fic: Exhaus-Ted
Jan. 16th, 2017 02:51 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bonnefoisTitle: Exhaus-Ted
Series: How I Met Your Mother
Character/pairing: Ted/Tracy, Barney/Robin, Marshall/Lily
Rating: PG
Word count:
Summary: "Kids, you don't know true love until you've gone through a sickness together."
Author's note:
Once my entire family had horrific respiratory flu for three months solid. True story.
1.
It all started with a fever. Back in January 2021 we met up with your Aunt Robin, Uncle Barney in MacLarens. And kids, you don't know true love until you've gone through a sickness together."
2.
Barney sneezed. Over his suit was layered two light wool coats, while a scarf wrapped up to his chin.
Robin reached out to rest her palm against his forehead.
"Barney, you're burning up."
"I'm not sick, that's just my natural hotness," Barney said.
"Barney, you're at least a hundred," Robin said.
Barney broke out coughing. "That's what she said," Barney said in a throaty rasp.
"No Wayne's World's quotes until we're a lot more drunk," Lily said.
"You heard the lady," Marshall said.
It wasn't Chimichunga, there was no intervention. Robin just tapped Barney on his shoulder, slightly bunching up coats.
Barney smirked, the universal I'm getting laid wink to his friends.
"You're not getting anything but better. My dad sent over an old Nova Scotian remedy."
"Let me guess, maple syrup on a hockey puck?" Ted said.
"No, wait, a tower of Timbits?" Marshall chimed in.
"Scotch on top of Scotch with a side of the strongest vodka imaginable."
"You may have money called Loonies, but you Canadians do know how to drink," Barney said.
Robin laughed. "This, this beer is nothing compared to up north. It's like water. Anyways, this should break the kneecaps of any cold that messes with us."
"That's the scientific term," Barney said.
3.
But several bottles and hours later, all they were was hungover. The once pristine, thousand-count sheets were wrinkled. Barney had even left behind his suitjamas for his nightshirt. She was one of the few people he'd ever wear it around. For everyone else, it'd been nothing but cold, stiff suitjamas.
Robin laid back. Maybe those last Tequila shots hadn't been the best idea. Or that quickie.
Then it came—a cough. She glared at Barney. "If I die, I'm going to haunt you. You'll never score again. I'll be like a curse riding your dick forever," Robin said.
"So, like a forever threesome? Medium five!"
He broke into a coughing fit. So much for out-drinking the sickness. Robin rolled her eyes. She didn't return the high five.
4.
Ted came home early, his arms looped with plastic bags full of medicine, and groceries. Fresh fruit to be juiced one by one, because Ted demanded only the best for his family.
Barney had personally made a part on his blog to mock his pretentiousness, complete with a Youtube remix of Encyclopedia said over and over to a beat, but that hardly stopped him. He'd get up at dawn to bake bread and fresh crème brulee just to let her know how special she was.
He'd do it in his red cowboy boots, too.
She was camped out in bed. Tracy wore a flannel robe, over another set of flannel pants. She'd pulled her slightly tangled hair back from her face. The trash can was overflowing with used tissues.
"I brought you extra oranges," Ted said.
"Thanks, I'll try and keep them down. I haven't had much luck. In fact, if we have to fight for the bathroom, I'm winning," Tracy said.
"Ladies first--I'll hold back your hair while you puke," Ted said.
"Who says romance is dead?" Tracy said.
He leaned down and kissed her forehead.
"Oh--my breath is awful. Among other things." She chuckled mirthlessly. Her hair had grown greasy, stuck in tangles from nights of tossing and turning.
"You're beautiful," he said.
"And you're either hallucinating, or in dire need of glasses," Tracy said.
"We've got all day to ourselves," he said. "How about a Robitussin and vitamin C virgin martini?"
"What a gentleman. But I have to check on the kids first," Tracy said.
"I'll do it," Ted said.
"You're a life-saver. I've been meaning to get up, but these covers keep pulling me back in," she said.
"Lucky covers," Ted said. "Don't worry about it. I'll be glad to."
He smiled as he walked out. Every day when he got home, he couldn't help but be amazed again and again that he got to keep this happiness. It wouldn't fall away with another relationship which didn't work, another one-night stand.
He got to have a family of his own. And for that, Ted believed that there was some kind of fate out there. How else could he had just missed her for so many years, only to find her on the day Barney married Robin?
Like picking up a lucky penny, or winning the lottery, Ted had hit the jackpot. Except marrying Tracy and having the two best kids ever was better than a million dollars, even when the taxes came around.
Especially when the taxes came around. She paid every bill, and itemized all their income with such grace. Talk about luck, not just finding the perfect girl, but one who also had a great head for numbers.
"They broke the mold when they made you," Ted said to himself as he walked down the hall.
5.
A wall of stuffed animals stood watch across her bed. A Leia figurine sat at the edge of her bed. Penny clutched her little stuffed bear tight. Her chubby cheeks were flushed with fever.
"Hey, pumpkin. How are you feeling?"
"Dad, my tummy hurts," Penny said.
He ruffled her hair, wavy brown, just like her mom's. "I've got some medicine which will make that all better. And it tastes gr--" He couldn't bring himself to tell that big of a lie to his children. "--well, it tastes better than being sick."
He knelt beside her bed, and spooned out a purple liquid. He knew the Refreshing New Grape Flavor was a complete lie. She was too old to go through the familiar rounds of look at the choo-choo train. Penny was growing up so fast, it only proved the old adage true: time flies when you're having fun. The years before had gone slowly, even agonizingly. He had been on the outside looking in.
"Is it going to be yucky?" Penny said. She glanced with worry.
"It'll make you feel better," Ted said. And for one last time, he said the familiar phrase.
"Ready for the airplane?"
Penny was just coming to the point where she wanted to shed away all those baby things. Already there were clothes packed away. Ted had already filled several scrapbooks. Sometimes he'd find himself simply watching his kids play, his wife fill the coffeepot and memorize it, until he could recall every single detail. All for later stories.
She opened up her mouth, and didn't even protest.
"You'll feel better soon. I'll make you some orange juice."
"Will it punch away the sickness?" Penny said.
"Sure, that's more or less how science works," Ted said.
He kissed her forehead. "I'll be back to check on you later. I hope you feel better, pumpkin," he said.
"Okay, dad...." Her eyes already had closed. He shut the door as softly as he could manage, and made the way to the room right next to it.
Luke's room was filled with Star Wars merchandise. Ted had loved introducing his kids to Trilogy Time, but Luke had felt a special connection to his namesake. A series of the posters--original, not the prequels--were pasted across the walls.
"Luke?" Ted said.
Luke didn't respond. Finally, Ted remembered, and did his best Chewbacca voice. He might have to pull out some Han Solo quotes before the night was over. The bed sheet was covered in pictures of light sabers. Luke peeked out, just a little.
"Hello, young Padawan," Ted said.
Luke pulled the blanket back up, and coughed several times.
"Have something for that, I do," Ted said.
"You'll make it go away with the Force?" Luke said hopefully.
"Force, Robitussin, it's all the same thing, really," Ted said. He spooned out some purple liquid. "Now open up, young Padawan. Give me your best Wookie roar."
His roar turned into a coughing fit. But, Ted still managed to slip in a spoonful. Luke grimaced.
"It tastes bad, Dad," Luke said.
"Think of it like Jedi training. Like sitting under a waterfall, but with your mouth."
"It'll really make me feel better?"
"It'll take a couple of days. Imagine the white blood cells in your body are having a big aerial fight."
"Pew pew pew," Luke said. He broke out coughing.
"Just keep fighting, young Padawan."
Luke pulled his blanket back up over his head.
Ted let out a sigh as he walked out. His chest ached at the thought of his whole family laid up and feeling awful. What they never told him about being a father and husband was everything hurt, and everything was always one step away from panic. When they scraped a knee, got a sniffle.
But being a dad meant pushing past it, and making that hand-squeezed orange juice. Maybe it was time for Trilogy time to come early, he thought. Nothing like watching the Death Star explode to distract them.
He hummed to himself as he planned all the little ways he could tell his family over and over just how much he loved them. Words and stories weren't enough, so he filled the days with new stuffed toys, flowers woven into her hair, and kisses.
6.
Ted returned, with both hands full of big glasses of freshly squeezed orange juice. She woke like a dream, and slowly smiled as she caught sight of him.
"Sorry--I think I nodded off," she said.
"It's okay, I took a little detour. The scenic route, you could say," Ted said.
"You're always taking the scenic route, and then telling everyone stories about it," Tracy said.
"Guilty as charged."
He set the glasses on the nightstand, and crawled in to bed with her.
"Are you sure? You might catch my cold," she said.
"Then it'll be in good company."
He'd spent so much time alone, he'd rather be sick and with his family than alone.
"We'll go down together. His and hers Robitussin cups." She took a long sip. "I'm sure this would be great if I could taste it."
"Well, think of it as a spa for your body. Or a punch for your immune system."
She laughed. "You always did have such a unique way of looking at the world."
They clinked glasses, like a toast, and curled together. Not even the discomfort of sore throats or coughs could steal away the joy he felt nestled beside her.
7.
A get well card came their way by the end of the week. By this time, Ted had fallen sick as well. His Chewbacca roar had never been better, though, much to Luke's pleasure.
"They might've well signed it with "Suck it, we're still sober and not hacking our lungs out," Ted said.
"They're saving that for Christmas," Tracy said.
He shook his head. "Damn Marshall's Viking immunity."
He wasn't sure what kept Lily well. Maybe she just glared at the germs and they went running. Her Dead To Me stare had certainly terrified a few people over the years.
Barney had sent him a picture. Better than ever. These Canadian cures are legendary.
"Apparently Canadians do, in fact, do it better," Tracy said.
Ted couldn't help but smile. "That's what he said," Ted said.
8.
The Canadian remedy had to do something, because Barney and Robin got better in three days, while Ted's family was sick for two whole weeks. Then again, having kids tended to change things. Sharing a family cold for weeks was just one of those little wonders of being a father.
"Unbelievable. I can't believe you didn't catch this," Barney said. "I coughed on you and everything."
"I'm from Minnesota, Barney. It'd take a lot more than a little cough to take me down. I survived winters that would make a polar bear cry," Marshall said.
Barney looked incredulously, as Lily just nodded.
Robin broke out laughing. She held up her beer in a mock toast. "Marshall, You don't even know what winters are."
"I don't even know winters? I, descendants from Vikings who totally chased after yetis, don't know my winter? Dance off, now," Marshall said.
"I'll bring my snowshoes!"
Your Aunt Robin's drunken snowshoe step was a sight to remember.. It was always one step away from a dance off back then. Even now, all Uncle Marshall has to do is send a text with a picture of the Canadian flag, and they'll be dancing off. Even across the country, we always find a way to keep in touch.
Series: How I Met Your Mother
Character/pairing: Ted/Tracy, Barney/Robin, Marshall/Lily
Rating: PG
Word count:
Summary: "Kids, you don't know true love until you've gone through a sickness together."
Author's note:
Once my entire family had horrific respiratory flu for three months solid. True story.
1.
It all started with a fever. Back in January 2021 we met up with your Aunt Robin, Uncle Barney in MacLarens. And kids, you don't know true love until you've gone through a sickness together."
2.
Barney sneezed. Over his suit was layered two light wool coats, while a scarf wrapped up to his chin.
Robin reached out to rest her palm against his forehead.
"Barney, you're burning up."
"I'm not sick, that's just my natural hotness," Barney said.
"Barney, you're at least a hundred," Robin said.
Barney broke out coughing. "That's what she said," Barney said in a throaty rasp.
"No Wayne's World's quotes until we're a lot more drunk," Lily said.
"You heard the lady," Marshall said.
It wasn't Chimichunga, there was no intervention. Robin just tapped Barney on his shoulder, slightly bunching up coats.
Barney smirked, the universal I'm getting laid wink to his friends.
"You're not getting anything but better. My dad sent over an old Nova Scotian remedy."
"Let me guess, maple syrup on a hockey puck?" Ted said.
"No, wait, a tower of Timbits?" Marshall chimed in.
"Scotch on top of Scotch with a side of the strongest vodka imaginable."
"You may have money called Loonies, but you Canadians do know how to drink," Barney said.
Robin laughed. "This, this beer is nothing compared to up north. It's like water. Anyways, this should break the kneecaps of any cold that messes with us."
"That's the scientific term," Barney said.
3.
But several bottles and hours later, all they were was hungover. The once pristine, thousand-count sheets were wrinkled. Barney had even left behind his suitjamas for his nightshirt. She was one of the few people he'd ever wear it around. For everyone else, it'd been nothing but cold, stiff suitjamas.
Robin laid back. Maybe those last Tequila shots hadn't been the best idea. Or that quickie.
Then it came—a cough. She glared at Barney. "If I die, I'm going to haunt you. You'll never score again. I'll be like a curse riding your dick forever," Robin said.
"So, like a forever threesome? Medium five!"
He broke into a coughing fit. So much for out-drinking the sickness. Robin rolled her eyes. She didn't return the high five.
4.
Ted came home early, his arms looped with plastic bags full of medicine, and groceries. Fresh fruit to be juiced one by one, because Ted demanded only the best for his family.
Barney had personally made a part on his blog to mock his pretentiousness, complete with a Youtube remix of Encyclopedia said over and over to a beat, but that hardly stopped him. He'd get up at dawn to bake bread and fresh crème brulee just to let her know how special she was.
He'd do it in his red cowboy boots, too.
She was camped out in bed. Tracy wore a flannel robe, over another set of flannel pants. She'd pulled her slightly tangled hair back from her face. The trash can was overflowing with used tissues.
"I brought you extra oranges," Ted said.
"Thanks, I'll try and keep them down. I haven't had much luck. In fact, if we have to fight for the bathroom, I'm winning," Tracy said.
"Ladies first--I'll hold back your hair while you puke," Ted said.
"Who says romance is dead?" Tracy said.
He leaned down and kissed her forehead.
"Oh--my breath is awful. Among other things." She chuckled mirthlessly. Her hair had grown greasy, stuck in tangles from nights of tossing and turning.
"You're beautiful," he said.
"And you're either hallucinating, or in dire need of glasses," Tracy said.
"We've got all day to ourselves," he said. "How about a Robitussin and vitamin C virgin martini?"
"What a gentleman. But I have to check on the kids first," Tracy said.
"I'll do it," Ted said.
"You're a life-saver. I've been meaning to get up, but these covers keep pulling me back in," she said.
"Lucky covers," Ted said. "Don't worry about it. I'll be glad to."
He smiled as he walked out. Every day when he got home, he couldn't help but be amazed again and again that he got to keep this happiness. It wouldn't fall away with another relationship which didn't work, another one-night stand.
He got to have a family of his own. And for that, Ted believed that there was some kind of fate out there. How else could he had just missed her for so many years, only to find her on the day Barney married Robin?
Like picking up a lucky penny, or winning the lottery, Ted had hit the jackpot. Except marrying Tracy and having the two best kids ever was better than a million dollars, even when the taxes came around.
Especially when the taxes came around. She paid every bill, and itemized all their income with such grace. Talk about luck, not just finding the perfect girl, but one who also had a great head for numbers.
"They broke the mold when they made you," Ted said to himself as he walked down the hall.
5.
A wall of stuffed animals stood watch across her bed. A Leia figurine sat at the edge of her bed. Penny clutched her little stuffed bear tight. Her chubby cheeks were flushed with fever.
"Hey, pumpkin. How are you feeling?"
"Dad, my tummy hurts," Penny said.
He ruffled her hair, wavy brown, just like her mom's. "I've got some medicine which will make that all better. And it tastes gr--" He couldn't bring himself to tell that big of a lie to his children. "--well, it tastes better than being sick."
He knelt beside her bed, and spooned out a purple liquid. He knew the Refreshing New Grape Flavor was a complete lie. She was too old to go through the familiar rounds of look at the choo-choo train. Penny was growing up so fast, it only proved the old adage true: time flies when you're having fun. The years before had gone slowly, even agonizingly. He had been on the outside looking in.
"Is it going to be yucky?" Penny said. She glanced with worry.
"It'll make you feel better," Ted said. And for one last time, he said the familiar phrase.
"Ready for the airplane?"
Penny was just coming to the point where she wanted to shed away all those baby things. Already there were clothes packed away. Ted had already filled several scrapbooks. Sometimes he'd find himself simply watching his kids play, his wife fill the coffeepot and memorize it, until he could recall every single detail. All for later stories.
She opened up her mouth, and didn't even protest.
"You'll feel better soon. I'll make you some orange juice."
"Will it punch away the sickness?" Penny said.
"Sure, that's more or less how science works," Ted said.
He kissed her forehead. "I'll be back to check on you later. I hope you feel better, pumpkin," he said.
"Okay, dad...." Her eyes already had closed. He shut the door as softly as he could manage, and made the way to the room right next to it.
Luke's room was filled with Star Wars merchandise. Ted had loved introducing his kids to Trilogy Time, but Luke had felt a special connection to his namesake. A series of the posters--original, not the prequels--were pasted across the walls.
"Luke?" Ted said.
Luke didn't respond. Finally, Ted remembered, and did his best Chewbacca voice. He might have to pull out some Han Solo quotes before the night was over. The bed sheet was covered in pictures of light sabers. Luke peeked out, just a little.
"Hello, young Padawan," Ted said.
Luke pulled the blanket back up, and coughed several times.
"Have something for that, I do," Ted said.
"You'll make it go away with the Force?" Luke said hopefully.
"Force, Robitussin, it's all the same thing, really," Ted said. He spooned out some purple liquid. "Now open up, young Padawan. Give me your best Wookie roar."
His roar turned into a coughing fit. But, Ted still managed to slip in a spoonful. Luke grimaced.
"It tastes bad, Dad," Luke said.
"Think of it like Jedi training. Like sitting under a waterfall, but with your mouth."
"It'll really make me feel better?"
"It'll take a couple of days. Imagine the white blood cells in your body are having a big aerial fight."
"Pew pew pew," Luke said. He broke out coughing.
"Just keep fighting, young Padawan."
Luke pulled his blanket back up over his head.
Ted let out a sigh as he walked out. His chest ached at the thought of his whole family laid up and feeling awful. What they never told him about being a father and husband was everything hurt, and everything was always one step away from panic. When they scraped a knee, got a sniffle.
But being a dad meant pushing past it, and making that hand-squeezed orange juice. Maybe it was time for Trilogy time to come early, he thought. Nothing like watching the Death Star explode to distract them.
He hummed to himself as he planned all the little ways he could tell his family over and over just how much he loved them. Words and stories weren't enough, so he filled the days with new stuffed toys, flowers woven into her hair, and kisses.
6.
Ted returned, with both hands full of big glasses of freshly squeezed orange juice. She woke like a dream, and slowly smiled as she caught sight of him.
"Sorry--I think I nodded off," she said.
"It's okay, I took a little detour. The scenic route, you could say," Ted said.
"You're always taking the scenic route, and then telling everyone stories about it," Tracy said.
"Guilty as charged."
He set the glasses on the nightstand, and crawled in to bed with her.
"Are you sure? You might catch my cold," she said.
"Then it'll be in good company."
He'd spent so much time alone, he'd rather be sick and with his family than alone.
"We'll go down together. His and hers Robitussin cups." She took a long sip. "I'm sure this would be great if I could taste it."
"Well, think of it as a spa for your body. Or a punch for your immune system."
She laughed. "You always did have such a unique way of looking at the world."
They clinked glasses, like a toast, and curled together. Not even the discomfort of sore throats or coughs could steal away the joy he felt nestled beside her.
7.
A get well card came their way by the end of the week. By this time, Ted had fallen sick as well. His Chewbacca roar had never been better, though, much to Luke's pleasure.
"They might've well signed it with "Suck it, we're still sober and not hacking our lungs out," Ted said.
"They're saving that for Christmas," Tracy said.
He shook his head. "Damn Marshall's Viking immunity."
He wasn't sure what kept Lily well. Maybe she just glared at the germs and they went running. Her Dead To Me stare had certainly terrified a few people over the years.
Barney had sent him a picture. Better than ever. These Canadian cures are legendary.
"Apparently Canadians do, in fact, do it better," Tracy said.
Ted couldn't help but smile. "That's what he said," Ted said.
8.
The Canadian remedy had to do something, because Barney and Robin got better in three days, while Ted's family was sick for two whole weeks. Then again, having kids tended to change things. Sharing a family cold for weeks was just one of those little wonders of being a father.
"Unbelievable. I can't believe you didn't catch this," Barney said. "I coughed on you and everything."
"I'm from Minnesota, Barney. It'd take a lot more than a little cough to take me down. I survived winters that would make a polar bear cry," Marshall said.
Barney looked incredulously, as Lily just nodded.
Robin broke out laughing. She held up her beer in a mock toast. "Marshall, You don't even know what winters are."
"I don't even know winters? I, descendants from Vikings who totally chased after yetis, don't know my winter? Dance off, now," Marshall said.
"I'll bring my snowshoes!"
Your Aunt Robin's drunken snowshoe step was a sight to remember.. It was always one step away from a dance off back then. Even now, all Uncle Marshall has to do is send a text with a picture of the Canadian flag, and they'll be dancing off. Even across the country, we always find a way to keep in touch.
