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bonnefoisTitle: France Is The World's Babydaddy (or: The Problem With Being A Pimp)
Series: Hetalia
Character/pairing: France/everyone, France/Canada
Rating: PG-13?
Word count: 737
Author's note: Hetalia kink meme: France knocks up everyone. I wasn't actually going to own up to this, as I once I finished this I was all THIS IS CRAPPPPP...buuuut I was swayed by reviews.
"You have twenty messages."
"You're dead, Frenchman. You got my sister pregnant." There was a pause, and the obvious sound of a gun being cocked. "Also, I fully expect you to pay child support for the child you impregnated me with. I'll be sure to send you the bank statements to be filled before your execution."
beeep
"You bloody frog, what the hell did you do to me? I'm craving pickles and ice cream, and suddenly all my food tastes like crap. I'm going to strangle you the next time I see you."
beeep
"Ahh, France? After that little weekend, I think there's some aftereffects. Though, I always did want to be a father!"
Spain laughed. It wasn't a nervous, or strained laugh, no. He was honest-to-God happy about this.
There was a sound of the phone being wrenched away. "YOU ARE DEAD– YOU'RE WORSE THAN DEAD. YOU'LL WISH YOU WERE DEAD WHEN I'M THROUGH WITH YOU–"
There was the sound of Romano panting, and Spain getting the phone back.
"Romano is less happy about it. Especially as he's carrying too. Hormones and all–"
The phone was wrenched away again. "YOU ARE MARKED BY THE MAFIA.. JUST YOU WAIT–!"
The phone cut off, right after he heard Spain attempting to reassure Romano, and mostly failing.
France blanched. His pulse raced. And then, before he could even hear the others, they were all at the door. An angry mass of pregnant men and women, each demanding child support, food, and his head on a stick. Hungary broke down the door.
"I do this for Austria's honor!"
"You want to become one with me, da? You wouldn't want this child to be a bastard. We're going to be married, married, married!"
"Russia is supposed to be carrying my child! We are supposed to be the ones who are to be married, married married–"
Everywhere he looked there were more countries advancing on him. They were coming closer, and closer, and there was nowhere for him to run....
*
"Wake up, wake up..."
He was being shook. France rubbed at his face. There were no weapons, no angry pregnant hoards. Only Canada, and the awful room design. Kitschy and plain and far too much English influence. Really, next time he'd have to do something about it.
"A nightmare?" Canada said. He smiled, reassuringly.
"A horrible one....Oh, so many babies."
"You dreamt that you were attacked by killer babies?" Canada said, more than a little amused.
"You'd be terrified if it happened to you," France said. He stopped as a sickening realization came across him. There was a lump pressing against him. He lifted the covers with rising horror to find it wasn't a pillow between them, but Canada's rounded belly.
"Oh, nonononono....."
He nearly fell out of bed in his haste to get as far away as possible.
*
Kumajirou crawled out from Canada's pajama top. He'd taken to curling in there on cold nights.
"What's his problem?" Kumajirou said.
"I don't know," Canada sighed. "Nightmares, I guess. Really though, you shouldn't come into bed when France is here. You nearly scared him to death last time."
"Who are you again?" Kumajirou said.
"I'm Canada."
"Whoever you are, feed me. I'm hungry."
Canada sighed again and pulled himself out of bed. France would probably still be in the house somewhere. Even if he'd left, he'd have to come back for his things. He wasn't about to get across the ocean without his passport, after all. A little reassurance, some pancakes drenched in maple syrup, and everything would be alright again.
Canada was pretty sure that pancakes drenched in maple syrup were the secret to world peace, and the meaning of all existence.
He'd share the secret, but no one would listen.
--
For the record, I don't think France and Canada are in a relationship here. France just sort of gets into the bed of whoever he's staying with, and Canada is rather easy about it because he's used to France's ways. Heheh.
Series: Hetalia
Character/pairing: France/everyone, France/Canada
Rating: PG-13?
Word count: 737
Author's note: Hetalia kink meme: France knocks up everyone. I wasn't actually going to own up to this, as I once I finished this I was all THIS IS CRAPPPPP...buuuut I was swayed by reviews.
"You have twenty messages."
"You're dead, Frenchman. You got my sister pregnant." There was a pause, and the obvious sound of a gun being cocked. "Also, I fully expect you to pay child support for the child you impregnated me with. I'll be sure to send you the bank statements to be filled before your execution."
beeep
"You bloody frog, what the hell did you do to me? I'm craving pickles and ice cream, and suddenly all my food tastes like crap. I'm going to strangle you the next time I see you."
beeep
"Ahh, France? After that little weekend, I think there's some aftereffects. Though, I always did want to be a father!"
Spain laughed. It wasn't a nervous, or strained laugh, no. He was honest-to-God happy about this.
There was a sound of the phone being wrenched away. "YOU ARE DEAD– YOU'RE WORSE THAN DEAD. YOU'LL WISH YOU WERE DEAD WHEN I'M THROUGH WITH YOU–"
There was the sound of Romano panting, and Spain getting the phone back.
"Romano is less happy about it. Especially as he's carrying too. Hormones and all–"
The phone was wrenched away again. "YOU ARE MARKED BY THE MAFIA.. JUST YOU WAIT–!"
The phone cut off, right after he heard Spain attempting to reassure Romano, and mostly failing.
France blanched. His pulse raced. And then, before he could even hear the others, they were all at the door. An angry mass of pregnant men and women, each demanding child support, food, and his head on a stick. Hungary broke down the door.
"I do this for Austria's honor!"
"You want to become one with me, da? You wouldn't want this child to be a bastard. We're going to be married, married, married!"
"Russia is supposed to be carrying my child! We are supposed to be the ones who are to be married, married married–"
Everywhere he looked there were more countries advancing on him. They were coming closer, and closer, and there was nowhere for him to run....
*
"Wake up, wake up..."
He was being shook. France rubbed at his face. There were no weapons, no angry pregnant hoards. Only Canada, and the awful room design. Kitschy and plain and far too much English influence. Really, next time he'd have to do something about it.
"A nightmare?" Canada said. He smiled, reassuringly.
"A horrible one....Oh, so many babies."
"You dreamt that you were attacked by killer babies?" Canada said, more than a little amused.
"You'd be terrified if it happened to you," France said. He stopped as a sickening realization came across him. There was a lump pressing against him. He lifted the covers with rising horror to find it wasn't a pillow between them, but Canada's rounded belly.
"Oh, nonononono....."
He nearly fell out of bed in his haste to get as far away as possible.
*
Kumajirou crawled out from Canada's pajama top. He'd taken to curling in there on cold nights.
"What's his problem?" Kumajirou said.
"I don't know," Canada sighed. "Nightmares, I guess. Really though, you shouldn't come into bed when France is here. You nearly scared him to death last time."
"Who are you again?" Kumajirou said.
"I'm Canada."
"Whoever you are, feed me. I'm hungry."
Canada sighed again and pulled himself out of bed. France would probably still be in the house somewhere. Even if he'd left, he'd have to come back for his things. He wasn't about to get across the ocean without his passport, after all. A little reassurance, some pancakes drenched in maple syrup, and everything would be alright again.
Canada was pretty sure that pancakes drenched in maple syrup were the secret to world peace, and the meaning of all existence.
He'd share the secret, but no one would listen.
--
For the record, I don't think France and Canada are in a relationship here. France just sort of gets into the bed of whoever he's staying with, and Canada is rather easy about it because he's used to France's ways. Heheh.
