“I want you to kill me,” Kaworu says. He’s smiling, a bit sadly, but it’s the same smile Shinji has known for such a short time, one that seems so much longer.
And even though his mind is screaming for him to not, Shinji does.
2. the last kiss / tasted like tobacco / a bitter and sad smell
“I like you,” Kaworu says.
The school year is almost over and Shinji can almost smell the next year in the air, the newness of fresh blooms springing up from the snow.
Kaworu smiles, he seems completely calm, no trace of anxiousness in his eyes. Everything about him is so casual; even how his shirt hangs on him, loose, with a few buttons undone.
As much as Shinji wants to drink in every detail, he wrenches his gaze away.
“I’m not...like that. I’m not gay!”
He grips Kaworu’s shirt that smells of soap and air and sweat and Kaworu. He’s hyperventilating, desperate.
“I’m not...I’m not.”
All he can see is his father’s face, Gendou’s wall-like expression. The scowls. Even as he knows he will never achieve it, he desires his father’s acceptance almost as much as he wants Kaworu’s touch.
“I’m not...” he gasps out, all his rage and fury spent. His lies are so easy to spot, but Kaworu just smiles sadly.
“I understand,” Kaworu says.
The sky is painted with red and gold streaks as Kaworu walks away. Shinji watches because he is weak and all he can do is watch
He never sees Kaworu again.
Later on, many years his life is shaped differently. Looking back, he always remembers the way Kaworu looked in other sunsets, walking him home. The curve of his smile. He remembers that summer to its abrupt, jarring end.
But most of all, he remembers Kaworu as his first love.
3. the other woman Asuka was expecting their first child and her temper was worn even more thin than usual. She sat on the couch, her enormous swelling belly seems some kind of legion, tumor. Shinji can’t look at her long, or he’ll feel dizzy and nauseous with a kind of panic that claws at his skin and won’t let him free.
“You forgot the pickles!” She screams, and throws the empty ice cream carton at him.
He ducks and just misses him, vanilla splatters over the newly painted blue walls.
“I’ll get it immediately,” he says and runs far from her poison, her hate.
He had intended to shower, wash the scent of Kaworu and their sin off of his skin, but now he’d have to find another way. He was always paranoid that Asuka would find out and throw back his own weakness in his face. He wants to wash and scrub until he can’t smell the heady scent of him anymore.
The heat fell down so heavily, pushing him down as he walked down the streets from their apartment. His mind calculates how far it is back to Kaworu’s apartment, to the cool refreshing feel of his controlled chaos.
Shinji pushes the hair from his face. He looks up at the heat rising from the blacktop and remembers the feel, the taste, the touch.
But as much as he’d like to end this, Kaworu is gentle. Asuka says he is useless, weak. Kaworu says that there’s something special under it all. He brushes his fingers over Shinji’s chests and whispers I love you into his skin over and over again with each kiss.
Five Ways Kaworu and Shinji Never Lived Happily Ever After Together part one
“I want you to kill me,” Kaworu says. He’s smiling, a bit sadly, but it’s the same smile Shinji has known for such a short time, one that seems so much longer.
And even though his mind is screaming for him to not, Shinji does.
2. the last kiss / tasted like tobacco / a bitter and sad smell
“I like you,” Kaworu says.
The school year is almost over and Shinji can almost smell the next year in the air, the newness of fresh blooms springing up from the snow.
Kaworu smiles, he seems completely calm, no trace of anxiousness in his eyes. Everything about him is so casual; even how his shirt hangs on him, loose, with a few buttons undone.
As much as Shinji wants to drink in every detail, he wrenches his gaze away.
“I’m not...like that. I’m not gay!”
He grips Kaworu’s shirt that smells of soap and air and sweat and Kaworu. He’s hyperventilating, desperate.
“I’m not...I’m not.”
All he can see is his father’s face, Gendou’s wall-like expression. The scowls. Even as he knows he will never achieve it, he desires his father’s acceptance almost as much as he wants Kaworu’s touch.
“I’m not...” he gasps out, all his rage and fury spent. His lies are so easy to spot, but Kaworu just smiles sadly.
“I understand,” Kaworu says.
The sky is painted with red and gold streaks as Kaworu walks away. Shinji watches because he is weak and all he can do is watch
He never sees Kaworu again.
Later on, many years his life is shaped differently. Looking back, he always remembers the way Kaworu looked in other sunsets, walking him home. The curve of his smile. He remembers that summer to its abrupt, jarring end.
But most of all, he remembers Kaworu as his first love.
3. the other woman
Asuka was expecting their first child and her temper was worn even more thin than usual. She sat on the couch, her enormous swelling belly seems some kind of legion, tumor. Shinji can’t look at her long, or he’ll feel dizzy and nauseous with a kind of panic that claws at his skin and won’t let him free.
“You forgot the pickles!” She screams, and throws the empty ice cream carton at him.
He ducks and just misses him, vanilla splatters over the newly painted blue walls.
“I’ll get it immediately,” he says and runs far from her poison, her hate.
He had intended to shower, wash the scent of Kaworu and their sin off of his skin, but now he’d have to find another way. He was always paranoid that Asuka would find out and throw back his own weakness in his face. He wants to wash and scrub until he can’t smell the heady scent of him anymore.
The heat fell down so heavily, pushing him down as he walked down the streets from their apartment. His mind calculates how far it is back to Kaworu’s apartment, to the cool refreshing feel of his controlled chaos.
Shinji pushes the hair from his face. He looks up at the heat rising from the blacktop and remembers the feel, the taste, the touch.
But as much as he’d like to end this, Kaworu is gentle. Asuka says he is useless, weak. Kaworu says that there’s something special under it all. He brushes his fingers over Shinji’s chests and whispers I love you into his skin over and over again with each kiss.