirety. The not thinking part. The part where he smiled and she forgot that they were about to drive over a cliff marked certain death: because the Administrator is totally going to kill us because she was too busy kissing him.
Really, this was not how she wanted the meeting the parents to go. But, with no time off of work, they had to compromise. Which also explained most of their dates.
Not that she'd had a ton of plans. They were vague, pumpkin spice scented daydreams where she had more than a minute of free time. Which for her, might as well have been up there with a pet dragon named Sparticus.
Except that she already knew Spy, so it wasn't so much meeting him as wondering when he would give her that shotgun talk she knew was coming.
Not the marry my boy, or I'll kill you but the stab my boy in the back, and I kill you.
(Pretty rich coming from a man who backstabbed for a living. Miss Pauling constantly had shower arguments where she told off Spy for ever distrusting her, when he was the least trustworthy guy around. Scout had gone and stolen a briefcase and she'd made excuses to not even kill him.)
She ushered Scout's mother into the break room, which usually only her and Bidwell used. Well, and the assorted other staff, but they usually ended up dead sooner or later, and they were short-staffed at the point.
(Though there was a chance that Bidwell and Saxton Hale would break in through the window, probably riding lions. That was a chance she was just going to have to take, because this was the least incriminating place she could find.)
The linoleum was classic black and white, the table was a cheap fold down that didn't even usually survive Saxton Hale's beer trips. Scout's mother looked almost comically out of place there.
"Right, you wanted a drink," Miss Pauling said.
She heated up the water on the small stove, and put in two tea bags. Scout's mother pulled out a flask from her elegant bag and poured a very large amount of some alcoholic substance in each cup. Then, for good measure, she took a swig.
"You seen Scout about here yet?" Scout's mother said.
Miss Pauling visibly relaxed at the reminder of who she was doing all this for.
"Oh, you know how Scout is. Always running around, doing reckless things, jumping around, yelling 'Bonk!' that sort of thing."
Scout's mother smiled. "Oh, I know all too well. He's been doin' that kinda crap for over twenty years."
Miss Pauling smiled fondly at the thought of him, doing what he did best: yelling he was great at the scream, and asking if Miss Pauling had seen him make that killer shot.
"Really, he's the most reckless person around," Miss Pauling said.
As Miss Pauling sipped the (definitely spiked) tea, the door slammed to the ground, kicked in from the other side. Miss Pauling clutched tight to her tea cup, expecting an angry naked Soldier to rush in--the last thing she wanted to introduce to Scout's mother.
But, no. It was Zhanna. She was clothed, at least. Was that an American flag print dress? Well, she wasn't going to ask about her fashion choices. Though if Soldier saw her in that, that dress would be on the floor. Which would be unpatriotic, come to think about it.
At this rate, she'd stopped asking why, because she already knew the answer would be: Soldier.
(Though now, sometimes it was also Demoman.)
It wasn't enough that Soldier had to go get himself a Russian girlfriend, who happened to Heavy's hidden away sister that even Miss Pauling hadn't known about. Now they had both ended up dating Demoman, which meant there were twice as much blown up, twice as much chaos, and twice as much property damage Miss Pauling had to explain away. And if she didn't have Scout to help her hide the bodies, she really didn't know how she'd manage to hide her work bodies and the throuple of explosions and chaos related bodies.
"Oh great," Miss Pauling said under her breath.
"Most reckless, you say?"
Zhanna smirked, like she'd already won.
Miss Pauling rolled her eyes. "This isn't a contest, Zhanna. I was making a simple observation."
"But he would win if it were," Zhanna said.
"Did she just break down that door?" Scout's Mother said, with surprising calm. "I bet you all go through a lot of doors."
"Oh, you have no idea," Miss Pauling said.
"Indeed," Medic said. "More tea?"
Miss Pauling looked back, and frowned. One more person sat at the back now. He even had a tea cup of his own.
"When did you get here?" Miss Pauling said.
"The words 'free tea spiked with alcohol' summon me. Well, it's one of the things that summon me. A summoning circle works. So do the words 'Free books' and 'free body--"
Miss Pauling quickly cut him off. "We get it, you like free stuff."
"That is Demoman's line, and Soldier's as well," Zhanna said.
"Demoman doesn't own alcoholism," Miss Pauling said tiredly.
"Ain't that the truth," Scout's mother said. "More wine?"
"Ja! Please!"
They filled up a cup of 'tea' which was about 75% alcohol.
"I don't have much say in this. Now, if it was a contest of alcoholism and emotional unavailability, my man win all the awards," Scout's mother said mildly.
"Alcoholism and unavailability you say?"
"Oh, here we go again..."
"Because I have a husband who certainly has won awards for that," Zhanna said. "His entire wall is full of trophies about that. In his castle over in Scotland. Which Jane has decided is now a part of America, due to our marriage."
"Of course he did," Miss Pauling said.
Miss Pauling gave Zhanna an annoyed glance. "Not that this is a contest, but if it were, you would have to be excluded because you went and got yourself not one, but two men. Which, is fine since you're happy, though I wish you would stop blowing up the entire country, and making it so I never get to go out on dates because I'm always cleaning up after all of your messes," Miss Pauling said between gritted teeth.
Zhanna narrowed her eyes. "My husbands don't count you say?"
"I never said that. I'm just saying that maybe I would have a husband too if I could get past more than one date a year! At this rate I'm going to be fifty before I get married."
Zhanna crossed her arms. "You are American. You should know about Vegas marriage. It is how we all married. Jane says being married by Elvis is very important American custom."
"Yes, that requires free time, which I don't have. I can't just rocket jump off to Vegas," she said.
"Can't you? What a shame. For the trip is a pure thrill," Zhanna said.
Miss Pauling caught her breath. "Anyways, this isn't a fight. Because the way you're putting it, it'd be a race to the bottom. A fight for who has the worse man."
"It kind of is, though I'm not a part of this," Scout's mother said.
"How amusing, you're all fighting over the crumbs, because I have the best one," Medic said with glee in his voice.
Scout's mother gave him an approving look. "Got yourself a winner, huh?"
"Oh, the best. He could fight a bear and win easily. Make that two bears, while carrying a train," Medic said. His voice was full of pride.
"Good qualities to have when you live in Alaska, I suppose," Scout's mother said. "And you said that you have a dove, named Archimedes?"
"Yes! He is the best, you can see Mikhail here with him."
Scout's mother. patted Medic on the knee, in a motherly fashion.
"How sweet. Don't worry, I've got plenty of boys. And not all of them like girls. The Pope and I don't get on about all that hatin'."
"Oh, I wasn't worried. If you were hateful, I would've just wiped your memories. Easy," Medic said.
"No you wouldn't," Miss Pauling cut in.
"Convenient way to deal with issues. I wouldn't mind doin' that to some of my more troublesome neighbors," Scout's mother said.
"Anytime, I would be happy to help. All I must ask is how much do you dislike these neighbors? Do you want to see them again?"
"Not too much, I suppose," she said. "They keep stealin' my newspaper. And my milk I get delivered special."
Medic clicked his tongue. "Ah, what monsters. I can take care of that."
Miss Pauling was just about to cut in and tell Medic no again, when Zhanna cleared her throat.
"I think you're forgetting something."
"I was hoping you had. No luck," Miss Pauling said.
"Remember the time ripped off his clothes, slathered himself in honey and fought bears? That's right, you can't even narrow it down to a single time, because the last time he did it was Thursday! Jane and Tavish are certainly the most reckless around." Zhanna said.
"Well, I will say, that I don't know your man...ahem, men--"
"It's better that you don't," Miss Pauling said.
"--but I know Scout. And there's no way he's losing this battle.You see--When Scout was kid, he jumped off from the roof trying to fly and broke his arm."
"Classic Scout," Miss Pauling said.
"That's not the end of it. He did it again as soon as his arm healed. He didn't learn a damn thing. I don't know how I'm not all gray at this rate."
"Both Jane and Tavish jump off buildings every day. Sometimes, not even sober. They jump off with rockets to their feet. They leave explosions in their wake."
"Scout does it with no rockets," Miss Pauling said.
"Still?" Scout's mother cut in. "Damn boy wants to give me more wrinkles."
"Well--he's a lot better at landing than he used to be," Miss Pauling said quickly.
Scout was to the door, he reached out to knock, and stared wide eyed at the door. He had two slightly wilted gas station bouquets in his arms. His grin faded to sheer confusion as he took in the scene before him.
"Hey--why's the door like that...Did the Kool-aid guy attack us again?"
Scout looked from Miss Pauling to Zhanna. He visibly grimaced at the sight of her and drew slightly back on his heels. "Uh....hey, Zhanna...."
"Yeah.... This isn't awkward at all," Scout said under his breath.
Zhanna barely gave him a second glance.
Scout left the bouquets on the table. Miss Pauling mouthed a thank you.
"But does he leave it looking like fireworks?" Zhanna said.
Miss Pauling puffed out her cheeks. It was stupid to let Zhanna get her like this. But damn if she'd let her win.
"He doesn't need to."
"So, babe, like is this a fight or somethin'? Cause it kind of looks like a fight," Scout said.
"We're not having a fight. Zhanna just came here, and decided to break down the door while your mother and I were having a tea party." Miss Pauling shot Zhanna a cold look.
"Kay...that sounds about like what Soldier would do, so I'm not surprised. So...what's Medic doin' here?"
Medic chuckled. "There was free tea and alcohol. I'm no dummkopf. I know where the party is."
"Sounds like fun," Scout said.
"You just don't want to admit that you're losing," Zhanna cut in.
"Still soundin' like a fight," Scout said.
"It is," Zhanna said.
Miss Pauling downed her drink in one gulp. It'd gotten lukewarm. And it tasted like Scout's mother had vodka in that flask. She shuddered at the sudden burning sensation down her throat.
She gave Zhanna the kind of look that was the last thing staff at Mann co. saw before they ended up in a shallow grave.
She lifted up one finger. (Though not, as Scout put it, his favorite, and most versatile finger. It was an index finger, really.)
"This isn't even a contest. Scout stole a briefcase. Do you have any idea how reckless that is? What he could've had done to him--and he did it all to get my attention, and that is completely unbeatable. This isn't even a contest. Scout is the most reckless person I have ever met in my life, and I work with some of the most reckless people alive."
Zhanna narrowed her eyes. "My Jane teleported bread. He teleported bread nonstop for three days. For no apparent reason at all. Just because he could."
Miss Pauling flinched at that. Every time she turned around, Soldier had done something worse. "Dammit That's not..."
Zhanna continued on as if she didn't speak. "He made a toilet in the kitchen, just because he could. Back with his old roommate, the wizard."
Miss Pauling gritted her teeth. "That's....that's not--"
Scout grimaced. "Oh, fuck, he did that again? I fuckin' hate when he makes a toilet in the kitchen sink. Just use the friggin' bathroom like the rest of us!"
"He befriends raccoons! We have 30 of them where we live. Give up, Miss Pauling! You can't fight Raccoons."
"Actually, it's pretty easy. You can just get a live trap, put some food in there," Scout said.
"And Tavish? He fights wizards and ghosts for sport. Between them, there are no more reckless men in the entire world. And they are both my husbands, and Jane is Tavish's husband."
Miss Pauling slammed her hand on the table, hard enough that the tea cups shuddered. "Fuck!"
She glanced quickly to Scout's mother. "I mean, fudge," she said more quietly.
"Don't worry about it. I've had to go to confession and admit plenty of times I called my sons "little fuckers." She glanced down at her cup. "There's another one I'll have to say some hail Mary's for. Ah, she's a mother. She'd understand."
"Scout, he..." She quickly searched for something. But all she could remember was her chatty, surprisingly sweet (for a murderer) boyfriend and how he brought her faintly radioactive flowers and sweets and taught her facts about baseball and comics and ensured she never felt lonely for a moment.
Sure, he was reckless. But the kind of reckless that stole a briefcase and risked death again and again just to see her. The kind of reckless that made him keep waiting for her when there were tons of other women out there who had more than one day off a year. Just because he adored her that much.
"...Dammit!"
"Then you accept defeat?!"
Miss Pauling glared at her. "Never."
"Why do you continue on? I could've had him, if I wanted him," Zhanna said.
Miss Pauling let out a groan. "Oh, not this again... I get it, you flirted with him. But you never could've had him because he wanted me, and that is the most reckless damn thing any man has ever done. Maybe you're too busy randomly blowing up the country side with your husbands to ensure that I never get a second of free time, but I kill people, and I'm damn good at it, and Scout loves me anyways!"
"Damn right I do!"
Dammit! This was not the best thing to say in front of Scout's mother. Except she had barely taken notice, as she was drinking more tea.
Zhanna said one word, one word which changed it all. "Bears."
"Oh god, did you go and tame bears? That's so..."
"Reckless, yes," Zhanna said.
Miss Pauling's shoulders drooped at that. "It always has to be the bears."
Scout patted her on the shoulder. "I think you gotta admit defeat on this one. You just can't bear bears."
Medic sipped tea from the side, and chuckled. "How amusing the way this turned out!"
"Don't tell me you're going to jump into this battle now," Miss Pauling said.
"Oh, far be from it. I already hold the crown of the best boyfriend. I'm simply watching you all have some kind of fascinating race to the bottom. I suppose I can't blame you. I snatched up the best man in the world and the rest of you have to go for the title of worst."
Scout scrunched up his nose.
"Rude," Scout said.
"But it is the truth, ja?" Medic said.
But when it came to it, wasn't Medic completely right? Words she didn't often say.
"Well..." Miss Pauling said. She cleared her throat. An awkward silence fell.
But Scout's mother thankfully changed the subject.
Scout's mother gave her son a knowing look. "So you went and dated a killer, hmm?"
Scout broke into a coughing fit. "W-What? I mean, she's a killer looker, yeah! Super good lookin'!"
"I heard what you said."
"Dammit, I was hoping Medic's pictures of Archimedes and Heavy in matching caps were distracting enough!"
"I wasn't born yesterday. I know no 'delivery boy' is gettin' that many dollars a month. Besides, I got myself a killer already, remember?"
Right, she had a thing going on with Spy.
"You hired a hitman, ma? You could've just called me! I would've done it for free!"
"Got no need for a hitman," she said.
"But you said you got yourself a killer," Scout said.
"Why are you even starting this?"
"You have forgotten our first meeting already?"
"When I said I didn't trust you?" Miss Pauling rolled her eyes. "Newsflash, I don't trust anyone! It's a part of the job!"
Scout looked like a kicked puppy. "You don't trust me?"
"You're the exception, Scout. You're always the exception."
Scout's smile returned at that.
"Besides, you don't want state secrets or nuclear codes, you just want to get into my--actually, I probably shouldn't say that in front of your mother."
"I didn't get all these children out of a cabbage patch. I know a thing or two about men. Some men, anyways."
From the corner, a cough came.
"I was wonderin' when you'd show up," Scout's mother said.
"Spy too? Fuck, why not have the whole damn team in here!"
"That's tempting fate," Miss Pauling said.
"Jeez, I was hopin' he'd went and fucked off," Scout said.
After a moment, Scout figured it out. "Wait, ma you know Spy?"
"It's a long story," Scout's Mother said.
Scout frowned at the corner. Except it was the wrong corner. She now could see him near the fridge.
"Spy, you better not get any ideas about makin' eyes at my ma. She ain't somebody to just play around with you know," Scout said.
"Oh, honey," Scout's Mother said.
"Bit late for that one," Miss Pauling said under her breath.
"Spy, don't tell me you're jealous over here? The only person less Medic's type than Scout's mother is me. And every other woman in the world," Miss Pauling said.
"I said no such thing," Spy said sharply.
Zhanna cleared her throat. "This isn't over."
"Honestly, Zhanna, couldn't this wait until later. I'm trying to have tea with my boyfriend's mother here. It's the first time we've officially met. I wanted to preferably not have the door randomly kicked in."
Zhanna looked from Scout to Scout's mother. "You are a liar. No way that woman that young could have a son Scout's age."
Scout's mother laughed. "I'm flattered, but you should see me in a two-piece. One look at my stomach and you wouldn't doubt that I had eight children."
"How fascinating--"
"No, Medic," Miss Pauling said.
"Just one little drop--"
"No, Medic," she said.
"Are you done?" Miss Pauling said.
"Drinking alcohol? Probably not. Collecting birds? Never. With this conversation? Hardly, it just got interesting."
"The battle has already been won; it can wait for another day. I will surely still not like you then," Zhanna said.
"The feeling's mutual, trust me," Miss Pauling said tiredly.
When Zhanna left, an awkward silence settled over the room.
"More tea?" Medic said.
"I think we all could use some more of that," Scout's mother said.
"I really wanted this to go well. I'm sorry. I should've known..."
Scout's mother reached over the table and patted her on the hand. "If there's anything that I've learned over the years with havin' so many kids, it's nothin' ever goes as planned, and to expect chaos at any moment. Though the door bein' kicked in was a new one."
"Tell me about it," Miss Pauling said.
Scout's mother lifted her eyebrows at that. "Oh, somethin' you ain't tellin' me?"
Scout gave her an eager, yet alarmed look. "Uh, babe?!"
"No, not like that. At least, I don't think so. What I mean is with so many rowdy men, sometimes it feels like I got stuck with the job of babysitter," Miss Pauling said.
Scout chuckled. "That's so great. Except, wait, I'm not part of that right? I mean I've been great!"
"Well...you did steal a briefcase," Miss Pauling said.
Scout glanced to his mother.
"You what?"
Apparently she'd been too invested in the tea to catch the first time she'd said it.
"You already almost died in a robbery. Don't tell me you're goin' around stealin' things! Sweetheart, you can buy your own briefcases!"
"He more...Borrowed it," Miss Pauling said. "It was returned soon enough."
"I just wanted to see her again," Scout said. "So maybe I just borrowed somethin' which meant she'd come on down to get back. I didn't even look on in it."
"Well, borrowin' ain't too bad, as long as it got back to its rightful owner," Scout's mother said.
"It was a little bad," Miss Pauling said.
Scout rubbed at his chin thoughtfully. "Y'know, on second thought, I guess I could be down with that. The babysitter thing sounds hot," Scout said.
"That's something you really didn't need to share with your mother," Miss Pauling said.
"Trust me, that ain't the first time that's been said, and it ain't gonna be the last," Scout said.
"Ain't that the truth," Scout's mother said.
She stood up, a little tipsily, and leaned in to pat Scout on the head.
"Well, this has certainly been enlightenin'," Scout's mother said.
"Maybe a little too enlightening," Miss Pauling said.
"It was nice to meet you, Miss Pauling."
"Sorry about all that," Miss Pauling said. Miss Pauling gestured to the door, the chaos, the everything.
"Next time will be better. Though I wouldn't expect the next time to come anywhere in the next decade. I'm pretty busy."
"Oh, don't be silly. You haven't seen anythin' until you've seen the kind of chaos that happens in a Dempsey Thanksgivin'. Speakin' of which you're invited."
"Oh, I'll have work but...some day," Miss Pauling said.
"Some day," Scout's mother echoed.
"Weren't we supposed to go to town?"
"I have to fix a door now."
And it looked like Scout's mother already had a date anyways.
*
Once the chaos had all settled, Miss Pauling poured herself some 'tea' which was just the last leavings of the tea, and wine poured to the brim.
"We could get a hotel," Scout said.
"For what? Are you talking about a special away day? Because...I don't think we have time."
"Demoman said bein' a loser means someone fucks in your bed."
"He was joking, right?"
"It was Demo, so who the fuck knows?"
"Ugh, I am not going to be happy if I find out my bed is all messed up. I don't want to sacrifice my one hour of sleep a day to wash my sheets. You already have me washing my sheets enough."
Scout chuckled at that. "I sure do."
Miss Pauling sighed. "This wasn't how I wanted meeting your mother to turn out like. I didn't expect Zhanna to break down the door and start aggressively doing--whatever the hell that was."
"A pissin' contest about who had the best boyfriend?"
"No, that was already sorted out and it was Medic who won. It was more the wor..."
She cleared her throat. "Most reckless boyfriend. Definitely most reckless."
Scout shrugged it off. "Eh, Soldier just probably wanted to win after Medic beat us all by landin' Heavy. Zhanna's always on team Soldier, so it makes sense she'd pull a Soldier and randomly beat down your door. Really shitty timin', though."
"You're surprisingly calm about all this. You got beat again, and you hate losing," she said.
Scout held out his arms, and pulled her close. After the chaos of the day, it was a real relief to be this close to him.
"I won you over, though. So everythin' else is kinda just...small fries compared to that, you know. So what if Zhanna thinks she won today? I get to see you every single day. I get to help you bury bodies, and sneak lunch in between buryin' bodies, and takin' out rugs which probably have bodies in 'em. You know, work stuff. And one day, you'll have enough time to actually do stuff like go out for lunch with me."
She smiled. "Less 'won me over' and more 'I finally had enough time to realize you had feelings for me and I had feelings for you. When you have so little time, realizing these things can be complicated," she said.
Scout's gray eyes were filled with glee at that. He grinned, buck-toothed, and full of joy. "So, you're sayin' I'd already won you over before the whole thing with the bread?"
"Yeah, actually."
"Holy shit, I won you over!"
She smiled. "You know, even if we're technically a two time loser in these contests, I feel like a winner," she said.
"Don't worry, babe! Cutest couple contest is comin' up on Valentine's day, and we will crush that shit. It's gonna be the biggest landslide victory in all of history. We will go down in friggin' history."
"A cutest couple contest? Hmm, but I'm sure other people will enter..."
Scout laughed. "What the fuck are they gonna do? Heavy is like, the size of a friggin' bear! He makes children cry at the sight of him! Soldier can't go a single day without breakin' someone's arms. They're gonna get last place when the judge looks at all five foot of you, snuggled up next to me, the luckiest guy int he world."
"And all five-eleven of you," she said.
"Exactly! We just fit."
"That sounds like fun."
"And we'll get our revenge... If they don't blow up the entirety of Teufort before then."
She let out a sigh. "If they don't blow up the entirety of Teufort before then."
"But if they do, I'll help you kick their ass. Because that's what love is all about."
Scout smiled, and at the sight of that smile, she felt like she'd already won that contest, and every possible contest around.
*
Series: TF2
Character/pairing: Scoutpauling, Spy/Scoutma, Soldier/Zhanna/Demo and also Heavy/Medic
Rating: PG-13
Word count: 5275
Summary: Girl talk leads to a heated discussion over whose boyfriend is the most reckless.
Author's note: The sequel to A Better Boyfriend" that nobody asked for, least of all me! I made joking snippets of this fic to my partner so many times I had to actually write it down.
I'll have you know that I genuinely resisted writing this.
For Sarah, who lol'd all through my posting her snippets of this over pinterest.
"And this is the incinerator where we burn...uh, paper waste!"
Miss Pauling gestured up at the metal incinerator. "And only paper waste. Well, some cardboard, but that's technically paper waste too."
Was that a thigh bone near the left side and ashes? Miss Pauling quickly nudge it aside with her purple flats and cleared her throat. "Anyways, this isn't very interesting, so I can continue giving you a tour. We could go to the uh..."
She racked her mind for a place. She couldn't take Scout's mother to the gun room, or the nuclear reactor, or the torture room, or the mess hall or...anywhere, basically. Especially not anywhere near any of the mercenaries. They'd either be emphatically not ready for company (see: dragging bodies, covered in blood) or just plain naked.
And with her luck, they'd either blab out every single secret, or would flirt with Scout's mother. And when Spy found out (and he would, oh he would) there would be a civil war.
Not that there were many straight men around here but at least some of them were bi, and pretty charming when drunk, too.
Scout's mother adjusted her red scarf, chicly tied about her head in a 50's style, and lifted up her sunglasses. "This place is sure good place for disposin' of bodies," Scout's mother said.
Miss Pauling took a sharp intake of breath. "W-what? That wouldn't be..." she cleared her throat. "No bodies here. N-None at all. There's less bodies here than...a funeral home."
Dammit, that was such an awful line. But her mind was blank. If Scout was here, he'd probably manage to get her out of this. But suddenly, when faced with the woman who could be her future mother-in-law, all of Miss Pauling's clever alibis on how she totally hadn't turned the desert into a mass grave went right out the window.
"What? I wasn't born yesterday. I come from Southie," Scout's mother said. "I know a body disposin' place when I see one. And this is prime body disposin'. ...Is that a thigh bone?"
And how was Miss Pauling supposed to argue with that? Almost every nook and cranny of this entire base counted as a "body disposing place."
Miss Pauling kicked the bone underneath the incinerator. "It's a...deer bone."
"Wouldn't think there's lot of deer in this place," Scout's mother said.
"With Saxton Hale around, you never know what kinds of animals are going to be around," Miss Pauling said. "He imports them. For punching reasons."
Wait, she probably wasn't supposed to say that either. Oh well, Saxton Hale would certainly belt it out, right after he rode in on a bear he was punching. Then he would probably hit on Scout's mother, bringing about civil war again.
Just the chaotic mess of thoughts made her feel profoundly tired.
"--I think a drink is in order," Miss Pauling said.
"Wine or a martini?" Scout's mother said.
"It's noon," she said.
"You're right; there's only so many drinking hours left in the day."
Actually, she thought, she just might get along with Scout's mother after all.
*
What had she been thinking?
Okay, she hadn't been thinking. Scout had given her that look, the one that made her feel like she'd kicked a puppy, and she'd relented and reassured herself that she surely could find some non-murdery place in the base so she could meet his mother finally. And she could throw in some lies, and then she would meet him up back in town. And she'd somehow manage all of this while not having the day off, and not bringing down the Administrator's wrath on her.
Which come to think of it, explained pretty much their relationship in its entirety. The not thinking part. The part where he smiled and she forgot that they were about to drive over a cliff marked certain death: because the Administrator is totally going to kill us because she was too busy kissing him.
Really, this was not how she wanted the meeting the parents to go. But, with no time off of work, they had to compromise. Which also explained most of their dates.
Not that she'd had a ton of plans. They were vague, pumpkin spice scented daydreams where she had more than a minute of free time. Which for her, might as well have been up there with a pet dragon named Sparticus.
Except that she already knew Spy, so it wasn't so much meeting him as wondering when he would give her that shotgun talk she knew was coming.
Not the marry my boy, or I'll kill you but the stab my boy in the back, and I kill you.
(Pretty rich coming from a man who backstabbed for a living. Miss Pauling constantly had shower arguments where she told off Spy for ever distrusting her, when he was the least trustworthy guy around. Scout had gone and stolen a briefcase and she'd made excuses to not even kill him.)
She ushered Scout's mother into the break room, which usually only her and Bidwell used. Well, and the assorted other staff, but they usually ended up dead sooner or later, and they were short-staffed at the point.
(Though there was a chance that Bidwell and Saxton Hale would break in through the window, probably riding lions. That was a chance she was just going to have to take, because this was the least incriminating place she could find.)
The linoleum was classic black and white, the table was a cheap fold down that didn't even usually survive Saxton Hale's beer trips. Scout's mother looked almost comically out of place there.
"Right, you wanted a drink," Miss Pauling said.
She heated up the water on the small stove, and put in two tea bags. Scout's mother pulled out a flask from her elegant bag and poured a very large amount of some alcoholic substance in each cup. Then, for good measure, she took a swig.
"You seen Scout about here yet?" Scout's mother said.
Miss Pauling visibly relaxed at the reminder of who she was doing all this for.
"Oh, you know how Scout is. Always running around, doing reckless things, jumping around, yelling 'Bonk!' that sort of thing."
Scout's mother smiled. "Oh, I know all too well. He's been doin' that kinda crap for over twenty years."
Miss Pauling smiled fondly at the thought of him, doing what he did best: yelling he was great at the scream, and asking if Miss Pauling had seen him make that killer shot.
"Really, he's the most reckless person around," Miss Pauling said.
As Miss Pauling sipped the (definitely spiked) tea, the door slammed to the ground, kicked in from the other side. Miss Pauling clutched tight to her tea cup, expecting an angry naked Soldier to rush in--the last thing she wanted to introduce to Scout's mother.
But, no. It was Zhanna. She was clothed, at least. Was that an American flag print dress? Well, she wasn't going to ask about her fashion choices. Though if Soldier saw her in that, that dress would be on the floor. Which would be unpatriotic, come to think about it.
At this rate, she'd stopped asking why, because she already knew the answer would be: Soldier.
(Though now, sometimes it was also Demoman.)
It wasn't enough that Soldier had to go get himself a Russian girlfriend, who happened to Heavy's hidden away sister that even Miss Pauling hadn't known about. Now they had both ended up dating Demoman, which meant there were twice as much blown up, twice as much chaos, and twice as much property damage Miss Pauling had to explain away. And if she didn't have Scout to help her hide the bodies, she really didn't know how she'd manage to hide her work bodies and the throuple of explosions and chaos related bodies.
"Oh great," Miss Pauling said under her breath.
"Most reckless, you say?"
Zhanna smirked, like she'd already won.
Miss Pauling rolled her eyes. "This isn't a contest, Zhanna. I was making a simple observation."
"But he would win if it were," Zhanna said.
"Did she just break down that door?" Scout's Mother said, with surprising calm. "I bet you all go through a lot of doors."
"Oh, you have no idea," Miss Pauling said.
"Indeed," Medic said. "More tea?"
Miss Pauling looked back, and frowned. One more person sat at the back now. He even had a tea cup of his own.
"When did you get here?" Miss Pauling said.
"The words 'free tea spiked with alcohol' summon me. Well, it's one of the things that summon me. A summoning circle works. So do the words 'Free books' and 'free body--"
Miss Pauling quickly cut him off. "We get it, you like free stuff."
"That is Demoman's line, and Soldier's as well," Zhanna said.
"Demoman doesn't own alcoholism," Miss Pauling said tiredly.
"Ain't that the truth," Scout's mother said. "More wine?"
"Ja! Please!"
They filled up a cup of 'tea' which was about 75% alcohol.
"I don't have much say in this. Now, if it was a contest of alcoholism and emotional unavailability, my man win all the awards," Scout's mother said mildly.
"Alcoholism and unavailability you say?"
"Oh, here we go again..."
"Because I have a husband who certainly has won awards for that," Zhanna said. "His entire wall is full of trophies about that. In his castle over in Scotland. Which Jane has decided is now a part of America, due to our marriage."
"Of course he did," Miss Pauling said.
Miss Pauling gave Zhanna an annoyed glance. "Not that this is a contest, but if it were, you would have to be excluded because you went and got yourself not one, but two men. Which, is fine since you're happy, though I wish you would stop blowing up the entire country, and making it so I never get to go out on dates because I'm always cleaning up after all of your messes," Miss Pauling said between gritted teeth.
Zhanna narrowed her eyes. "My husbands don't count you say?"
"I never said that. I'm just saying that maybe I would have a husband too if I could get past more than one date a year! At this rate I'm going to be fifty before I get married."
Zhanna crossed her arms. "You are American. You should know about Vegas marriage. It is how we all married. Jane says being married by Elvis is very important American custom."
"Yes, that requires free time, which I don't have. I can't just rocket jump off to Vegas," she said.
"Can't you? What a shame. For the trip is a pure thrill," Zhanna said.
Miss Pauling caught her breath. "Anyways, this isn't a fight. Because the way you're putting it, it'd be a race to the bottom. A fight for who has the worse man."
"It kind of is, though I'm not a part of this," Scout's mother said.
"How amusing, you're all fighting over the crumbs, because I have the best one," Medic said with glee in his voice.
Scout's mother gave him an approving look. "Got yourself a winner, huh?"
"Oh, the best. He could fight a bear and win easily. Make that two bears, while carrying a train," Medic said. His voice was full of pride.
"Good qualities to have when you live in Alaska, I suppose," Scout's mother said. "And you said that you have a dove, named Archimedes?"
"Yes! He is the best, you can see Mikhail here with him."
Scout's mother. patted Medic on the knee, in a motherly fashion.
"How sweet. Don't worry, I've got plenty of boys. And not all of them like girls. The Pope and I don't get on about all that hatin'."
"Oh, I wasn't worried. If you were hateful, I would've just wiped your memories. Easy," Medic said.
"No you wouldn't," Miss Pauling cut in.
"Convenient way to deal with issues. I wouldn't mind doin' that to some of my more troublesome neighbors," Scout's mother said.
"Anytime, I would be happy to help. All I must ask is how much do you dislike these neighbors? Do you want to see them again?"
"Not too much, I suppose," she said. "They keep stealin' my newspaper. And my milk I get delivered special."
Medic clicked his tongue. "Ah, what monsters. I can take care of that."
Miss Pauling was just about to cut in and tell Medic no again, when Zhanna cleared her throat.
"I think you're forgetting something."
"I was hoping you had. No luck," Miss Pauling said.
"Remember the time ripped off his clothes, slathered himself in honey and fought bears? That's right, you can't even narrow it down to a single time, because the last time he did it was Thursday! Jane and Tavish are certainly the most reckless around." Zhanna said.
"Well, I will say, that I don't know your man...ahem, men--"
"It's better that you don't," Miss Pauling said.
"--but I know Scout. And there's no way he's losing this battle.You see--When Scout was kid, he jumped off from the roof trying to fly and broke his arm."
"Classic Scout," Miss Pauling said.
"That's not the end of it. He did it again as soon as his arm healed. He didn't learn a damn thing. I don't know how I'm not all gray at this rate."
"Both Jane and Tavish jump off buildings every day. Sometimes, not even sober. They jump off with rockets to their feet. They leave explosions in their wake."
"Scout does it with no rockets," Miss Pauling said.
"Still?" Scout's mother cut in. "Damn boy wants to give me more wrinkles."
"Well--he's a lot better at landing than he used to be," Miss Pauling said quickly.
Scout was to the door, he reached out to knock, and stared wide eyed at the door. He had two slightly wilted gas station bouquets in his arms. His grin faded to sheer confusion as he took in the scene before him.
"Hey--why's the door like that...Did the Kool-aid guy attack us again?"
Scout looked from Miss Pauling to Zhanna. He visibly grimaced at the sight of her and drew slightly back on his heels. "Uh....hey, Zhanna...."
"Yeah.... This isn't awkward at all," Scout said under his breath.
Zhanna barely gave him a second glance.
Scout left the bouquets on the table. Miss Pauling mouthed a thank you.
"But does he leave it looking like fireworks?" Zhanna said.
Miss Pauling puffed out her cheeks. It was stupid to let Zhanna get her like this. But damn if she'd let her win.
"He doesn't need to."
"So, babe, like is this a fight or somethin'? Cause it kind of looks like a fight," Scout said.
"We're not having a fight. Zhanna just came here, and decided to break down the door while your mother and I were having a tea party." Miss Pauling shot Zhanna a cold look.
"Kay...that sounds about like what Soldier would do, so I'm not surprised. So...what's Medic doin' here?"
Medic chuckled. "There was free tea and alcohol. I'm no dummkopf. I know where the party is."
"Sounds like fun," Scout said.
"You just don't want to admit that you're losing," Zhanna cut in.
"Still soundin' like a fight," Scout said.
"It is," Zhanna said.
Miss Pauling downed her drink in one gulp. It'd gotten lukewarm. And it tasted like Scout's mother had vodka in that flask. She shuddered at the sudden burning sensation down her throat.
She gave Zhanna the kind of look that was the last thing staff at Mann co. saw before they ended up in a shallow grave.
She lifted up one finger. (Though not, as Scout put it, his favorite, and most versatile finger. It was an index finger, really.)
"This isn't even a contest. Scout stole a briefcase. Do you have any idea how reckless that is? What he could've had done to him--and he did it all to get my attention, and that is completely unbeatable. This isn't even a contest. Scout is the most reckless person I have ever met in my life, and I work with some of the most reckless people alive."
Zhanna narrowed her eyes. "My Jane teleported bread. He teleported bread nonstop for three days. For no apparent reason at all. Just because he could."
Miss Pauling flinched at that. Every time she turned around, Soldier had done something worse. "Dammit That's not..."
Zhanna continued on as if she didn't speak. "He made a toilet in the kitchen, just because he could. Back with his old roommate, the wizard."
Miss Pauling gritted her teeth. "That's....that's not--"
Scout grimaced. "Oh, fuck, he did that again? I fuckin' hate when he makes a toilet in the kitchen sink. Just use the friggin' bathroom like the rest of us!"
"He befriends raccoons! We have 30 of them where we live. Give up, Miss Pauling! You can't fight Raccoons."
"Actually, it's pretty easy. You can just get a live trap, put some food in there," Scout said.
"And Tavish? He fights wizards and ghosts for sport. Between them, there are no more reckless men in the entire world. And they are both my husbands, and Jane is Tavish's husband."
Miss Pauling slammed her hand on the table, hard enough that the tea cups shuddered. "Fuck!"
She glanced quickly to Scout's mother. "I mean, fudge," she said more quietly.
"Don't worry about it. I've had to go to confession and admit plenty of times I called my sons "little fuckers." She glanced down at her cup. "There's another one I'll have to say some hail Mary's for. Ah, she's a mother. She'd understand."
"Scout, he..." She quickly searched for something. But all she could remember was her chatty, surprisingly sweet (for a murderer) boyfriend and how he brought her faintly radioactive flowers and sweets and taught her facts about baseball and comics and ensured she never felt lonely for a moment.
Sure, he was reckless. But the kind of reckless that stole a briefcase and risked death again and again just to see her. The kind of reckless that made him keep waiting for her when there were tons of other women out there who had more than one day off a year. Just because he adored her that much.
"...Dammit!"
"Then you accept defeat?!"
Miss Pauling glared at her. "Never."
"Why do you continue on? I could've had him, if I wanted him," Zhanna said.
Miss Pauling let out a groan. "Oh, not this again... I get it, you flirted with him. But you never could've had him because he wanted me, and that is the most reckless damn thing any man has ever done. Maybe you're too busy randomly blowing up the country side with your husbands to ensure that I never get a second of free time, but I kill people, and I'm damn good at it, and Scout loves me anyways!"
"Damn right I do!"
Dammit! This was not the best thing to say in front of Scout's mother. Except she had barely taken notice, as she was drinking more tea.
Zhanna said one word, one word which changed it all. "Bears."
"Oh god, did you go and tame bears? That's so..."
"Reckless, yes," Zhanna said.
Miss Pauling's shoulders drooped at that. "It always has to be the bears."
Scout patted her on the shoulder. "I think you gotta admit defeat on this one. You just can't bear bears."
Medic sipped tea from the side, and chuckled. "How amusing the way this turned out!"
"Don't tell me you're going to jump into this battle now," Miss Pauling said.
"Oh, far be from it. I already hold the crown of the best boyfriend. I'm simply watching you all have some kind of fascinating race to the bottom. I suppose I can't blame you. I snatched up the best man in the world and the rest of you have to go for the title of worst."
Scout scrunched up his nose.
"Rude," Scout said.
"But it is the truth, ja?" Medic said.
But when it came to it, wasn't Medic completely right? Words she didn't often say.
"Well..." Miss Pauling said. She cleared her throat. An awkward silence fell.
But Scout's mother thankfully changed the subject.
Scout's mother gave her son a knowing look. "So you went and dated a killer, hmm?"
Scout broke into a coughing fit. "W-What? I mean, she's a killer looker, yeah! Super good lookin'!"
"I heard what you said."
"Dammit, I was hoping Medic's pictures of Archimedes and Heavy in matching caps were distracting enough!"
"I wasn't born yesterday. I know no 'delivery boy' is gettin' that many dollars a month. Besides, I got myself a killer already, remember?"
Right, she had a thing going on with Spy.
"You hired a hitman, ma? You could've just called me! I would've done it for free!"
"Got no need for a hitman," she said.
"But you said you got yourself a killer," Scout said.
"Why are you even starting this?"
"You have forgotten our first meeting already?"
"When I said I didn't trust you?" Miss Pauling rolled her eyes. "Newsflash, I don't trust anyone! It's a part of the job!"
Scout looked like a kicked puppy. "You don't trust me?"
"You're the exception, Scout. You're always the exception."
Scout's smile returned at that.
"Besides, you don't want state secrets or nuclear codes, you just want to get into my--actually, I probably shouldn't say that in front of your mother."
"I didn't get all these children out of a cabbage patch. I know a thing or two about men. Some men, anyways."
From the corner, a cough came.
"I was wonderin' when you'd show up," Scout's mother said.
"Spy too? Fuck, why not have the whole damn team in here!"
"That's tempting fate," Miss Pauling said.
"Jeez, I was hopin' he'd went and fucked off," Scout said.
After a moment, Scout figured it out. "Wait, ma you know Spy?"
"It's a long story," Scout's Mother said.
Scout frowned at the corner. Except it was the wrong corner. She now could see him near the fridge.
"Spy, you better not get any ideas about makin' eyes at my ma. She ain't somebody to just play around with you know," Scout said.
"Oh, honey," Scout's Mother said.
"Bit late for that one," Miss Pauling said under her breath.
"Spy, don't tell me you're jealous over here? The only person less Medic's type than Scout's mother is me. And every other woman in the world," Miss Pauling said.
"I said no such thing," Spy said sharply.
Zhanna cleared her throat. "This isn't over."
"Honestly, Zhanna, couldn't this wait until later. I'm trying to have tea with my boyfriend's mother here. It's the first time we've officially met. I wanted to preferably not have the door randomly kicked in."
Zhanna looked from Scout to Scout's mother. "You are a liar. No way that woman that young could have a son Scout's age."
Scout's mother laughed. "I'm flattered, but you should see me in a two-piece. One look at my stomach and you wouldn't doubt that I had eight children."
"How fascinating--"
"No, Medic," Miss Pauling said.
"Just one little drop--"
"No, Medic," she said.
"Are you done?" Miss Pauling said.
"Drinking alcohol? Probably not. Collecting birds? Never. With this conversation? Hardly, it just got interesting."
"The battle has already been won; it can wait for another day. I will surely still not like you then," Zhanna said.
"The feeling's mutual, trust me," Miss Pauling said tiredly.
When Zhanna left, an awkward silence settled over the room.
"More tea?" Medic said.
"I think we all could use some more of that," Scout's mother said.
"I really wanted this to go well. I'm sorry. I should've known..."
Scout's mother reached over the table and patted her on the hand. "If there's anything that I've learned over the years with havin' so many kids, it's nothin' ever goes as planned, and to expect chaos at any moment. Though the door bein' kicked in was a new one."
"Tell me about it," Miss Pauling said.
Scout's mother lifted her eyebrows at that. "Oh, somethin' you ain't tellin' me?"
Scout gave her an eager, yet alarmed look. "Uh, babe?!"
"No, not like that. At least, I don't think so. What I mean is with so many rowdy men, sometimes it feels like I got stuck with the job of babysitter," Miss Pauling said.
Scout chuckled. "That's so great. Except, wait, I'm not part of that right? I mean I've been great!"
"Well...you did steal a briefcase," Miss Pauling said.
Scout glanced to his mother.
"You what?"
Apparently she'd been too invested in the tea to catch the first time she'd said it.
"You already almost died in a robbery. Don't tell me you're goin' around stealin' things! Sweetheart, you can buy your own briefcases!"
"He more...Borrowed it," Miss Pauling said. "It was returned soon enough."
"I just wanted to see her again," Scout said. "So maybe I just borrowed somethin' which meant she'd come on down to get back. I didn't even look on in it."
"Well, borrowin' ain't too bad, as long as it got back to its rightful owner," Scout's mother said.
"It was a little bad," Miss Pauling said.
Scout rubbed at his chin thoughtfully. "Y'know, on second thought, I guess I could be down with that. The babysitter thing sounds hot," Scout said.
"That's something you really didn't need to share with your mother," Miss Pauling said.
"Trust me, that ain't the first time that's been said, and it ain't gonna be the last," Scout said.
"Ain't that the truth," Scout's mother said.
She stood up, a little tipsily, and leaned in to pat Scout on the head.
"Well, this has certainly been enlightenin'," Scout's mother said.
"Maybe a little too enlightening," Miss Pauling said.
"It was nice to meet you, Miss Pauling."
"Sorry about all that," Miss Pauling said. Miss Pauling gestured to the door, the chaos, the everything.
"Next time will be better. Though I wouldn't expect the next time to come anywhere in the next decade. I'm pretty busy."
"Oh, don't be silly. You haven't seen anythin' until you've seen the kind of chaos that happens in a Dempsey Thanksgivin'. Speakin' of which you're invited."
"Oh, I'll have work but...some day," Miss Pauling said.
"Some day," Scout's mother echoed.
"Weren't we supposed to go to town?"
"I have to fix a door now."
And it looked like Scout's mother already had a date anyways.
*
Once the chaos had all settled, Miss Pauling poured herself some 'tea' which was just the last leavings of the tea, and wine poured to the brim.
"We could get a hotel," Scout said.
"For what? Are you talking about a special away day? Because...I don't think we have time."
"Demoman said bein' a loser means someone fucks in your bed."
"He was joking, right?"
"It was Demo, so who the fuck knows?"
"Ugh, I am not going to be happy if I find out my bed is all messed up. I don't want to sacrifice my one hour of sleep a day to wash my sheets. You already have me washing my sheets enough."
Scout chuckled at that. "I sure do."
Miss Pauling sighed. "This wasn't how I wanted meeting your mother to turn out like. I didn't expect Zhanna to break down the door and start aggressively doing--whatever the hell that was."
"A pissin' contest about who had the best boyfriend?"
"No, that was already sorted out and it was Medic who won. It was more the wor..."
She cleared her throat. "Most reckless boyfriend. Definitely most reckless."
Scout shrugged it off. "Eh, Soldier just probably wanted to win after Medic beat us all by landin' Heavy. Zhanna's always on team Soldier, so it makes sense she'd pull a Soldier and randomly beat down your door. Really shitty timin', though."
"You're surprisingly calm about all this. You got beat again, and you hate losing," she said.
Scout held out his arms, and pulled her close. After the chaos of the day, it was a real relief to be this close to him.
"I won you over, though. So everythin' else is kinda just...small fries compared to that, you know. So what if Zhanna thinks she won today? I get to see you every single day. I get to help you bury bodies, and sneak lunch in between buryin' bodies, and takin' out rugs which probably have bodies in 'em. You know, work stuff. And one day, you'll have enough time to actually do stuff like go out for lunch with me."
She smiled. "Less 'won me over' and more 'I finally had enough time to realize you had feelings for me and I had feelings for you. When you have so little time, realizing these things can be complicated," she said.
Scout's gray eyes were filled with glee at that. He grinned, buck-toothed, and full of joy. "So, you're sayin' I'd already won you over before the whole thing with the bread?"
"Yeah, actually."
"Holy shit, I won you over!"
She smiled. "You know, even if we're technically a two time loser in these contests, I feel like a winner," she said.
"Don't worry, babe! Cutest couple contest is comin' up on Valentine's day, and we will crush that shit. It's gonna be the biggest landslide victory in all of history. We will go down in friggin' history."
"A cutest couple contest? Hmm, but I'm sure other people will enter..."
Scout laughed. "What the fuck are they gonna do? Heavy is like, the size of a friggin' bear! He makes children cry at the sight of him! Soldier can't go a single day without breakin' someone's arms. They're gonna get last place when the judge looks at all five foot of you, snuggled up next to me, the luckiest guy int he world."
"And all five-eleven of you," she said.
"Exactly! We just fit."
"That sounds like fun."
"And we'll get our revenge... If they don't blow up the entirety of Teufort before then."
She let out a sigh. "If they don't blow up the entirety of Teufort before then."
"But if they do, I'll help you kick their ass. Because that's what love is all about."
Scout smiled, and at the sight of that smile, she felt like she'd already won that contest, and every possible contest around.
*
