fic: Trial By Fire (3/4)
Nov. 7th, 2014 08:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bonnefoisTitle: Trial By Fire (3)
Series: TF2
Character/pairing: Scout/Miss Pauling, ensemble, Administrator, Saxton Hale,
Rating: PG-13
Word count: 5122
Summary: When the mercenary group is suddenly attacked at night by Gray Mann while taking refuge in an old base, Miss Pauling barely escapes the flames with Scout. Soon after she's hit with the realization that this was no accident: there's a traitor in Teufort. With time running out, Gray Mann's armies quickly closing in and everyone a possible suspect, she tries to flush out the mole before everything is lost.
Author's note:
*
It was so cold. Colder than anything she'd ever felt, chilling down to her bones. She curled into a fetal position through the dark as a single light cut through the room. She closed her eyes tighter, pushing out the light. There was a throbbing in her head, her bones. Everything turned on edge as she tried to push herself up.
It was like breaking water, that first breath. She tried to open her eyes and only saw bubbles of light across a white room. Everything was so bright, she dipped in nausea until her head was between her knees.
A rapid heart rate, an undefinable sense of wrongness as she tried to move.
She still felt unsteady as she leaned on the wall for support. A white room, rusted and with a broken metal cabinet. The door swung from one hinge. It'd seen better days.
She recognized it slowly, a place she'd seen millions of times, but rarely been in herself. A Respawn room, not particularly different from the thousands of others scattered around the bases. She'd inspected them through bases, and seen them on surveillance many a time, had even overseen repairs a few times. She fell to her knees, hands against the tiled floor. She was still shuddering, but alive. She turned her hand over and studied it, checking over her skin for evidence of falseness. Had she lost herself in the transition? She'd taken for granted what kind of hell they had to go through daily.
But this left another question: who had put her into Respawn?
Most of the men were struck out from the possible list entirely. Scout could barely work the air conditioner in his room, let alone large-scale equipment. Medic only concerned himself with his own inventions; any healing of his teammates was a byproduct of his own morbid curiosity. Engineer, Bidwell, other orderlies, and the higher ranks were the only ones who could've done the deed.
But none of them would've done it without a nod from higher up. The Administrator kept a strict, tight grip on the Respawn system, and she never was one to waste resources. She couldn't put her faith in mistakes or accidents any longer, not when any incongruity could lead her to the person behind it all.
"One step, you can do this," she said.
She pushed herself up again, with a new sense of nausea. How the men did this on a regular basis, she couldn't imagine. Give her a box full of heads to remove the teeth from rather than another second in this room.
She shut her eyes tight as she kept stepping. Her legs were as shaky as a newborn fawn, but she'd get her strength back soon. She'd seen the men go through the issues, seen them accustom to something she'd never dreamed was that traumatic and monstrous.
But it was life, her life and she wasn't going to waste another moment. The entire base could've collapsed without her, and Scout---
Oh, she had to hurry.
She went through the empty halls. The metal floor was cold against her bare feet. She leaned against the decimated walls for balance as she walked. Some of the computers were sparking, with bullet holes shot through and broken pieces. Even if Gray Mann hadn't captured another of their bases, the costs in revamping this one made it a loss nonetheless. At this rate, it'd have to be abandoned, just like the last.
Each room she went through was empty. Some ransacked, others littered with the twisted remains of broken robots. She reached for the gun at her thigh, only to find it gone.
"I've really got to update my Respawn data to have shoes," she muttered under her breath.
She finally found the men, or at least most of them at the front. Engineer was rebuilding the defenses, and trying to salvage what he could of the computer system. Heavy was clearing away more rubble, lifting huge beams as if they weighed little more than toothpicks, while Medic attended to the wounds on Soldier and Pyro. Demoman and Sniper brought out a table from the inside, and set it down next to the rescued schematics from Engineer's workshop.
Scout was nowhere in sight.
For a moment, she had a worry. He was the most vulnerable of the men. If he hadn't come back, then he might not---But, no. She'd just come from Respawn, unless his Respawn data was compromised.
Pyro let out a muffled cry, and pointed. One by one, the men turned to her. Eight men gaped as lost seconds passed. The cigarette fell from Spy's mouth. Engineer took off his helmet, with a mutter of Good Lord...
"You should've warned me about what a ride Respawn is," she said. She tried to smile, a faint attempt at humor, but it didn't reach her eyes, and the joke fell flat.
Engineer rubbed his bald head. "We thought you were a goner."
There were several muffled grunts of agreement. Heavy was wiping away tears, while Sniper pulled his hat down low over his face. Pyro had tilted his head in puppy-like enthusiasm.
"Where's Scout?" she said.
"Burying you," Spy said.
She kept her expression as even as she could. She'd buried thousands of bodies over the years, but never her own. As for him, she had nothing to worry this second. Spy was too professional to attack her here in front of everyone. All she had to do was find enough to expose him. But first, she had to find Scout, and make sure she wasn't followed out.
"Scout would not let us help. Said he would 'break our face' if we tried," Heavy said. His jaw set, in his own stoic grief. Medic patted him on the shoulder, leaving a trail of smeared blood on his sleeve.
"He was about ready to introduce a few of us to his fist already," Engineer said. "About took Heavy on. None of us are goin' near, he already threatened to off us all, sayin' we were turncoats."
As she thought, everything had fallen to pieces without her guidance. In a way too mechanical to be anything but manufactured chaos. All she could do was put together the pieces again.
"Oh.... I'll go get him," she said. "Don't take to mind what he says, he was just very....emotional."
"Can't say I would've done any different. If I thought you all were turncoats, I'd dig the graves without a second thought," Sniper said. He flicked his cigarette and crushed it into the ground.
"Good to know ye just a bloody traitor, ye can get into someone else's Scrumpy stash from now on," Demoman said.
"Now that's just cruel," Engineer said, though she couldn't tell if it was about the killing, or the alcohol.
"Everyone calm down, I—we'll fix this," she said.
When the men looked at her, it wasn't with the sense of trust she'd once seen. Clouded over distance as each of them moved a little further apart.
Her head start of their ignorance had been torn away. Now each action would have to be taken with even more care. They were hired killers at heart, and never more dangerous when cornered.
*
She found him hunched over deep in the woods. Blood spattered to his shirt, both his and the body he'd carried. The body which had once been hers, and now was just a broken husk. She thought she'd seen him broken at the start of their promise, but it was nothing compared to how he looked now. She'd seen him in states of gory death when he looked more alive than this.
Worn, wrung out, nothingness. He clutched to his shovel like a lifeline.
"Scout?" she said.
He dropped his shovel, clattering into the shallow hole. Scout gaped at her, before rubbing his eyes with his bloody hands.
"I did it...I lost my mind, didn't I? I'm goin' to turn around and see you and it's goin' to be just a desert thing. Whatcha call them? Mirage. I'm goin' to turn around and you ain't goin' to be there. And now for the rest of my life, I'm goin' to see you in other girls and reflections....at least my life will be short, I just gotta tell ma I ain't comin' back."
He turned, a tragic mix of hope and sadness in his face. "Miss Pauling? I–You're—you're over there, I'm buryin' you—You really are a mirage, ain't you?"
"Someone put me in Respawn," she said
"Oh, Miss Pauling," he said. His shovel clattered to the ground, forgotten as he came closer. Unsteady, halting and full of trepidation, then quick. He pushed her hair back with his bloodstained hands, marveling over the angles of her face, the feel of her hair, her.
All at once he pulled her into his arms. He kept petting her hair, desperate and calming. The stench of sweat, blood and oil was thick, but she didn't care as he held her closer. His chin resting against her head.
His voice choked. "You're alive. God, I'm so glad. So damn glad."
"I didn't realize it'd be so hard," she said. Her voice was low, a tiny secret of weakness.
"First time I went through Respawn I bawled like a frickin' baby. I couldn't even go back onto the field for ages, because I was about ready to hurl. Plus, I'd pissed myself on the way back. And Snipes hadn't gotten his Jarate yet, so I couldn't have passed it off as anythin' but me bein' a frickin' baby."
"Geez, I can't stop touchin' you, and I don't want to dirty you up," he said.
Too late, he'd left traces of the blood on her face, and oil smudge with his thumb across her cheek.
"I broke all the promises I made, I'm sorry," he said. He started to pull away, but she clung tight to his arm.
"Don't stop," she said.
"I couldn't if I wanted to," he said.
"If you stay in the sun like this, you'll get heatstroke," he said. He shielded her from the brightness, his body leaned protectively against hers.
"You're the one who's been out here so long," she said.
"Dunno how long I've been out here....buryin' you," he said.
He'd chosen a place beneath a large rock outcropping, like a nature-made headstone for her. The ground was unrelenting and rocky, thicker than soup in the hard-packed wilderness. She'd have to teach him more about grave digging later.
"Why don't I help you with that burial?" she said.
He stayed quiet for a second, the mere words burial mixed with her made him shudder.
"Don't you go dyin' again, I won't survive a second time. Barely survived this time," he said.
He slipped his arm about her, diving close until his face was buried against her, breathing her in.
"I promise to the best of my ability. I didn't exactly plan to get stabbed in the back," she said.
"Sorry for lettin' you down," he said. "But I promise, it ain't goin' to happen again. Don't matter how many times I die in the process, I won't let anyone else touch you."
"You never let me down. You couldn't have known that something in the system had failed---I didn't even know until it was too late," she said.
"When I heard somethin', I came runnin'. I was seconds too late, just soon enough to see you.... I killed that rustbucket, though. And I'm goin' to kill whoever turned on you. Can't wait to feel their skull crackin' in two. Goin' to make that death slow," he said.
"I'll help," she said.
"Cut 'em apart at the seams while they're still alive?" Scout
"Then salt the wounds."Maybe add some vinegar? Ants seem too much work and waiting, though finding some dogs to help with the 'clean up' would be nice, though I'd have to be careful and not go too far and kill them too soon," she said.
"Sheesh, you're one cruel girl. I like it," Scout said with utter fondness in his voice.
She smiled. "I try, though some of you mercenaries beat me out. I can't help it; I'm too efficient at heart."
She bent to pick up his shovel, and scraped it across the hard ground. "I thought the system was stronger. He must've messed with one of the generators to lure me out..."
"System wasn't all the way down down, it was only the control room which got hit. Nobody got through the gates, that robot came through the ceilin'," Scout said.
Miss Pauling knew that she'd been lured out, but she didn't know the extent, or how ruthless Gray Mann had been. To think that he would even sacrifice his chance at more data and bases under his command to go straight for her her.
"The ceiling?" Miss Pauling said.
In every base there were several complicated tunnels of escape. A few of the assistants could have accessed some of the lower level entry ones, but the more complicated ones were so classified that very few ever knew about them and lived to tell.
"Are you absolutely sure?" Miss Pauling said.
"Yeah, there were wires all cut up there, bits of oil and stuff. Nothin' else could've made it, and all the guys decimated the robots that attacked the front."
She'd spent all this time trying to eliminate the mercenaries that she hadn't even gotten a chance to check into any of the higher level orderlies who hadn't been killed off yet, or any of the silent partners.
She leaned on the shovel.
It'd been expertly plotted out. A distraction to lure her in, a distraction to keep the mercenaries away, and a secret tunnel that no one but a very few ever knew about. She was getting closer, but to what, she couldn't say. A sense of impending dread came inside her.
She couldn't report to the Administrator, not like this. Perhaps she could sneak a letter in, warning he that someone close to her might be threatening her life. No, even that might be intercepted. She could only trust that anyone willing to threaten the Administrator wouldn't live long enough to regret their decision. Not even Gray Mann.
"We've got our work cut out for us. I'm going to need you around more than ever," she said.
"You say that like you could get rid of me," Scout said.
He brought out a smile in her; a singular talent of his. A play of words, a ridiculous statement, and she'd find the troubles of the day momentarily forgotten. Her own personal slice of happiness.
"I'm glad I can count on you. Really, this seems otherwise, I can barely put into words---"
"Don't worry about it, I got more than enough words to make up for it," he said. He touched her cheek and looked at her like no one else even compared. She just rested her head against his hand. Them together, the remains of her hesitance buried between them.
*
The reconstruction only lasted long enough to close up the broken barriers, the damaged system. She sunk into bed hours later, more exhausted than she could remember. She hadn't even bothered to change, just kicked off her shoes and fell into stiff sheets. She'd spent her time on changing the password to her room door, and bolting up the vents.
If a fire came, she would be locked in a furnace of her very own making. But after her stint in Respawn, she was willing to take the chance.
She heard the scuffling when she had almost fallen asleep. She jerked up, and reached through the dark for her gun. It continued, something just outside of her door. Had the security been breached again? It hadn't been enough to put her through Respawn once; Gray Mann had found out, and was out to kill her again.
She yanked open the door, a gun pointed straight to the intruder's heart. Scout's eyes widened, and he waved his hands in front of his chest.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't shoot—"
She lowered the gun. "Scout? What are you doing here?"
"I wasn't bein' a perv!" Scout protested, waving his hands over his chest in frantic motion. "I woke up from this nightmare, and I couldn't tell what was real. Did I dream you dyin', or was the part of you bein' alive a dream? So, I just wanted to make sure. 'Course you would've put the security up—that's good—but I just wanted to see for myself that you were still there. I just...couldn't take it."
"Come in," she said.
The door closed behind him. Instead of his usual bravado, he shifted from foot to foot in an awkward manner. He wasn't even looking at her—she remembered how dischelved her clothes were, revealing the low-cut mauve slip with an edge of lace she hadn't quite gotten out of yet.
"I'm out of pills," she said.
"Oh, I already took some aspirin, I don't need any, but thanks," he said.
"Birth control pills," she said.
"Whoa now, I ain't breakin' my promise," he said.
"I told you, you can drop the promise," Miss Pauling said.
"Then, I can speak? I can really speak?" His smiled returned like the sun coming out after a long winter. His gaze lingered on her lips a minute, drinking her in. But when he spoke, it was not to her face, but to the wall.
He spoke haltingly, more like he was practicing in the mirror for what to say, not speaking to her.
"—Listen, I love you more than anythin', and when you were gone—I–I didn't even know what to do. No matter what, I can't get over you and I just keep lovin' you more, until it feels like I'm goin' to burst. And—aw, fuck, I had more of this, but I—It keeps gettin' lost. This sounds like some dumb soap opera shit, but this, this is all the most real thing I've ever felt for anybody, and it ain't goin' to get like this for anyone else. I just know it. I just---this getting' through? This makin' any sense?"
"You aren't even looking at me," she said.
"It's hard– real hard– but I promised, and I don't back down on my promises," he said. "I've already gone this far, though."
Deep underwater with the world in flames above them, she'd felt a calmness and stability as the bubbles floated up between their mouths. With death and betrayal around every corner, she craved that feeling of comfort, of sureness in the midst of chaos more than ever.
She stood up on tiptoe, her hand cupping the back of his neck. "Scout, look at me."
He didn't so much gaze at her as drink her in, looking at her with a kind of tenderness and feeling that she hadn't thought him capable of. He reached out to stroke her cheek, but pulled back a second later, as if he'd felt a jolt.
"I want to woo you right off your feet. I want to romance you so much that you'll never be able to see a movie without goin' 'that ain't anythin' compared to him.' I-I'm goin' to do it all! Win you all the stuffed bears and take you dancin' all the time!"
"Once the war is over, take me somewhere nice," she said. "I'll make enough time, just take me out anywhere."
"Not anywhere. Only the best for you," he said.
"It could be the greasiest burger joint around and I'd still be happy if you were the one taking me, " she said.
He kissed her then, sudden enough to make her feel a jolt, to freeze a moment until she found herself in his arms. Shifted to fit without displacing her glasses, stood on tiptoe to better reach.
He broke away from the kiss and touched her cheek
"I wanted to do that for years and years and years! God, I can't believe that just happened! You know what I thought when I saw you?"
"Let me guess," Miss Pauling said. She mimicked a wolf whistle. "That?"
"Well, yeah. But one of the first things I noticed when I saw you here, was that you were nervous too. And I didn't feel so alone. When I first came to the battlefield, I thought I could handle it. But it was different. In Southie, sure you could get killed, but I always knew my brothers were there to back me up. I thought it was the same with the guys, but....The first time I got in a bar fight, Sniper went off and said I was being a wanker and deserved it and that I was off on my own. 'course, he'd have my back later on–he was just pissed at me for stealin' his drink– but it was a rough awakenin'. I was just tied up in knots back then, so I yelled louder and told myself I was awesome, and I became awesome. Awesomer. But then, you got better. And I thought I had to catch up. Truth is—promise you won't tell anyone?"
"I'm the best secret keeper around, even better than Spy. I'll take whatever you tell me to my grave," she said.
"Jeez, don't even say that, I dug one for you not even a day ago," Scout said.
"Sorry," she said.
"I was always the youngest and littlest. Half the time when the Dempsey boys went out, I wouldn't even get to throw a punch before it was all over. So, I decided I was goin' to be a superhero when I grew up. I started runnin', maybe fixin' to find some magic space ring or get big by a radioactive spider along the way, but I was going to be fast," he said. He chewed on his lip before continuing.
"I almost made it to college, what with the way I was workin' runnin' track, but I ended up gettin' expelled. I never gave up, and then you came and broke me out of there, and I never forgot how you looked that day. Like...a purple angel, yeah."
"I was just doing my job," Miss Pauling said.
"It meant everythin' to me," he said
"So, if you were so in love with me, then why would you chase after every girl in a fifty mile radius?"
"Babe, I'm a guy. It was over five years. What, was I supposed to be a monk, even though you wouldn't even give me the time of day? Sure, I wanted to end up with you, but I had to be practical," Scout said. He shrugged, steeped in innocence and boyish charm.
"I was too busy to give you the time of day, considering you'd take five hours to ask me it," she said.
"All right, all right, I got it...I ain't goin' after nobody else. Ever. Honest. It's a promise I'm goin' to keep for the rest of my life," he said.
"You said there weren't any pills and---"
"I'm sure we can find something to do with ourselves," she said. She tugged on his shirt, tugged him down low enough to kiss him hard enough to silence any of his worries and nervousness in the soft, urgent rhythm of her body.
*
The first light of morning coming through the rusty slats of the window. She stretched, her mind still coming into focus. His arm was slung across her waist, and she curled up closer to him. It was the first time in weeks that she'd woken up without feeling a sense of panic cutting through any moment's comfort sleep would allow.
The lock had held, no fires had come. They'd survived another day.
Even as she didn't have time, even as the mystery lay on, she had been so tired. He shifted behind her, and tightened his grip around her waist.
"With what a restless sleeper you always are, I figured I'd wake up to you kicking me," she said.
Scout yawned, and buried his face in her hair. "Don't sleep good alone."
"Ah, of course, you never want to sleep alone, I should've gathered that from all your skirtchasing," she said.
"Naah, I mean, I grew up in a small place. We didn't have room for separate rooms or anythin', not with so many of us. Got used to the sound of my brothers breathin' and snorin'. It meant everyone was alive and safe. Demo's the only one who let's me stay in his room when he's drunk enough. All I gotta do is say he vomited on my bed, and he always believes me."
"Probably think I'm a total wuss, but it ain't like that all. I'll fight a bear, I don't care, but I got fussy sleepin' habits, it ain't nothin' to do with toughness," he said.
"I'll keep your secrets, don't worry," she said with her own secret smile. A little glimmer of happiness through the dark he always managed to find for her.
He shifted, until he was resting on top of her. Forehead to forehead, his hands gently brushing through her tangled hair. When his lips met her, she sunk deep into the kiss until no problems could break her from the little bubble of this world, their bed, their lips. Nothing broke her from this soft, this calm, not even the war, or morning breath.
"You're alive, you're really still alive," he said in wonder. He rested his head against her chest, close enough to hear her heartbeat, and hear it quicken as he he traced down her hips.
"I didn't die in the night this time. ...Did you have a nightmare?" she said.
"No, but I had to be sure again. Cause I keep feelin' like I might wake up," he said.
She felt up his back, lean muscle and many scars of the years. Most of her pajamas were still on from last night, though his clothes had landed on the floor, under the bed, and somehow, the ceiling fan.
He broke the kiss just to take her in, a glance to reassure himself, thumb under her cheek. Nobody had ever looked at her like that, with such love and adoration.
For just a second longer, she entwined her fingers with his.
"We're going to have to get up soon," she said.
His response was a low sigh, then a yeah muttered under his breath. From surveillance and experience, she knew he definitely wasn't a morning person. In fact, this was the happiest she'd ever seen him this early. Apparently she made all the difference.
"When this is all over, I'm going to get some free time, even if I have to take over Australia to do so."
He laughed. "I bet you would, just walk right in there and overthrow everythin'."
"I hope you've got plenty of date plans, because I'm taking you up on your offer," she said.
"Do I! I...ain't got reservations. When I get my next paycheck, I'm takin' you on six years worth of dates."
"Hopefully not all in one day," she said, barely able to keep herself from laughing.
"Just you try me, I will date like the wind," he said.
This time she couldn't hold back her laughter. He kissed the crook of her neck, rolling off her only to kiss further down her neck, until he'd pulled her shirt down enough to suck at the hollow of her throat. She was pretty sure he'd left some marks on her in very visible places.
"I've got a suggestion: warm bed."
"You make a pretty good argument, but I've got one for you: showering and breakfast," she said.
"Hrmmm. They got appeal, I gotta admit, but warm covers are winnin'," Scout said.
"I never said I'd be showering alone," she said.
"Thought you said it was too small?" he said.
"Let's just say I'm flexible enough and willing to make it work," she said.
"Okay, you win," he said.
She stretched, and stepped down to the cold floor. In a second she'd pulled her feet back up into bed. She'd need a few more seconds before she could take metal floors on bare feet.
"By the way, my name is Sophia," she said.
"Sophia.... Sophie, I like that," Scout said. He sounded her name out for a long time, like he didn't want to stop saying it, like it was sweet on his tongue.
"But don't call me it around anyone else. Understood? I don't just share my civilian identity with anyone around here," she said.
"Just for me?" Scout said eagerly.
"Well, you're the only mercenary I told, though I wouldn't be surprised if Spy knows. He has a habit of getting into information even when I try and keep him out."
He burst into a big smile and kissed her cheek before he got out of bed. Before she knew it, he was lifting her up and carrying her towards the adjoining bathroom.
"Bein' with me means you never gotta have cold feet," he said.
"In both senses of the phrase?" she said.
"God, I hope so," Scout said.
He was all too happy to help her out of what was left of her clothes, the few he hadn't gotten to last night. She was the first one in the tiny stall.
She slicked her hair back in the lukewarm spray. The shower head was clogged with rust, enough to make the water sputter out. In the seconds that past, no regrets came, no indecision. She thought through every move like she was planning a job, but in softer tones.
The mirror was fogged up. She rung the wet out of her hair, leaving it damp and sticking to her skin. When he kissed her neck, his hands rough against her back, she knew everything she'd been missing throughout the years. A tiny ghost of loneliness hidden between long hours and the distrust that went with the job had finally been exorcised.
Series: TF2
Character/pairing: Scout/Miss Pauling, ensemble, Administrator, Saxton Hale,
Rating: PG-13
Word count: 5122
Summary: When the mercenary group is suddenly attacked at night by Gray Mann while taking refuge in an old base, Miss Pauling barely escapes the flames with Scout. Soon after she's hit with the realization that this was no accident: there's a traitor in Teufort. With time running out, Gray Mann's armies quickly closing in and everyone a possible suspect, she tries to flush out the mole before everything is lost.
Author's note:
*
It was so cold. Colder than anything she'd ever felt, chilling down to her bones. She curled into a fetal position through the dark as a single light cut through the room. She closed her eyes tighter, pushing out the light. There was a throbbing in her head, her bones. Everything turned on edge as she tried to push herself up.
It was like breaking water, that first breath. She tried to open her eyes and only saw bubbles of light across a white room. Everything was so bright, she dipped in nausea until her head was between her knees.
A rapid heart rate, an undefinable sense of wrongness as she tried to move.
She still felt unsteady as she leaned on the wall for support. A white room, rusted and with a broken metal cabinet. The door swung from one hinge. It'd seen better days.
She recognized it slowly, a place she'd seen millions of times, but rarely been in herself. A Respawn room, not particularly different from the thousands of others scattered around the bases. She'd inspected them through bases, and seen them on surveillance many a time, had even overseen repairs a few times. She fell to her knees, hands against the tiled floor. She was still shuddering, but alive. She turned her hand over and studied it, checking over her skin for evidence of falseness. Had she lost herself in the transition? She'd taken for granted what kind of hell they had to go through daily.
But this left another question: who had put her into Respawn?
Most of the men were struck out from the possible list entirely. Scout could barely work the air conditioner in his room, let alone large-scale equipment. Medic only concerned himself with his own inventions; any healing of his teammates was a byproduct of his own morbid curiosity. Engineer, Bidwell, other orderlies, and the higher ranks were the only ones who could've done the deed.
But none of them would've done it without a nod from higher up. The Administrator kept a strict, tight grip on the Respawn system, and she never was one to waste resources. She couldn't put her faith in mistakes or accidents any longer, not when any incongruity could lead her to the person behind it all.
"One step, you can do this," she said.
She pushed herself up again, with a new sense of nausea. How the men did this on a regular basis, she couldn't imagine. Give her a box full of heads to remove the teeth from rather than another second in this room.
She shut her eyes tight as she kept stepping. Her legs were as shaky as a newborn fawn, but she'd get her strength back soon. She'd seen the men go through the issues, seen them accustom to something she'd never dreamed was that traumatic and monstrous.
But it was life, her life and she wasn't going to waste another moment. The entire base could've collapsed without her, and Scout---
Oh, she had to hurry.
She went through the empty halls. The metal floor was cold against her bare feet. She leaned against the decimated walls for balance as she walked. Some of the computers were sparking, with bullet holes shot through and broken pieces. Even if Gray Mann hadn't captured another of their bases, the costs in revamping this one made it a loss nonetheless. At this rate, it'd have to be abandoned, just like the last.
Each room she went through was empty. Some ransacked, others littered with the twisted remains of broken robots. She reached for the gun at her thigh, only to find it gone.
"I've really got to update my Respawn data to have shoes," she muttered under her breath.
She finally found the men, or at least most of them at the front. Engineer was rebuilding the defenses, and trying to salvage what he could of the computer system. Heavy was clearing away more rubble, lifting huge beams as if they weighed little more than toothpicks, while Medic attended to the wounds on Soldier and Pyro. Demoman and Sniper brought out a table from the inside, and set it down next to the rescued schematics from Engineer's workshop.
Scout was nowhere in sight.
For a moment, she had a worry. He was the most vulnerable of the men. If he hadn't come back, then he might not---But, no. She'd just come from Respawn, unless his Respawn data was compromised.
Pyro let out a muffled cry, and pointed. One by one, the men turned to her. Eight men gaped as lost seconds passed. The cigarette fell from Spy's mouth. Engineer took off his helmet, with a mutter of Good Lord...
"You should've warned me about what a ride Respawn is," she said. She tried to smile, a faint attempt at humor, but it didn't reach her eyes, and the joke fell flat.
Engineer rubbed his bald head. "We thought you were a goner."
There were several muffled grunts of agreement. Heavy was wiping away tears, while Sniper pulled his hat down low over his face. Pyro had tilted his head in puppy-like enthusiasm.
"Where's Scout?" she said.
"Burying you," Spy said.
She kept her expression as even as she could. She'd buried thousands of bodies over the years, but never her own. As for him, she had nothing to worry this second. Spy was too professional to attack her here in front of everyone. All she had to do was find enough to expose him. But first, she had to find Scout, and make sure she wasn't followed out.
"Scout would not let us help. Said he would 'break our face' if we tried," Heavy said. His jaw set, in his own stoic grief. Medic patted him on the shoulder, leaving a trail of smeared blood on his sleeve.
"He was about ready to introduce a few of us to his fist already," Engineer said. "About took Heavy on. None of us are goin' near, he already threatened to off us all, sayin' we were turncoats."
As she thought, everything had fallen to pieces without her guidance. In a way too mechanical to be anything but manufactured chaos. All she could do was put together the pieces again.
"Oh.... I'll go get him," she said. "Don't take to mind what he says, he was just very....emotional."
"Can't say I would've done any different. If I thought you all were turncoats, I'd dig the graves without a second thought," Sniper said. He flicked his cigarette and crushed it into the ground.
"Good to know ye just a bloody traitor, ye can get into someone else's Scrumpy stash from now on," Demoman said.
"Now that's just cruel," Engineer said, though she couldn't tell if it was about the killing, or the alcohol.
"Everyone calm down, I—we'll fix this," she said.
When the men looked at her, it wasn't with the sense of trust she'd once seen. Clouded over distance as each of them moved a little further apart.
Her head start of their ignorance had been torn away. Now each action would have to be taken with even more care. They were hired killers at heart, and never more dangerous when cornered.
*
She found him hunched over deep in the woods. Blood spattered to his shirt, both his and the body he'd carried. The body which had once been hers, and now was just a broken husk. She thought she'd seen him broken at the start of their promise, but it was nothing compared to how he looked now. She'd seen him in states of gory death when he looked more alive than this.
Worn, wrung out, nothingness. He clutched to his shovel like a lifeline.
"Scout?" she said.
He dropped his shovel, clattering into the shallow hole. Scout gaped at her, before rubbing his eyes with his bloody hands.
"I did it...I lost my mind, didn't I? I'm goin' to turn around and see you and it's goin' to be just a desert thing. Whatcha call them? Mirage. I'm goin' to turn around and you ain't goin' to be there. And now for the rest of my life, I'm goin' to see you in other girls and reflections....at least my life will be short, I just gotta tell ma I ain't comin' back."
He turned, a tragic mix of hope and sadness in his face. "Miss Pauling? I–You're—you're over there, I'm buryin' you—You really are a mirage, ain't you?"
"Someone put me in Respawn," she said
"Oh, Miss Pauling," he said. His shovel clattered to the ground, forgotten as he came closer. Unsteady, halting and full of trepidation, then quick. He pushed her hair back with his bloodstained hands, marveling over the angles of her face, the feel of her hair, her.
All at once he pulled her into his arms. He kept petting her hair, desperate and calming. The stench of sweat, blood and oil was thick, but she didn't care as he held her closer. His chin resting against her head.
His voice choked. "You're alive. God, I'm so glad. So damn glad."
"I didn't realize it'd be so hard," she said. Her voice was low, a tiny secret of weakness.
"First time I went through Respawn I bawled like a frickin' baby. I couldn't even go back onto the field for ages, because I was about ready to hurl. Plus, I'd pissed myself on the way back. And Snipes hadn't gotten his Jarate yet, so I couldn't have passed it off as anythin' but me bein' a frickin' baby."
"Geez, I can't stop touchin' you, and I don't want to dirty you up," he said.
Too late, he'd left traces of the blood on her face, and oil smudge with his thumb across her cheek.
"I broke all the promises I made, I'm sorry," he said. He started to pull away, but she clung tight to his arm.
"Don't stop," she said.
"I couldn't if I wanted to," he said.
"If you stay in the sun like this, you'll get heatstroke," he said. He shielded her from the brightness, his body leaned protectively against hers.
"You're the one who's been out here so long," she said.
"Dunno how long I've been out here....buryin' you," he said.
He'd chosen a place beneath a large rock outcropping, like a nature-made headstone for her. The ground was unrelenting and rocky, thicker than soup in the hard-packed wilderness. She'd have to teach him more about grave digging later.
"Why don't I help you with that burial?" she said.
He stayed quiet for a second, the mere words burial mixed with her made him shudder.
"Don't you go dyin' again, I won't survive a second time. Barely survived this time," he said.
He slipped his arm about her, diving close until his face was buried against her, breathing her in.
"I promise to the best of my ability. I didn't exactly plan to get stabbed in the back," she said.
"Sorry for lettin' you down," he said. "But I promise, it ain't goin' to happen again. Don't matter how many times I die in the process, I won't let anyone else touch you."
"You never let me down. You couldn't have known that something in the system had failed---I didn't even know until it was too late," she said.
"When I heard somethin', I came runnin'. I was seconds too late, just soon enough to see you.... I killed that rustbucket, though. And I'm goin' to kill whoever turned on you. Can't wait to feel their skull crackin' in two. Goin' to make that death slow," he said.
"I'll help," she said.
"Cut 'em apart at the seams while they're still alive?" Scout
"Then salt the wounds."Maybe add some vinegar? Ants seem too much work and waiting, though finding some dogs to help with the 'clean up' would be nice, though I'd have to be careful and not go too far and kill them too soon," she said.
"Sheesh, you're one cruel girl. I like it," Scout said with utter fondness in his voice.
She smiled. "I try, though some of you mercenaries beat me out. I can't help it; I'm too efficient at heart."
She bent to pick up his shovel, and scraped it across the hard ground. "I thought the system was stronger. He must've messed with one of the generators to lure me out..."
"System wasn't all the way down down, it was only the control room which got hit. Nobody got through the gates, that robot came through the ceilin'," Scout said.
Miss Pauling knew that she'd been lured out, but she didn't know the extent, or how ruthless Gray Mann had been. To think that he would even sacrifice his chance at more data and bases under his command to go straight for her her.
"The ceiling?" Miss Pauling said.
In every base there were several complicated tunnels of escape. A few of the assistants could have accessed some of the lower level entry ones, but the more complicated ones were so classified that very few ever knew about them and lived to tell.
"Are you absolutely sure?" Miss Pauling said.
"Yeah, there were wires all cut up there, bits of oil and stuff. Nothin' else could've made it, and all the guys decimated the robots that attacked the front."
She'd spent all this time trying to eliminate the mercenaries that she hadn't even gotten a chance to check into any of the higher level orderlies who hadn't been killed off yet, or any of the silent partners.
She leaned on the shovel.
It'd been expertly plotted out. A distraction to lure her in, a distraction to keep the mercenaries away, and a secret tunnel that no one but a very few ever knew about. She was getting closer, but to what, she couldn't say. A sense of impending dread came inside her.
She couldn't report to the Administrator, not like this. Perhaps she could sneak a letter in, warning he that someone close to her might be threatening her life. No, even that might be intercepted. She could only trust that anyone willing to threaten the Administrator wouldn't live long enough to regret their decision. Not even Gray Mann.
"We've got our work cut out for us. I'm going to need you around more than ever," she said.
"You say that like you could get rid of me," Scout said.
He brought out a smile in her; a singular talent of his. A play of words, a ridiculous statement, and she'd find the troubles of the day momentarily forgotten. Her own personal slice of happiness.
"I'm glad I can count on you. Really, this seems otherwise, I can barely put into words---"
"Don't worry about it, I got more than enough words to make up for it," he said. He touched her cheek and looked at her like no one else even compared. She just rested her head against his hand. Them together, the remains of her hesitance buried between them.
*
The reconstruction only lasted long enough to close up the broken barriers, the damaged system. She sunk into bed hours later, more exhausted than she could remember. She hadn't even bothered to change, just kicked off her shoes and fell into stiff sheets. She'd spent her time on changing the password to her room door, and bolting up the vents.
If a fire came, she would be locked in a furnace of her very own making. But after her stint in Respawn, she was willing to take the chance.
She heard the scuffling when she had almost fallen asleep. She jerked up, and reached through the dark for her gun. It continued, something just outside of her door. Had the security been breached again? It hadn't been enough to put her through Respawn once; Gray Mann had found out, and was out to kill her again.
She yanked open the door, a gun pointed straight to the intruder's heart. Scout's eyes widened, and he waved his hands in front of his chest.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't shoot—"
She lowered the gun. "Scout? What are you doing here?"
"I wasn't bein' a perv!" Scout protested, waving his hands over his chest in frantic motion. "I woke up from this nightmare, and I couldn't tell what was real. Did I dream you dyin', or was the part of you bein' alive a dream? So, I just wanted to make sure. 'Course you would've put the security up—that's good—but I just wanted to see for myself that you were still there. I just...couldn't take it."
"Come in," she said.
The door closed behind him. Instead of his usual bravado, he shifted from foot to foot in an awkward manner. He wasn't even looking at her—she remembered how dischelved her clothes were, revealing the low-cut mauve slip with an edge of lace she hadn't quite gotten out of yet.
"I'm out of pills," she said.
"Oh, I already took some aspirin, I don't need any, but thanks," he said.
"Birth control pills," she said.
"Whoa now, I ain't breakin' my promise," he said.
"I told you, you can drop the promise," Miss Pauling said.
"Then, I can speak? I can really speak?" His smiled returned like the sun coming out after a long winter. His gaze lingered on her lips a minute, drinking her in. But when he spoke, it was not to her face, but to the wall.
He spoke haltingly, more like he was practicing in the mirror for what to say, not speaking to her.
"—Listen, I love you more than anythin', and when you were gone—I–I didn't even know what to do. No matter what, I can't get over you and I just keep lovin' you more, until it feels like I'm goin' to burst. And—aw, fuck, I had more of this, but I—It keeps gettin' lost. This sounds like some dumb soap opera shit, but this, this is all the most real thing I've ever felt for anybody, and it ain't goin' to get like this for anyone else. I just know it. I just---this getting' through? This makin' any sense?"
"You aren't even looking at me," she said.
"It's hard– real hard– but I promised, and I don't back down on my promises," he said. "I've already gone this far, though."
Deep underwater with the world in flames above them, she'd felt a calmness and stability as the bubbles floated up between their mouths. With death and betrayal around every corner, she craved that feeling of comfort, of sureness in the midst of chaos more than ever.
She stood up on tiptoe, her hand cupping the back of his neck. "Scout, look at me."
He didn't so much gaze at her as drink her in, looking at her with a kind of tenderness and feeling that she hadn't thought him capable of. He reached out to stroke her cheek, but pulled back a second later, as if he'd felt a jolt.
"I want to woo you right off your feet. I want to romance you so much that you'll never be able to see a movie without goin' 'that ain't anythin' compared to him.' I-I'm goin' to do it all! Win you all the stuffed bears and take you dancin' all the time!"
"Once the war is over, take me somewhere nice," she said. "I'll make enough time, just take me out anywhere."
"Not anywhere. Only the best for you," he said.
"It could be the greasiest burger joint around and I'd still be happy if you were the one taking me, " she said.
He kissed her then, sudden enough to make her feel a jolt, to freeze a moment until she found herself in his arms. Shifted to fit without displacing her glasses, stood on tiptoe to better reach.
He broke away from the kiss and touched her cheek
"I wanted to do that for years and years and years! God, I can't believe that just happened! You know what I thought when I saw you?"
"Let me guess," Miss Pauling said. She mimicked a wolf whistle. "That?"
"Well, yeah. But one of the first things I noticed when I saw you here, was that you were nervous too. And I didn't feel so alone. When I first came to the battlefield, I thought I could handle it. But it was different. In Southie, sure you could get killed, but I always knew my brothers were there to back me up. I thought it was the same with the guys, but....The first time I got in a bar fight, Sniper went off and said I was being a wanker and deserved it and that I was off on my own. 'course, he'd have my back later on–he was just pissed at me for stealin' his drink– but it was a rough awakenin'. I was just tied up in knots back then, so I yelled louder and told myself I was awesome, and I became awesome. Awesomer. But then, you got better. And I thought I had to catch up. Truth is—promise you won't tell anyone?"
"I'm the best secret keeper around, even better than Spy. I'll take whatever you tell me to my grave," she said.
"Jeez, don't even say that, I dug one for you not even a day ago," Scout said.
"Sorry," she said.
"I was always the youngest and littlest. Half the time when the Dempsey boys went out, I wouldn't even get to throw a punch before it was all over. So, I decided I was goin' to be a superhero when I grew up. I started runnin', maybe fixin' to find some magic space ring or get big by a radioactive spider along the way, but I was going to be fast," he said. He chewed on his lip before continuing.
"I almost made it to college, what with the way I was workin' runnin' track, but I ended up gettin' expelled. I never gave up, and then you came and broke me out of there, and I never forgot how you looked that day. Like...a purple angel, yeah."
"I was just doing my job," Miss Pauling said.
"It meant everythin' to me," he said
"So, if you were so in love with me, then why would you chase after every girl in a fifty mile radius?"
"Babe, I'm a guy. It was over five years. What, was I supposed to be a monk, even though you wouldn't even give me the time of day? Sure, I wanted to end up with you, but I had to be practical," Scout said. He shrugged, steeped in innocence and boyish charm.
"I was too busy to give you the time of day, considering you'd take five hours to ask me it," she said.
"All right, all right, I got it...I ain't goin' after nobody else. Ever. Honest. It's a promise I'm goin' to keep for the rest of my life," he said.
"You said there weren't any pills and---"
"I'm sure we can find something to do with ourselves," she said. She tugged on his shirt, tugged him down low enough to kiss him hard enough to silence any of his worries and nervousness in the soft, urgent rhythm of her body.
*
The first light of morning coming through the rusty slats of the window. She stretched, her mind still coming into focus. His arm was slung across her waist, and she curled up closer to him. It was the first time in weeks that she'd woken up without feeling a sense of panic cutting through any moment's comfort sleep would allow.
The lock had held, no fires had come. They'd survived another day.
Even as she didn't have time, even as the mystery lay on, she had been so tired. He shifted behind her, and tightened his grip around her waist.
"With what a restless sleeper you always are, I figured I'd wake up to you kicking me," she said.
Scout yawned, and buried his face in her hair. "Don't sleep good alone."
"Ah, of course, you never want to sleep alone, I should've gathered that from all your skirtchasing," she said.
"Naah, I mean, I grew up in a small place. We didn't have room for separate rooms or anythin', not with so many of us. Got used to the sound of my brothers breathin' and snorin'. It meant everyone was alive and safe. Demo's the only one who let's me stay in his room when he's drunk enough. All I gotta do is say he vomited on my bed, and he always believes me."
"Probably think I'm a total wuss, but it ain't like that all. I'll fight a bear, I don't care, but I got fussy sleepin' habits, it ain't nothin' to do with toughness," he said.
"I'll keep your secrets, don't worry," she said with her own secret smile. A little glimmer of happiness through the dark he always managed to find for her.
He shifted, until he was resting on top of her. Forehead to forehead, his hands gently brushing through her tangled hair. When his lips met her, she sunk deep into the kiss until no problems could break her from the little bubble of this world, their bed, their lips. Nothing broke her from this soft, this calm, not even the war, or morning breath.
"You're alive, you're really still alive," he said in wonder. He rested his head against her chest, close enough to hear her heartbeat, and hear it quicken as he he traced down her hips.
"I didn't die in the night this time. ...Did you have a nightmare?" she said.
"No, but I had to be sure again. Cause I keep feelin' like I might wake up," he said.
She felt up his back, lean muscle and many scars of the years. Most of her pajamas were still on from last night, though his clothes had landed on the floor, under the bed, and somehow, the ceiling fan.
He broke the kiss just to take her in, a glance to reassure himself, thumb under her cheek. Nobody had ever looked at her like that, with such love and adoration.
For just a second longer, she entwined her fingers with his.
"We're going to have to get up soon," she said.
His response was a low sigh, then a yeah muttered under his breath. From surveillance and experience, she knew he definitely wasn't a morning person. In fact, this was the happiest she'd ever seen him this early. Apparently she made all the difference.
"When this is all over, I'm going to get some free time, even if I have to take over Australia to do so."
He laughed. "I bet you would, just walk right in there and overthrow everythin'."
"I hope you've got plenty of date plans, because I'm taking you up on your offer," she said.
"Do I! I...ain't got reservations. When I get my next paycheck, I'm takin' you on six years worth of dates."
"Hopefully not all in one day," she said, barely able to keep herself from laughing.
"Just you try me, I will date like the wind," he said.
This time she couldn't hold back her laughter. He kissed the crook of her neck, rolling off her only to kiss further down her neck, until he'd pulled her shirt down enough to suck at the hollow of her throat. She was pretty sure he'd left some marks on her in very visible places.
"I've got a suggestion: warm bed."
"You make a pretty good argument, but I've got one for you: showering and breakfast," she said.
"Hrmmm. They got appeal, I gotta admit, but warm covers are winnin'," Scout said.
"I never said I'd be showering alone," she said.
"Thought you said it was too small?" he said.
"Let's just say I'm flexible enough and willing to make it work," she said.
"Okay, you win," he said.
She stretched, and stepped down to the cold floor. In a second she'd pulled her feet back up into bed. She'd need a few more seconds before she could take metal floors on bare feet.
"By the way, my name is Sophia," she said.
"Sophia.... Sophie, I like that," Scout said. He sounded her name out for a long time, like he didn't want to stop saying it, like it was sweet on his tongue.
"But don't call me it around anyone else. Understood? I don't just share my civilian identity with anyone around here," she said.
"Just for me?" Scout said eagerly.
"Well, you're the only mercenary I told, though I wouldn't be surprised if Spy knows. He has a habit of getting into information even when I try and keep him out."
He burst into a big smile and kissed her cheek before he got out of bed. Before she knew it, he was lifting her up and carrying her towards the adjoining bathroom.
"Bein' with me means you never gotta have cold feet," he said.
"In both senses of the phrase?" she said.
"God, I hope so," Scout said.
He was all too happy to help her out of what was left of her clothes, the few he hadn't gotten to last night. She was the first one in the tiny stall.
She slicked her hair back in the lukewarm spray. The shower head was clogged with rust, enough to make the water sputter out. In the seconds that past, no regrets came, no indecision. She thought through every move like she was planning a job, but in softer tones.
The mirror was fogged up. She rung the wet out of her hair, leaving it damp and sticking to her skin. When he kissed her neck, his hands rough against her back, she knew everything she'd been missing throughout the years. A tiny ghost of loneliness hidden between long hours and the distrust that went with the job had finally been exorcised.
