fic: Through
Dec. 13th, 2022 03:02 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bonnefoisTitle: Through
Series: FE4/5 Jugdral / FEH
Character/pairing: Reinhardt/Ishtar
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Ishtar comes to Askr, but when she reunites with Julius, it does not go as she would like. Ishtar picks up the pieces of her former relationship, her life, and relies on her guard more than ever as she tries to find a new way in life.
Word count: 6,030
Author's note:
I want Ishtar Hurt/comfort and her to comforted for a massive amount. Maybe wrapped in blankets too.
This Julius is just Loptous, no Julius left. It's the Julius that Loptous took full control of and remained completely corrupted.
"Lady Ishtar, what's wrong?" Tine said.
She was paler than ever, and in a numb stupor as she returned to the gates of Askr.
"Are you hurt?"
She looked up in a daze.
"I..."
She glanced down to he hands.
"I finally...caught up with Lord Julius. And he said he had no use for a failure like me, that--"
She broke off now.
"I'm sorry. I won't bore y-you w-with such things. Please excuse me. I need to be alone."
Tine's hands fell to her sides. She looked to Reinhardt, who had remained silent. He watched her go, his hands clenched at his sides.
"I-I'll go get my mother. She might know what to do," Tine said.
Reinhardt nodded, still not fully able to form words with how hard his jaw clenched.
*
Tine was at a loss. She'd sought the council of her mother, and Olwen who she'd become quite close to as of late. They had holed up in a part of the library, with old books of all kinds all around them.
"I've never been in a relationship before. I don't know what to do or how to make this better," Tine said.
"I never had my feelings returned for Father Claud, but it was just a crush. And your father and I were very happy together then. And we've been reunited here in Askr," Tailtiu said.
"I've never even had a lover. Though..." Olwen blushed. "I-It's not like I have someone in mind!"
And Reinhardt, of course. Reinhardt had always been kind to Tine when few in House Friege were. He'd done everything he could to protect her. And he knew Princess Ishtar best.
"There isn't simply a flask of potion you can take for heartbreak. She'll simply have to heal on her own," Reinhardt said.
"You're really so calm about this, brother," Olwen said.
"You misunderstand me. If the contracts did not bind me, I would have a talk with Julius," Reinhardt said. His voice was full of a low anger. And his eyes, dark and flashing with barely contained rage.
But, he took a breath and calmed himself.
"However, I cannot let my anger get the better of me. The best we can do is support her. And know that she may wish to be alone in her grieving. ...She has much to grieve for."
And they fell silent at that. Ishtar had lost so much. And now she'd lost even more.
*
Her head felt like she'd drank too much wine, like it'd split in two. But it was from the sheer amount of her sorrow and how much she'd cried last night.
After everything, she was alone, now wasn't she? She'd come to this world, this purgatory and reunited with Julius, only to find he didn't care for her any longer. He cast her aside like refuse.
He'd said she was a failure, that he had no need for a lover. That all he needed now was to restore the Loptyrian empire and ruin the world about him. His red eyes had been wild, full of unhinged power. And the magic about him was deep and dark and rose like flames about him.
Ishtore and Liza had not come to this place. Tine, she could barely face. And Reinhardt...just thinking of him made her hurt.
She heard he was happy here. The people of Askr spoke well of him.
A knock at her door. The last thing she wanted was to get up. It was past noon; she'd cried most of the night. After the tears was a horrible numbness and silence.
There would be no happy ending for her and Lord Julius. It didn't matter how kind she was to him, how much she loved him or tried to save him. He didn't want her any longer.
His voice was strange, his magic strange, and when he looked to her, his eyes were so cold. She didn't recognize the Julius she saw here in Askr, anymore than she recognized the man he had become. One who had ordered such cruelties, that the Julius she loved would never have even thought of.
She hadn't even changed from her dress last night. She was rumbled, tangled, with red-rimmed eyes. It hardly mattered, now did it?
Reinhardt was upon her doorstep. Tall, imposing, handsome and the very epitome of what a knight should be. His white gloves were spotless, his dark robes without even a single bloodstain. Even if she had thought that he was better off without her here, he had sought her out. Never demanding, even after it had been Julius she had searched for so fruitlessly, so desperately.
"You missed breakfast," Reinhardt said.
"Yes...I will rise and fight," she said hollowly.
She glanced down, unable to meet his eyes. Not with the weight of the guilt she still carried.
Fighting was all she was good at any longer. Bandits and brigands of all kinds would feel her wrath. And for what? It wouldn't be enough to atone, but...
"Are you sure you're well enough to fight?" Reinhardt said.
"I...didn't sleep well," she admitted.
"I must apologize to Commander Anna for my late arrival."
"Commander Anna didn't send me. I came myself because I was concerned."
"You needn't worry I will be..."
Not fine, not all right. She couldn't think of a word.
"I'll live," she said. Except it came out bitter. She'd still live even though she'd tried to escape this pain. And new pain added to it.
That she'd stayed so long, she'd tried so hard and....
And.....
"I brought you food. In case you didn't feel well enough to join the rest. I wanted to make sure you didn't forget to eat."
He knew her too well. There was a pause. A distance between them, caused by herself. She hated it. She had no one but herself to blame.
It didn't matter that Julius had forced her hand, threatened to kill him. Ishtar had sent Reinhardt to his death in the end. And that was something she'd have to live with for the rest of her...call it an existence. Not quite a life.
"It's regrettable to be the one to tell you this, but someone should. Perhaps you should speak to Julia."
The last thing she wanted to do was visit people. She couldn't put on a happy face. After everything, Julius didn't even want her anymore. He cast her aside like she was common refuse.
"He had strange magic about him, he stayed in a cave....Was it truly Julius?"
She had to say the words aloud, even though she knew Reinhardt didn't wish to speak of Julius. They'd never liked each other, even when Julius wasn't quite so...cruel.
"Julius...he was the vessel of Loptous. The one you knew, it was not Julius. He was possessed. I learned this after I came to Askr. It certainly helped clarify what had happened to Jugdral."
Every action, every cold glance, every horrific action she couldn't take or fathom...that wasn't Julius, but a creature wearing his face as a mask?
Then, she had even more to grieve for. Losing Julius, the kind Julius, the true Julius all over again.
"I...see..." she said.
"Do you wish for company, or to be left to yourself?"
She looked up. His face was kind. There was no sharpness in his words. He was simply giving her a choice.
"I fear I would not be good company now. Perhaps I need a moment to myself," she said.
"If you will it, I will go. But I will check upon you every day to see how you are. I cannot simply walk away and leave you alone in this."
"Ah...thank you, Reinhardt."
It was more than she deserved. She knew she needed this, but as the door closed behind him, she already missed him.
*
It came in stages. At times she would feel deep rage at Julius, then guilt. It was a tug of war.
-She should've left long ago. When he first began to be cruel. Even more when he turned that cruelty upon her, and lied to her even as she knew he lied. Said how could you think such a thing of me? Even as later, he flaunted his harvests. Pulled her into them. As if he'd never said those words, tried to convince her she was wrong entirely about what the hunts were.
-She should've loved him harder. Hard enough to bring her Julius back and beat back the creature which became his puppeteer.
-She'd tried that. It hadn't worked.
-She should've....
-She could've....
-She....
It all came back to fate. Twisted, and terrible fate. Julius was the blood of Maera. Julius was the sacrifice upon the altar. Julius was the Scion of Darkness.
And there was nothing she could do about it.
*
When she wasn't fighting, Ishtar returned to her small room. Stony walls, no decoration. It was fairly cold. Reinhardt had brought her extra blankets just for that reason.
He always thought of her.
"Can we speak?"
Julia came inside the door. Her long hair, so like Deirdre's, went all the way down her back in loose waves. She wore loose robes of such a pale white. She wore a circlet of Naga, from Deirdre herself.
Ishtar hadn't seen her since they were both children. One day, she had suddenly disappeared. And that was when Julius began to change.
"Tine told me. We've become friends, Tine and I."
"I'm glad she's found friends," Ishtar said softly.
"She's endured so much. Losing her mother like that, to Queen Hilda's cruelty."
Was she merely naive, or blind to those around her? Ishtar hadn't seen the signs that her mother was capable of such things until at Miletos, she herself was brought into the hunts. Excepted to join them as Julius's lover.
And even though she'd vocally opposed the hunts, and tried to convince Julius himself, she'd done it. She'd dirtied her hands. And then she'd betrayed Julius and taken the children back, what she could save.
No wonder Julius didn't wish to see her any longer.
"My brother died that night. When a dark black tome was given to him.What stood before us, was not Julius. There was a force of such magic....it killed mother. She used her last bit of power to warp me away, but I lost my memories for such a long time."
"He killed his own mother..." Ishtar echoed.
Julia nodded.
"I miss Julius every day. Nobody else understands. When they hear of him, they know only fear. It's such a sad fate. To be devoured by the dragon so completely that even in Askr he could not be saved," Julia said.
It only left her more numb. There'd never been any hope at all.
"I guess, it's good to know someone else still remembers him. The Julius that was."
The Julius she had loved.
Julia nodded. And in that moment, they shared the same pain and grief over a boy devoured by a dragon so whole that not even death had freed him.
*
Had there been moments of tenderness? He'd saved her, yes. But then he'd saved Arion, called him useful.
She second guessed every moment now. Had that been Julius? Was Julia right in that Julius had been lost all along, and she'd been merely toyed with by some horrible entity for unknown reasons?
Ishtar couldn't tell.
In the end was every moment of affection merely the thing controlling Julius finding her useful? If so, then why oh why had she been forced to give up Reinhardt as she did? Why did the creature that took Julius feel so threatened, why did it isolate her? Why did it lie to her, tear her down until she was numb?
Was it Julius who spoke when he threatened to kill Reinhardt, then spoke of how lovely she was? Words that left her utterly numb, and untouched even by such affection.
Why did love hurt so and leave her empty? Why couldn't she find peace even in this place after life? Like nothing of the promises of some kind of paradise. A world of endless war.
Was it fate of uncaring gods in the end?
*
Food was tasteless. She turned aside from the flowers of spring. It didn't matter. Nothing did.
She fought. She lived. She took what little sustenance she needed and would work herself to exhaustion every single day. Whatever ground she'd gained had been lost the moment she finally found Julius and saw nothing but hatred and bloodlust in his eyes.
Reinhardt brought her food.
He didn't demand conversation. She could barely look him in the eye, after what she'd done. But she was too exhausted to mend things. If they even could be mended.
Day after day, he came back. That gave her some sort of hope past the exhaustion. For what it was worth.
What brought him back to her, she couldn't say. Loyalty? Pity? Something more?
Perhaps he was kinder than even she gave him credit for.
He took the dishes after she was done, to be returned to the kitchens and washed. It was cold for Spring. She barely noticed.
Reinhardt pulled off his cloak and put it about her shoulders.
"Stay warm," he said.
"See you tomorrow."
She watched him go. Wrapped in his cloak. She buried her face against the collar and remembered a time when there was no war. When Reinhardt was always with her, and the world was full of happiness and beauty.
Dances and parties spent with Reinhardt by her side, in her arms as they took a dance. Once, he'd been her closest ally, her right hand man, her sword.
How long ago it seemed.
*
When she was around Reinhardt, she felt a little spark of her older life.
Ishtar wanted to be alone, and yet she feared the complete solitude where she was left with only her regrets and the terrifying memories of the past. Reinhardt was a compromise. She never had to put on a false face around him; He knew her too well and would notice in an instant. And his comfort was soft and undemanding.
He didn't make her come out to whatever festivals happened in Askr. He checked in on her, made sure she ate and always kept her warm.
And seeing him left her with an inner warmth, too. She'd smile softly and feel as if for that moment, the sadness had been pushed aside. As if a candle had been lit and the darkness pushed back.
She didn't have it within her for joy or idle talks. Ishtar still had so much to fix.
She begun to throw herself in battle once again. Reinhardt ensured that she never pushed herself too far.
Reinhardt protected and guarded her, even when she'd let him go. And he did not demand apologies, or retribution.
He simply showed up, and ensured she knew some happiness.
*
Tine, Olwen and Julia had stayed away during her absence. Perhaps Reinhardt had requested it, or they had simply sensed she needed time.
However, now Julia was at her doorstep.
"I wanted to see you."
"Yes...how have you been?"
Her voice came out flat. She had little energy for genteel behavior. Mother would be appalled.
"I was spending time with Seliph. It's good to see family. We never knew we were related until later. I lost one brother, but gained another," Julia said.
"Yes....I am glad to hear it."
Her voice was even more empty this time.
"...Sorry, I didn't mean to rub salt in the wound. I know your brother has not been summoned yet. I hope he will soon."
"No...Seliph seems kind. It is a shame we ended up on the opposite side. We...shared the same goals. Had things been different, we could've been allies."
And how many times had she said this. About Tine, about others. Herself, as she questioned how she could be on the side of those slaughtering innocent children.
And for love, all for love. A love which left her wrung out and empty, destroyed and alone. With nothing left, as even Julius--whatever was left of him past Loptous--no longer loved her.
Once, rage and sorrow had comingled within her towards the army which had taken her brother and his lover away from her. Now, she was wrung out. Too tired to fight this battle too.
"Tine and Olwen ask about you often. They worry about you, but understand that you wish to be mostly alone," Julia said.
She nodded. "I am grateful. Right now I am not much for company."
"I'm glad you have Reinhardt to care for you."
"I do not know what compels him to continue here after what I did. But...I suppose I am glad for it," she said,
"He loves you. He always has. I always knew, even then," Julia said.
"Even...then? We knew each other as children."
Julia nodded serenely.
"I could see it in his eyes. And I still do."
Those were the words Julius had said. I'd pluck out his eyes. The memory still burned within her.
"Are you quite certain?"
"Yes," Julia said. "You did not know?"
"Lord Julius...he was jealous of Reinhardt. It was why I had to send Reinhardt away. But, by then, he had become paranoid and lashed out at people constantly. I...did not linger upon the accusation that Reinhardt had feelings for me. It was not the first time Julius had made such an accusation."
Julius, or the creature that devoured him. She couldn't say who said those words to her. Only that they had led to Reinhardt dying in the end. Not by Julius's hand, but in battle at the River Thracia.
"You need time to think on this, I see," Julia said.
"Yes, I do...thank you for being so understanding," Ishtar said.
"I must go. But I wish you well," Julia said.
And Julia left so serenely, like her words hadn't put a crack down the side of Ishtar's entire life.
Every memory, every moment. Reinhardt had loved her then? He loved her as he was always close her, to what must've been agony to be so near and yet so far to her? Loved her as she became Julius's lover. Loved her as she cast him away.
Oh, the guilt began anew.
The memory was sharp. There was no good way to put it. That he had to leave her side after so many years of faithful service.
Now, as she remembered the memory she didn't want to revisit, she could see the pain in his dark eyes again. And she knew now that she had broken his heart completely as she told him with a shaking voice that he needn't worry, Julius would keep her safe now.
How hadn't she seen it? Julius had. She'd dismissed his concerns. It was a sign of his growing descent to darkness, how he had lashed out at Reinhardt again and again. Until he threatened to kill him. Until she had to keep him away.
And Julius--Loptous--ensured she had no one. No retainer would be safe, so she kept them at a distance. She let herself slowly become completely isolated, until there was nothing but Julius. Or she should say, nothing but Loptous. Which was what the plan had been.
Memories of her love were clouded by the points where she couldn't tell the beast from Julius any longer.
*
She could barely meet his eyes when he came to meet her the next morning. She had years upon years of heartbreak to mend. A simple sorry could not suffice.
He considered her with dark, inscrutable eyes.
"You know," he said.
He'd figured out her in a second, without even asking. Reinhardt knew her that well.
She did not wish to cause any strife between them. A bond of friendship had sprung up between Olwen, Tine, Julia, and Reinhardt.
And Reinhardt and Olwen had only just made up. The last thing she wanted to do was put another wedge between them as well.
She only knew from others, the great war between the siblings. Reinhardt refused to join the Liberation Army, and had died on that battlefield rather than leave Friege. It'd taken quite a while in Askr for them to reconcile.
And she knew it, knew it without him ever saying. That she was the reason why he had taken this path.
"I....figured it out."
"...None of this was an overture. I've long ago accepted that you will never love me back. It doesn't make the feelings go away. But, it doesn't matter. I've long learned to live with this. And I'll still be here. I wish only for your happiness. And I would do what I can to ensure that."
"I've hurt you. I've hurt you so much. And I'm so very sorry," Ishtar said. Pain filled her voice completely.
"It would be best to forget you ever realized this. Go back to what it was."
"That would mean you would be hurt over and over by my unthinking selfishness," she said.
"No," he said simply.
"B-But..."
"I never told you because I knew you didn't feel the same. And that is fine. They are my feelings and I shall live with them."
His voice showed past the professionalism, the calm to hint at the pain he'd felt over the years. Loving her while being her closest confidante and protector. Loving her and watching her be in love with Julius. Loving her and watching her drown in sorrow as Julius began his descent.
"How long?"
"Since we were both children. I have never loved another as I have loved you."
"I'm sorry..."
"Don't be," Reinhardt said quickly.
He turned away to stir the tea he had brought with her food. He always took such care to make the food come perfectly just as she liked it. He memorized her preferences, and lavished them upon her every day.
And in her state of utmost grief, she could barely even enjoy the effort he made for her.
"I should like to serve you once again. Think upon it."
"After how I dismissed you, how I treated you, how I unknowingly hurt you all these years, And you..."
She realized then, Reinhardt was used to feeling pain being near her. How painful it must've been, and how he endured it because he loved her deeper than he feared the ache of never being loved back by her.
She said the words. They came out hollow. How Julius had wanted him dead. How she'd had to talk down his sentence. He said nothing. Perhaps the explanation didn't already matter, because he'd already forgiven her. Or never held the grudge to begin with.
"It changes nothing. I'd wish to keep you safe, and do what I can to bring back your joy."
At the cost of his own, she knew now. She'd always relied on him, kept close to him and trusted him. And she'd never thought of such a dire cost it was upon him. That somewhere along the way, Reinhardt had fallen in love with her.
"I'm no one's liege any longer. No princess, no ruler. Just another soldier in a strange land."
"Even after everything I've done, you should hate me, but you don't. And I'm very grateful for it, for your presence has been such a great comfort to me. If you were to come back as my knight, I would have nothing to give you. Nothing but myself."
"That's all I've wanted," he said.
"I shall think upon it. I have much to think about."
"I see. I'll be here tomorrow," Reinhardt said.
As he went, she sat down on the bed, all she could think of was she'd hurt her closest confidante again. Because Reinhardt had, despite everything, stepped back to the bond of trust they once had. Even knowing how much he could get hurt.
This was how much he loved her.
*
Ishtar knew she should stay away. Or would that hurt him more?
If she stayed near, she'd hurt him. If she stayed away, she would hurt him. And even more, the thought of taking this one bit of comfort, in being close to Reinhardt made her feel like what little joy she had left in this life.
What choice was right? The one which made her feel like the last joy was snuffed out from her life, like a candle flame gone, or the one where she felt the ache that she was constantly hurting him?
Ishtar didn't know.
He came the next day, and the next day, and the next day, as promised. It was too comforting to let go.
She knew he wouldn't want it anyways. Reinhardt would rather endure the pain of being beside her than the pain of being apart from her.
*
Months passed, and she slowly came back.
When did it happen that she came, returned? When she walked with Reinhardt and her thought was not on the past, but the present? When she fell asleep and his name in her mind, and when she woke she thought of him first, not Julius.
And through it all, this was like waking up from a haze. She realized her hair was tangled, her clothes rumpled. Ishtar settled in for a bath and began to rejuvenate and care for herself beyond pushing her body to the utter brink in battle.
She'd neglected herself entirely. Ishtar would fight until she was sore, until her dresses were ripped, until she hardly resembled a Princess of House Friege. Her beauty had done nothing but cause her unhappiness in the end. But today, she primped and left herself sweet smelling, neat, even lovely.
But, as she tied her ponytail, it came to her.
Would Reinhardt like this dress?
She frowned at the thought, so unexpected. She'd thought very little of beauty as of late. The flowers in her hair had wilted. The braids had come undone.
But, she already knew the answer. Of course he would. He'd think her beautiful and inspiring even in a rough-hewn dress made of feed bags, covered with mud and dirt. She smiled at the thought.
She'd forgotten what it was to be happy. It was a welcome surprise to know she could still feel this lightness.
*
Reinhardt was quite the influential, reliable person here in Askr. In fact, she often heard mentions of people from other worlds who he helped organize, or train.
She caught sight of him ahead of her. Reinhardt wasn't alone.
Reinhardt leaned in. She didn't know this woman. She was from another world, some mage of great renown. Older, another part of his most recent team? Was this woman in love with Reinhardt? Was Reinhardt slowly falling in love with someone else.
She felt an icy grip on her chest. Reinhardt loved her once, but did he love her still? Would admitting his feelings make him finally give up on her?
*
A new day, and Reinhardt had brought her food. She hadn't joined the others for food in quite some time. She hadn't spoken to Tine, Olwen or Julia. She only hoped they didn't think it was them--it was the weight of the grief.
Reinhardt stayed, even if she was poor company. Even if she'd broken his heart so many times before.
He stayed.
"How is this recipe?" Reinhardt said.
"It's quite good. My compliments to the chef. I'll have to tell them next time I am in the kitchens," she said.
"You've already told them."
"You made it yourself? I thought you were simply bringing me my rations," she said.
He smiled. "Was it to your liking?"
"Yes, you're a good cook."
Her spoon fell to the side of the bowl. Was this a sign? Was she trying to read tea leaves or in the stars, for some desperate hope that he still loved her?
And how could she say this--To ask if he still loved her? If they might just be a possibility.
She didn't say the words. Not then. But they were behind every thought that maybe, he no longer loved her. And that the thought for some reason filled her with such sadness.
*
"You're finally back!"
Tine rose up from her seat and rushed to greet her. Her pigtails bobbed as she did. Tailtiu had braided flowers into them.
"I'm sorry for being away. I needed time to...heal," Ishtar said.
It'd been months since then. Months where everything seemed gray and she simply was a mechanical, muted life. She ate, she killed, she protected, she returned to her rooms.
And through it all, Reinhardt was there.
"The Day of Devotion will come soon," Tine said.
Tine explained the meaning of the festival to her.
"You'd give flowers to those most dear to you?"
"A lover?" Ishtar said.
"Family members too," Tine said. "But, yes, some people give flowers to whomever they love."
"I'll get one for my mother. A-and....um, never mind."
Ishtar looked curiously at Tine, whose cheeks had turned quite red. She smiled. Tine had a crush. How sweet.
"I'm sure whoever you choose would be very grateful to accept such a gift."
"I hope so."
"What about you? Do you feel well enough to visit?"
"I shall try, I think," Ishtar said.
Already in her mind she thought of the flowers. And she knew exactly who would receive them. Because the thought had begun to solidify in her slowly. The warmth of his presence, the way she awaited him, needed him.
She'd almost said this many times, and now more than even she needed to tell him.
*
The flower sellers had already begun to stock them in preparation for the gifts to come. Askr got ready for events days in advance, for they truly threw themselves wholeheartedly into joyful festivals.
Whole wooden buckets of flowers kept in water were prepared in stalls at the marketplace.
She considered the flowers, and remembered the language each flower could contain hidden within. Yellow flowers, lovely as they happened to be, were fraught with dangerous meanings. Of jealousy and anger and rejection and bitterness.
How sad, the flowers hardly deserved such a fate.
Irises had such a lovely scent. And the meaning came to her. Your friendship means so much to me. The dark pink rose meant thankfulness.
She caught the scents, the faint touch of the petals to her fingertips as she brought them up and inspected the flowers. It had to be just right.
But, there was so much to say. Gratitude that Reinhardt had never given up on her, that he supported her even now, after all she'd done. Happiness that he was in her life, to all he had done. His friendship and support, even when it was painful to be near her.
Fern meant magic, fascination, confidence, and shelter. She took a curled stalk full of small leaves in hand.
And...the warmth that she felt around him. That the more her grief lifted, the more she noticed.
Ishtar's cheeks heated as she thought of how it would be, to be on his doorstep with a bouquet of flowers. With so much to say, to convey and when words failed her.
A single red rose. That meant I love you. She blushed and turned away from that. Her heartbeat skipped at the thought.
She came across the tiny blue flowers of the Forget-Me-Not. And the meaning was clear. True love, and memories.
Once the festival came, she would find flowers of friendship for Julia, for Tine and Olwen who had been supportive and understanding, even as they gave her the space she needed to heal.
But, it was Reinhardt she had to reach first. She couldn't wait until the festival, she couldn't wait a single other day.
Even though the festival hadn't come yet, she took the blue flowers in hand as this time, she came to Reinhardt's door.
So often he had reached out and asked nothing of her.
*
Ishtar stood outside her once and future knight's rooms. He let her in, worry creasing over his face.
"Is something the matter?"
"I...know the hour is late. I wanted to speak to you immediately about something...important."
He glanced down the hall. He was guarding her still.
"...Come in."
Reinhardt's room was quite small. Most of the barracks were. Any decorations would have to be purchased themselves, and Reinhardt hadn't bothered. A weapon rack and bookcase were over the stone walls. The bed was neatly made, the hearth recently stoked.
It was also immaculately clean, just as pristine and spotless as Reinhardt's white gloves.
In her hands, the little blue flowers curled with a fern.
"You thought I needed a vase of flowers?"
"Memories," he said.
"Yes, that was the meaning."
But, only partly. She didn't speak aloud the other. Not yet.
"Was it agony, to be by my side?"
"No. Only agony to be parted."
"I see..."
"What I wanted to say was how grateful I am that you have shown me such utmost kindness. I am beginning to adjust here, and to even feel joy at times. And much of that is because you reached out to me."
But, as she was here, with blue flowers in hand, she knew what had been slowly coming to her as came out of the state of grief. That she looked forward to when he came, that he could warm any day and comfort her with just a word. That she wanted him by her side whatever the future held for them.
Her knight, so handsome and kind, so strong and powerful. How even when she thought Julius rejecting her would destroy everything, Reinhardt had been there for her. And as she healed, love had grown when she thought she'd never feel this way again.
"Even after we had such...a rough final parting. You forgave me without even a word. I think I have begun to fall in love with you. No, that's wrong. I know it."
He didn't speak. She continued on.
"...I think of you when I wake and when I go to sleep. When you come to visit me, I feel such joy I thought I had lost the capability to ever know again. When I try on dresses I wonder what you would think of them, if you would find me lovely in them. I saw you speaking to another woman and yet I had no right to be, the thought of you loving another left me with such a pain. A pain I deserved, still..."
His gaze was so intense. She was quickly enclosed in a warm, strong embrace. Her hand curled, held up at the sudden heat of his lips on hers. Years of restrained passion cracking open in that moment. Ishtar had never been kissed like this, with desperation and intense passion and longing. She reached out and bunched his black robes with her hand.
A kiss like this made the world feel like it tilted. She came up for breath in a slight daze. Her lips--and more--still tingled from the heat of him.
"My apologies, I should've asked," Reinhardt said. His voice gone hoarse with desire.
"No, I wanted you to. Very much."
"I'm so very sorry for how long I hurt you and how long it took me to get to this moment. But, I do...love you. I...hope in Askr we can have another chance for what was lost in Jugdral."
"Yes, I hope to be by your side here as well as long as I draw breath."
She settled in close to him. Whatever horrors her past had held, she'd gone through it. Now, she held a tentative hope for a future with Reinhardt, and happiness found once again.
Series: FE4/5 Jugdral / FEH
Character/pairing: Reinhardt/Ishtar
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Ishtar comes to Askr, but when she reunites with Julius, it does not go as she would like. Ishtar picks up the pieces of her former relationship, her life, and relies on her guard more than ever as she tries to find a new way in life.
Word count: 6,030
Author's note:
I want Ishtar Hurt/comfort and her to comforted for a massive amount. Maybe wrapped in blankets too.
This Julius is just Loptous, no Julius left. It's the Julius that Loptous took full control of and remained completely corrupted.
"Lady Ishtar, what's wrong?" Tine said.
She was paler than ever, and in a numb stupor as she returned to the gates of Askr.
"Are you hurt?"
She looked up in a daze.
"I..."
She glanced down to he hands.
"I finally...caught up with Lord Julius. And he said he had no use for a failure like me, that--"
She broke off now.
"I'm sorry. I won't bore y-you w-with such things. Please excuse me. I need to be alone."
Tine's hands fell to her sides. She looked to Reinhardt, who had remained silent. He watched her go, his hands clenched at his sides.
"I-I'll go get my mother. She might know what to do," Tine said.
Reinhardt nodded, still not fully able to form words with how hard his jaw clenched.
*
Tine was at a loss. She'd sought the council of her mother, and Olwen who she'd become quite close to as of late. They had holed up in a part of the library, with old books of all kinds all around them.
"I've never been in a relationship before. I don't know what to do or how to make this better," Tine said.
"I never had my feelings returned for Father Claud, but it was just a crush. And your father and I were very happy together then. And we've been reunited here in Askr," Tailtiu said.
"I've never even had a lover. Though..." Olwen blushed. "I-It's not like I have someone in mind!"
And Reinhardt, of course. Reinhardt had always been kind to Tine when few in House Friege were. He'd done everything he could to protect her. And he knew Princess Ishtar best.
"There isn't simply a flask of potion you can take for heartbreak. She'll simply have to heal on her own," Reinhardt said.
"You're really so calm about this, brother," Olwen said.
"You misunderstand me. If the contracts did not bind me, I would have a talk with Julius," Reinhardt said. His voice was full of a low anger. And his eyes, dark and flashing with barely contained rage.
But, he took a breath and calmed himself.
"However, I cannot let my anger get the better of me. The best we can do is support her. And know that she may wish to be alone in her grieving. ...She has much to grieve for."
And they fell silent at that. Ishtar had lost so much. And now she'd lost even more.
*
Her head felt like she'd drank too much wine, like it'd split in two. But it was from the sheer amount of her sorrow and how much she'd cried last night.
After everything, she was alone, now wasn't she? She'd come to this world, this purgatory and reunited with Julius, only to find he didn't care for her any longer. He cast her aside like refuse.
He'd said she was a failure, that he had no need for a lover. That all he needed now was to restore the Loptyrian empire and ruin the world about him. His red eyes had been wild, full of unhinged power. And the magic about him was deep and dark and rose like flames about him.
Ishtore and Liza had not come to this place. Tine, she could barely face. And Reinhardt...just thinking of him made her hurt.
She heard he was happy here. The people of Askr spoke well of him.
A knock at her door. The last thing she wanted was to get up. It was past noon; she'd cried most of the night. After the tears was a horrible numbness and silence.
There would be no happy ending for her and Lord Julius. It didn't matter how kind she was to him, how much she loved him or tried to save him. He didn't want her any longer.
His voice was strange, his magic strange, and when he looked to her, his eyes were so cold. She didn't recognize the Julius she saw here in Askr, anymore than she recognized the man he had become. One who had ordered such cruelties, that the Julius she loved would never have even thought of.
She hadn't even changed from her dress last night. She was rumbled, tangled, with red-rimmed eyes. It hardly mattered, now did it?
Reinhardt was upon her doorstep. Tall, imposing, handsome and the very epitome of what a knight should be. His white gloves were spotless, his dark robes without even a single bloodstain. Even if she had thought that he was better off without her here, he had sought her out. Never demanding, even after it had been Julius she had searched for so fruitlessly, so desperately.
"You missed breakfast," Reinhardt said.
"Yes...I will rise and fight," she said hollowly.
She glanced down, unable to meet his eyes. Not with the weight of the guilt she still carried.
Fighting was all she was good at any longer. Bandits and brigands of all kinds would feel her wrath. And for what? It wouldn't be enough to atone, but...
"Are you sure you're well enough to fight?" Reinhardt said.
"I...didn't sleep well," she admitted.
"I must apologize to Commander Anna for my late arrival."
"Commander Anna didn't send me. I came myself because I was concerned."
"You needn't worry I will be..."
Not fine, not all right. She couldn't think of a word.
"I'll live," she said. Except it came out bitter. She'd still live even though she'd tried to escape this pain. And new pain added to it.
That she'd stayed so long, she'd tried so hard and....
And.....
"I brought you food. In case you didn't feel well enough to join the rest. I wanted to make sure you didn't forget to eat."
He knew her too well. There was a pause. A distance between them, caused by herself. She hated it. She had no one but herself to blame.
It didn't matter that Julius had forced her hand, threatened to kill him. Ishtar had sent Reinhardt to his death in the end. And that was something she'd have to live with for the rest of her...call it an existence. Not quite a life.
"It's regrettable to be the one to tell you this, but someone should. Perhaps you should speak to Julia."
The last thing she wanted to do was visit people. She couldn't put on a happy face. After everything, Julius didn't even want her anymore. He cast her aside like she was common refuse.
"He had strange magic about him, he stayed in a cave....Was it truly Julius?"
She had to say the words aloud, even though she knew Reinhardt didn't wish to speak of Julius. They'd never liked each other, even when Julius wasn't quite so...cruel.
"Julius...he was the vessel of Loptous. The one you knew, it was not Julius. He was possessed. I learned this after I came to Askr. It certainly helped clarify what had happened to Jugdral."
Every action, every cold glance, every horrific action she couldn't take or fathom...that wasn't Julius, but a creature wearing his face as a mask?
Then, she had even more to grieve for. Losing Julius, the kind Julius, the true Julius all over again.
"I...see..." she said.
"Do you wish for company, or to be left to yourself?"
She looked up. His face was kind. There was no sharpness in his words. He was simply giving her a choice.
"I fear I would not be good company now. Perhaps I need a moment to myself," she said.
"If you will it, I will go. But I will check upon you every day to see how you are. I cannot simply walk away and leave you alone in this."
"Ah...thank you, Reinhardt."
It was more than she deserved. She knew she needed this, but as the door closed behind him, she already missed him.
*
It came in stages. At times she would feel deep rage at Julius, then guilt. It was a tug of war.
-She should've left long ago. When he first began to be cruel. Even more when he turned that cruelty upon her, and lied to her even as she knew he lied. Said how could you think such a thing of me? Even as later, he flaunted his harvests. Pulled her into them. As if he'd never said those words, tried to convince her she was wrong entirely about what the hunts were.
-She should've loved him harder. Hard enough to bring her Julius back and beat back the creature which became his puppeteer.
-She'd tried that. It hadn't worked.
-She should've....
-She could've....
-She....
It all came back to fate. Twisted, and terrible fate. Julius was the blood of Maera. Julius was the sacrifice upon the altar. Julius was the Scion of Darkness.
And there was nothing she could do about it.
*
When she wasn't fighting, Ishtar returned to her small room. Stony walls, no decoration. It was fairly cold. Reinhardt had brought her extra blankets just for that reason.
He always thought of her.
"Can we speak?"
Julia came inside the door. Her long hair, so like Deirdre's, went all the way down her back in loose waves. She wore loose robes of such a pale white. She wore a circlet of Naga, from Deirdre herself.
Ishtar hadn't seen her since they were both children. One day, she had suddenly disappeared. And that was when Julius began to change.
"Tine told me. We've become friends, Tine and I."
"I'm glad she's found friends," Ishtar said softly.
"She's endured so much. Losing her mother like that, to Queen Hilda's cruelty."
Was she merely naive, or blind to those around her? Ishtar hadn't seen the signs that her mother was capable of such things until at Miletos, she herself was brought into the hunts. Excepted to join them as Julius's lover.
And even though she'd vocally opposed the hunts, and tried to convince Julius himself, she'd done it. She'd dirtied her hands. And then she'd betrayed Julius and taken the children back, what she could save.
No wonder Julius didn't wish to see her any longer.
"My brother died that night. When a dark black tome was given to him.What stood before us, was not Julius. There was a force of such magic....it killed mother. She used her last bit of power to warp me away, but I lost my memories for such a long time."
"He killed his own mother..." Ishtar echoed.
Julia nodded.
"I miss Julius every day. Nobody else understands. When they hear of him, they know only fear. It's such a sad fate. To be devoured by the dragon so completely that even in Askr he could not be saved," Julia said.
It only left her more numb. There'd never been any hope at all.
"I guess, it's good to know someone else still remembers him. The Julius that was."
The Julius she had loved.
Julia nodded. And in that moment, they shared the same pain and grief over a boy devoured by a dragon so whole that not even death had freed him.
*
Had there been moments of tenderness? He'd saved her, yes. But then he'd saved Arion, called him useful.
She second guessed every moment now. Had that been Julius? Was Julia right in that Julius had been lost all along, and she'd been merely toyed with by some horrible entity for unknown reasons?
Ishtar couldn't tell.
In the end was every moment of affection merely the thing controlling Julius finding her useful? If so, then why oh why had she been forced to give up Reinhardt as she did? Why did the creature that took Julius feel so threatened, why did it isolate her? Why did it lie to her, tear her down until she was numb?
Was it Julius who spoke when he threatened to kill Reinhardt, then spoke of how lovely she was? Words that left her utterly numb, and untouched even by such affection.
Why did love hurt so and leave her empty? Why couldn't she find peace even in this place after life? Like nothing of the promises of some kind of paradise. A world of endless war.
Was it fate of uncaring gods in the end?
*
Food was tasteless. She turned aside from the flowers of spring. It didn't matter. Nothing did.
She fought. She lived. She took what little sustenance she needed and would work herself to exhaustion every single day. Whatever ground she'd gained had been lost the moment she finally found Julius and saw nothing but hatred and bloodlust in his eyes.
Reinhardt brought her food.
He didn't demand conversation. She could barely look him in the eye, after what she'd done. But she was too exhausted to mend things. If they even could be mended.
Day after day, he came back. That gave her some sort of hope past the exhaustion. For what it was worth.
What brought him back to her, she couldn't say. Loyalty? Pity? Something more?
Perhaps he was kinder than even she gave him credit for.
He took the dishes after she was done, to be returned to the kitchens and washed. It was cold for Spring. She barely noticed.
Reinhardt pulled off his cloak and put it about her shoulders.
"Stay warm," he said.
"See you tomorrow."
She watched him go. Wrapped in his cloak. She buried her face against the collar and remembered a time when there was no war. When Reinhardt was always with her, and the world was full of happiness and beauty.
Dances and parties spent with Reinhardt by her side, in her arms as they took a dance. Once, he'd been her closest ally, her right hand man, her sword.
How long ago it seemed.
*
When she was around Reinhardt, she felt a little spark of her older life.
Ishtar wanted to be alone, and yet she feared the complete solitude where she was left with only her regrets and the terrifying memories of the past. Reinhardt was a compromise. She never had to put on a false face around him; He knew her too well and would notice in an instant. And his comfort was soft and undemanding.
He didn't make her come out to whatever festivals happened in Askr. He checked in on her, made sure she ate and always kept her warm.
And seeing him left her with an inner warmth, too. She'd smile softly and feel as if for that moment, the sadness had been pushed aside. As if a candle had been lit and the darkness pushed back.
She didn't have it within her for joy or idle talks. Ishtar still had so much to fix.
She begun to throw herself in battle once again. Reinhardt ensured that she never pushed herself too far.
Reinhardt protected and guarded her, even when she'd let him go. And he did not demand apologies, or retribution.
He simply showed up, and ensured she knew some happiness.
*
Tine, Olwen and Julia had stayed away during her absence. Perhaps Reinhardt had requested it, or they had simply sensed she needed time.
However, now Julia was at her doorstep.
"I wanted to see you."
"Yes...how have you been?"
Her voice came out flat. She had little energy for genteel behavior. Mother would be appalled.
"I was spending time with Seliph. It's good to see family. We never knew we were related until later. I lost one brother, but gained another," Julia said.
"Yes....I am glad to hear it."
Her voice was even more empty this time.
"...Sorry, I didn't mean to rub salt in the wound. I know your brother has not been summoned yet. I hope he will soon."
"No...Seliph seems kind. It is a shame we ended up on the opposite side. We...shared the same goals. Had things been different, we could've been allies."
And how many times had she said this. About Tine, about others. Herself, as she questioned how she could be on the side of those slaughtering innocent children.
And for love, all for love. A love which left her wrung out and empty, destroyed and alone. With nothing left, as even Julius--whatever was left of him past Loptous--no longer loved her.
Once, rage and sorrow had comingled within her towards the army which had taken her brother and his lover away from her. Now, she was wrung out. Too tired to fight this battle too.
"Tine and Olwen ask about you often. They worry about you, but understand that you wish to be mostly alone," Julia said.
She nodded. "I am grateful. Right now I am not much for company."
"I'm glad you have Reinhardt to care for you."
"I do not know what compels him to continue here after what I did. But...I suppose I am glad for it," she said,
"He loves you. He always has. I always knew, even then," Julia said.
"Even...then? We knew each other as children."
Julia nodded serenely.
"I could see it in his eyes. And I still do."
Those were the words Julius had said. I'd pluck out his eyes. The memory still burned within her.
"Are you quite certain?"
"Yes," Julia said. "You did not know?"
"Lord Julius...he was jealous of Reinhardt. It was why I had to send Reinhardt away. But, by then, he had become paranoid and lashed out at people constantly. I...did not linger upon the accusation that Reinhardt had feelings for me. It was not the first time Julius had made such an accusation."
Julius, or the creature that devoured him. She couldn't say who said those words to her. Only that they had led to Reinhardt dying in the end. Not by Julius's hand, but in battle at the River Thracia.
"You need time to think on this, I see," Julia said.
"Yes, I do...thank you for being so understanding," Ishtar said.
"I must go. But I wish you well," Julia said.
And Julia left so serenely, like her words hadn't put a crack down the side of Ishtar's entire life.
Every memory, every moment. Reinhardt had loved her then? He loved her as he was always close her, to what must've been agony to be so near and yet so far to her? Loved her as she became Julius's lover. Loved her as she cast him away.
Oh, the guilt began anew.
The memory was sharp. There was no good way to put it. That he had to leave her side after so many years of faithful service.
Now, as she remembered the memory she didn't want to revisit, she could see the pain in his dark eyes again. And she knew now that she had broken his heart completely as she told him with a shaking voice that he needn't worry, Julius would keep her safe now.
How hadn't she seen it? Julius had. She'd dismissed his concerns. It was a sign of his growing descent to darkness, how he had lashed out at Reinhardt again and again. Until he threatened to kill him. Until she had to keep him away.
And Julius--Loptous--ensured she had no one. No retainer would be safe, so she kept them at a distance. She let herself slowly become completely isolated, until there was nothing but Julius. Or she should say, nothing but Loptous. Which was what the plan had been.
Memories of her love were clouded by the points where she couldn't tell the beast from Julius any longer.
*
She could barely meet his eyes when he came to meet her the next morning. She had years upon years of heartbreak to mend. A simple sorry could not suffice.
He considered her with dark, inscrutable eyes.
"You know," he said.
He'd figured out her in a second, without even asking. Reinhardt knew her that well.
She did not wish to cause any strife between them. A bond of friendship had sprung up between Olwen, Tine, Julia, and Reinhardt.
And Reinhardt and Olwen had only just made up. The last thing she wanted to do was put another wedge between them as well.
She only knew from others, the great war between the siblings. Reinhardt refused to join the Liberation Army, and had died on that battlefield rather than leave Friege. It'd taken quite a while in Askr for them to reconcile.
And she knew it, knew it without him ever saying. That she was the reason why he had taken this path.
"I....figured it out."
"...None of this was an overture. I've long ago accepted that you will never love me back. It doesn't make the feelings go away. But, it doesn't matter. I've long learned to live with this. And I'll still be here. I wish only for your happiness. And I would do what I can to ensure that."
"I've hurt you. I've hurt you so much. And I'm so very sorry," Ishtar said. Pain filled her voice completely.
"It would be best to forget you ever realized this. Go back to what it was."
"That would mean you would be hurt over and over by my unthinking selfishness," she said.
"No," he said simply.
"B-But..."
"I never told you because I knew you didn't feel the same. And that is fine. They are my feelings and I shall live with them."
His voice showed past the professionalism, the calm to hint at the pain he'd felt over the years. Loving her while being her closest confidante and protector. Loving her and watching her be in love with Julius. Loving her and watching her drown in sorrow as Julius began his descent.
"How long?"
"Since we were both children. I have never loved another as I have loved you."
"I'm sorry..."
"Don't be," Reinhardt said quickly.
He turned away to stir the tea he had brought with her food. He always took such care to make the food come perfectly just as she liked it. He memorized her preferences, and lavished them upon her every day.
And in her state of utmost grief, she could barely even enjoy the effort he made for her.
"I should like to serve you once again. Think upon it."
"After how I dismissed you, how I treated you, how I unknowingly hurt you all these years, And you..."
She realized then, Reinhardt was used to feeling pain being near her. How painful it must've been, and how he endured it because he loved her deeper than he feared the ache of never being loved back by her.
She said the words. They came out hollow. How Julius had wanted him dead. How she'd had to talk down his sentence. He said nothing. Perhaps the explanation didn't already matter, because he'd already forgiven her. Or never held the grudge to begin with.
"It changes nothing. I'd wish to keep you safe, and do what I can to bring back your joy."
At the cost of his own, she knew now. She'd always relied on him, kept close to him and trusted him. And she'd never thought of such a dire cost it was upon him. That somewhere along the way, Reinhardt had fallen in love with her.
"I'm no one's liege any longer. No princess, no ruler. Just another soldier in a strange land."
"Even after everything I've done, you should hate me, but you don't. And I'm very grateful for it, for your presence has been such a great comfort to me. If you were to come back as my knight, I would have nothing to give you. Nothing but myself."
"That's all I've wanted," he said.
"I shall think upon it. I have much to think about."
"I see. I'll be here tomorrow," Reinhardt said.
As he went, she sat down on the bed, all she could think of was she'd hurt her closest confidante again. Because Reinhardt had, despite everything, stepped back to the bond of trust they once had. Even knowing how much he could get hurt.
This was how much he loved her.
*
Ishtar knew she should stay away. Or would that hurt him more?
If she stayed near, she'd hurt him. If she stayed away, she would hurt him. And even more, the thought of taking this one bit of comfort, in being close to Reinhardt made her feel like what little joy she had left in this life.
What choice was right? The one which made her feel like the last joy was snuffed out from her life, like a candle flame gone, or the one where she felt the ache that she was constantly hurting him?
Ishtar didn't know.
He came the next day, and the next day, and the next day, as promised. It was too comforting to let go.
She knew he wouldn't want it anyways. Reinhardt would rather endure the pain of being beside her than the pain of being apart from her.
*
Months passed, and she slowly came back.
When did it happen that she came, returned? When she walked with Reinhardt and her thought was not on the past, but the present? When she fell asleep and his name in her mind, and when she woke she thought of him first, not Julius.
And through it all, this was like waking up from a haze. She realized her hair was tangled, her clothes rumpled. Ishtar settled in for a bath and began to rejuvenate and care for herself beyond pushing her body to the utter brink in battle.
She'd neglected herself entirely. Ishtar would fight until she was sore, until her dresses were ripped, until she hardly resembled a Princess of House Friege. Her beauty had done nothing but cause her unhappiness in the end. But today, she primped and left herself sweet smelling, neat, even lovely.
But, as she tied her ponytail, it came to her.
Would Reinhardt like this dress?
She frowned at the thought, so unexpected. She'd thought very little of beauty as of late. The flowers in her hair had wilted. The braids had come undone.
But, she already knew the answer. Of course he would. He'd think her beautiful and inspiring even in a rough-hewn dress made of feed bags, covered with mud and dirt. She smiled at the thought.
She'd forgotten what it was to be happy. It was a welcome surprise to know she could still feel this lightness.
*
Reinhardt was quite the influential, reliable person here in Askr. In fact, she often heard mentions of people from other worlds who he helped organize, or train.
She caught sight of him ahead of her. Reinhardt wasn't alone.
Reinhardt leaned in. She didn't know this woman. She was from another world, some mage of great renown. Older, another part of his most recent team? Was this woman in love with Reinhardt? Was Reinhardt slowly falling in love with someone else.
She felt an icy grip on her chest. Reinhardt loved her once, but did he love her still? Would admitting his feelings make him finally give up on her?
*
A new day, and Reinhardt had brought her food. She hadn't joined the others for food in quite some time. She hadn't spoken to Tine, Olwen or Julia. She only hoped they didn't think it was them--it was the weight of the grief.
Reinhardt stayed, even if she was poor company. Even if she'd broken his heart so many times before.
He stayed.
"How is this recipe?" Reinhardt said.
"It's quite good. My compliments to the chef. I'll have to tell them next time I am in the kitchens," she said.
"You've already told them."
"You made it yourself? I thought you were simply bringing me my rations," she said.
He smiled. "Was it to your liking?"
"Yes, you're a good cook."
Her spoon fell to the side of the bowl. Was this a sign? Was she trying to read tea leaves or in the stars, for some desperate hope that he still loved her?
And how could she say this--To ask if he still loved her? If they might just be a possibility.
She didn't say the words. Not then. But they were behind every thought that maybe, he no longer loved her. And that the thought for some reason filled her with such sadness.
*
"You're finally back!"
Tine rose up from her seat and rushed to greet her. Her pigtails bobbed as she did. Tailtiu had braided flowers into them.
"I'm sorry for being away. I needed time to...heal," Ishtar said.
It'd been months since then. Months where everything seemed gray and she simply was a mechanical, muted life. She ate, she killed, she protected, she returned to her rooms.
And through it all, Reinhardt was there.
"The Day of Devotion will come soon," Tine said.
Tine explained the meaning of the festival to her.
"You'd give flowers to those most dear to you?"
"A lover?" Ishtar said.
"Family members too," Tine said. "But, yes, some people give flowers to whomever they love."
"I'll get one for my mother. A-and....um, never mind."
Ishtar looked curiously at Tine, whose cheeks had turned quite red. She smiled. Tine had a crush. How sweet.
"I'm sure whoever you choose would be very grateful to accept such a gift."
"I hope so."
"What about you? Do you feel well enough to visit?"
"I shall try, I think," Ishtar said.
Already in her mind she thought of the flowers. And she knew exactly who would receive them. Because the thought had begun to solidify in her slowly. The warmth of his presence, the way she awaited him, needed him.
She'd almost said this many times, and now more than even she needed to tell him.
*
The flower sellers had already begun to stock them in preparation for the gifts to come. Askr got ready for events days in advance, for they truly threw themselves wholeheartedly into joyful festivals.
Whole wooden buckets of flowers kept in water were prepared in stalls at the marketplace.
She considered the flowers, and remembered the language each flower could contain hidden within. Yellow flowers, lovely as they happened to be, were fraught with dangerous meanings. Of jealousy and anger and rejection and bitterness.
How sad, the flowers hardly deserved such a fate.
Irises had such a lovely scent. And the meaning came to her. Your friendship means so much to me. The dark pink rose meant thankfulness.
She caught the scents, the faint touch of the petals to her fingertips as she brought them up and inspected the flowers. It had to be just right.
But, there was so much to say. Gratitude that Reinhardt had never given up on her, that he supported her even now, after all she'd done. Happiness that he was in her life, to all he had done. His friendship and support, even when it was painful to be near her.
Fern meant magic, fascination, confidence, and shelter. She took a curled stalk full of small leaves in hand.
And...the warmth that she felt around him. That the more her grief lifted, the more she noticed.
Ishtar's cheeks heated as she thought of how it would be, to be on his doorstep with a bouquet of flowers. With so much to say, to convey and when words failed her.
A single red rose. That meant I love you. She blushed and turned away from that. Her heartbeat skipped at the thought.
She came across the tiny blue flowers of the Forget-Me-Not. And the meaning was clear. True love, and memories.
Once the festival came, she would find flowers of friendship for Julia, for Tine and Olwen who had been supportive and understanding, even as they gave her the space she needed to heal.
But, it was Reinhardt she had to reach first. She couldn't wait until the festival, she couldn't wait a single other day.
Even though the festival hadn't come yet, she took the blue flowers in hand as this time, she came to Reinhardt's door.
So often he had reached out and asked nothing of her.
*
Ishtar stood outside her once and future knight's rooms. He let her in, worry creasing over his face.
"Is something the matter?"
"I...know the hour is late. I wanted to speak to you immediately about something...important."
He glanced down the hall. He was guarding her still.
"...Come in."
Reinhardt's room was quite small. Most of the barracks were. Any decorations would have to be purchased themselves, and Reinhardt hadn't bothered. A weapon rack and bookcase were over the stone walls. The bed was neatly made, the hearth recently stoked.
It was also immaculately clean, just as pristine and spotless as Reinhardt's white gloves.
In her hands, the little blue flowers curled with a fern.
"You thought I needed a vase of flowers?"
"Memories," he said.
"Yes, that was the meaning."
But, only partly. She didn't speak aloud the other. Not yet.
"Was it agony, to be by my side?"
"No. Only agony to be parted."
"I see..."
"What I wanted to say was how grateful I am that you have shown me such utmost kindness. I am beginning to adjust here, and to even feel joy at times. And much of that is because you reached out to me."
But, as she was here, with blue flowers in hand, she knew what had been slowly coming to her as came out of the state of grief. That she looked forward to when he came, that he could warm any day and comfort her with just a word. That she wanted him by her side whatever the future held for them.
Her knight, so handsome and kind, so strong and powerful. How even when she thought Julius rejecting her would destroy everything, Reinhardt had been there for her. And as she healed, love had grown when she thought she'd never feel this way again.
"Even after we had such...a rough final parting. You forgave me without even a word. I think I have begun to fall in love with you. No, that's wrong. I know it."
He didn't speak. She continued on.
"...I think of you when I wake and when I go to sleep. When you come to visit me, I feel such joy I thought I had lost the capability to ever know again. When I try on dresses I wonder what you would think of them, if you would find me lovely in them. I saw you speaking to another woman and yet I had no right to be, the thought of you loving another left me with such a pain. A pain I deserved, still..."
His gaze was so intense. She was quickly enclosed in a warm, strong embrace. Her hand curled, held up at the sudden heat of his lips on hers. Years of restrained passion cracking open in that moment. Ishtar had never been kissed like this, with desperation and intense passion and longing. She reached out and bunched his black robes with her hand.
A kiss like this made the world feel like it tilted. She came up for breath in a slight daze. Her lips--and more--still tingled from the heat of him.
"My apologies, I should've asked," Reinhardt said. His voice gone hoarse with desire.
"No, I wanted you to. Very much."
"I'm so very sorry for how long I hurt you and how long it took me to get to this moment. But, I do...love you. I...hope in Askr we can have another chance for what was lost in Jugdral."
"Yes, I hope to be by your side here as well as long as I draw breath."
She settled in close to him. Whatever horrors her past had held, she'd gone through it. Now, she held a tentative hope for a future with Reinhardt, and happiness found once again.
